Trump Plans To Get Rid Of February Because Of Black History Month

Moon Zuppa is waving a piece of memo from deep within Trump's desk that reveals his plans to kill the month of February stating, 'everyone knows niggers don't have a history because they're really still just our slaves. Draymond Green isn't as stupid as he drools when he dribbles",

It's quite the revelation. The White House denies the story further adding "The DNC fabricated the Russia story and now they're making shit up about February. The real reason why we want to get rid of February is because it doesn't have at least 30 days and this is just too confusing for blacks and Hispanics."

So there you have it. Are Americans ready for an 11 month year?

Canada: Our Murders Are More Peaceful

In the wake of the school shooting in Florida and on the back of other shootings in 'Murica, Canadians do what they do best: Bashing Americans.

"Canada isn't arrogant. We have universal health" Gordie from North Bay assures Moon Zuppa. "A country that gives free health can't be arrogant."

As Gordie proceeds to lecture us from what we can discern is his living room, he prepares a pot of hootch. We feel compelled if not intrigued to listen.

"You see, you Americans just don't know how to be civil. You have guns. So, so many guns and ammo."

It is true. America has many much guns. Hundreds of millions in fact but statistically gun violence has been on the decline for decades suggesting there's more at play than just guns. When we pointed the rise of gun violence in Canada Gordie was perplexed but frowned when he saw the evidence.

"That there is weird. Still. Our murders are more peaceful."



Reporting for Moon Zuppa this is Moon Zuppa.  

Black RB Cites Racism For Not Having A Job In All Black League

Disassociated Press -

Latonio Jamal-Wilkins IV is a ferocious running back with more cuts than a stoned chef in a restaurant kitchen. And he's out of a job.

"Man, it sucks" he explained to a group of huddled reporters on the look out for a better person to interview.

I asked him why he thought no team signed him. He looked at me funny-crooked and said, 'Isn't it obvious? Race. It's always about racism, man." When he was reminded he played in an all-black league with black ownership he replied, 'You crackers really crack me up."

The All-Black-No-Whites league has been around for three months and despite its commitment to black athletes, Jamal-Wilkins IV finds himself on the outside looking in with plenty of things to blame.

"Sports is a social construct really. Now I see it".

But not everyone agrees. Brian Nowhypippo explained to me, "I'll tell you why he ain't got no job. Datnigger can't hold onto the bleepin' ball, that's why. Nigger coughed up the ball ni'tines in seven games! Nine! That's the number after eight. It's not zero. 'Cuz if it were zee-row nigger still be in da league. Cost us the damn game too-tines' with one big ass grin he closed.

Once again proving there are many sides to one story.

After that, we all went out for beers.

CNN: Trump Made Love To Russia But Raped America

CNN has just learned Donald Trump once said over 20 years ago that he enjoyed 'making love to Russians of all stripes and raping Americans to death'.

More on Wolf Blitzer.

CNN: Trump Wears Diapers

According to multiple sources of various reliability, CNN has learned Donald Trump does in fact wear diapers.

More later.

CNN: White Man Orders Racist Burger At McDonald's

A white man - did we mention he was white and privileged? - entered a McDonald wearing a 'Trump makes my dick hard' t-shirt screaming 'Where's my KKK burger, nigger!' while waving what appears to be an assault pistol in the colours of the Russian flag.

'I was shocked' said Malea Hamburgur who took the man's order. 'Not about being called a nigger but that he didn't address me in the proper pronoun because I identify as transgender.'

An eyewitness claimed the man also demanded, 'Hey faggot. Yeah you. Bring me an apple pie.' 'It was quite traumatic' explained Kimmy LeVos. She added, 'Apple pie at this time of day? Who does that but extreme libertarians?'

Details are sketchy and we can't be sure so we don't want anyone jumping to conclusions but the man's name is Kerry Hazelwood III and he's likely from any number of states not Democrat and definitely not from Massachusetts or California because those states are educated and loved Obama.

One thing is for sure, is there no end to the evil's of Trump's Amerikkka?

Parti Quebecois Wants Apple Name Change

The pant shitting around the English language by the PQ and its xenophobic and fan base continues. In an effort to make sure he's not soft on having a bad ass stance against Englis new leader Jean Francois Lisee has called for Apple to change its name to respect Quebec clients. Armed with Huggies wipes, here's part of his speech.

'It's only good for business and shows respect. It's not like we're asking them to change fruit or logo. We're just asking them to use Pomme instead. It's very confusing for our little population who are constantly being misled. The other day I received a letter from a little pas - Ti Jean - who wondered why English-Canada was sooo bad towards him. It touched me deep down to see so many of our kids be hurt by the thoughtlessness of greedy American capitalism and the lackey's who support them in English Canada. I responded to Ti Jean and promised him I'd deal with it. Another letter came from Ma Tante La Bouffe who happened upon a Dairy Queen hoping to find sellers of miniature cow dildos and milk. She was quite upset when she found an ice-cream shop! This is not the only story I have heard. Across the province Quebecers are being fooled by misleading store front signs and it has to stop. This is why we're calling on all these corporations that during their board room meetings they consider our sensibilities. Are we not customers too? Also, we will be looking to ban the term 'bon week-end'. We feel too much English is creeping into our dialect interpretation of the French language.

Thank you and mange la merde!

Michael Bloomberg Sets Sights On Banning Cotton Candy; Reveals Failed Attempt At Getting New York To Sleep

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In a dark, damp dungeon deep under the Bloomberg building, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (aka Mother Hen, Nanny Mikey) fresh off being laughed at for his failed attempt to tax sugary sodas is not giving up. He gets up from his synthesizer and downs a pack of sugar,  'Maybe I wasn't audacious enough. I mean, the health of people is at stake here and I really think I'm the guy to get it done" he told me. "It's all sciency. Even Bill Nye the engineer is on board. If there's one thing engineers with bow ties know it's diet and dietician things!"

He sat back down on his synthesizer and began playing morbid notes and added, "You see, people don't know how to vote in their interest, They also don't understand the art of compromise. I think we should ban sodas but I'm reasonable so I don't see why a tax is such a big deal. I'm willing to pay it and so should you."

When asked if the potential for such a tax will only create a black market or disproportionately impact low-income people he asserted, "Look, aside from your rabid racism, nothing is perfect but we have a serious fattese problem" Fattese, he explained to me, was his substitute for obsese which he felt was descriptive enough and losing its panache; its cache. "Sorta like how the geniuses had to change global warming to climate change thanks to Mother Nature's natural tendency to be a bitch. Anyway, we have a long history of putting poor people on the right track.'

He then took pride in explaining a song he was working on. He put on a mask. "It helps me think." He paused and continued. "Billy Joe wrote 'New York State of Mind'. A song I love so. I wanted to come up with one that captured New York but in a Bloombergian spirit. This is how I ended up with 'New York Statist Mind'.

And what exactly was the state of a New Yorker's mind?

 "Oh really?" a token random person I quoted to give appearance of balance said. "Dude is nuts. New York killed a man to death by a murderous choke hold selling loosies. LOOSIES! And now he advocates more stupid state legislation that will hurt us? Man."

But Bloomberg is having none of this pish-posh because he knows his mission is for the greater good. "It's for the benefit of all. Look, I enjoy a good Mountain Mist as much as the ne..." Mr. Bloomberg is interrupted by someone speaking in his earpiece. He suddenly blurted, "What's a Mountain Dew?"

He adjusts his mask. "Look, all I'm saying is this is important. It's crucial to my dream of taxing fun foods. The other day I was watching a baseball game on TV and saw a kid eating cotton candy. COTTON CANDY! Could you believe it? In 2016! I was perplexed and flabbergasted. Don't his parents know what that does to teeth? He wasn't obese, in fact he looked to be healthy but his parents were being negligent in making an fattese out of him. So cotton candy is next on my list. This is why I do it. I fight for kids like that. Come to think of it, we should imprison parents who buy junk food!"

Bloomberg closed the interview candidly by saying, "Did you know New York never sleeps? It's true. All that sugar. Did you also know I tried to change that by tabling the 'Sleep Well New York' act? It didn't go far but my plan was to have all New Yorkers in bed by 11pm. A good city is a healthy city that sleeps. It coulda worked if I were reelected. New Yorkers have a long history of supporting paternalistic and progressive policies."

I laughed in his face and could not stop even as I was escorted out his lair where he incubates - among other things I reckon - his madness.

Gun Contol Advocates Want To Suspend Idaho And Florida For Being Shaped Like Guns

"This is nuts. I mean, I know this country is radically crazy about its guns but to carve out state boundaries that resemble guns is just inappropriate - and wrong. This is why we're calling on the Federal government to suspend Idaho and Florida for looking like guns. The danger it poses to people inside those states is too great for us to ignore."

Gun-control activist Palma Retardino.

"Flip the state 45 degrees to the right. Look at what you get! And if Florida doesn't spook you out I don't know what will. I support the measure to blow these states up."

Max Pollwacky.  Concerned citizen.

Race Cemetery

"When I die I expect to be treated equally" asserts Jeroy La Simontisha in front of Crappy's Crematorium Bonanza. Mr. La whatever is concerned black people and other minorities are being discriminated against because of high burial costs. "We're disadvantaged and dead on arrival because of racist cemeteries and don't you get me going on those coffins." In response to our question of if it's a person's duty and responsibility to save money through proper planning for retirement and death he replied, 'That's just white privilege Koch brothers greed talk. What part of we're screwed from day one because the system is rigged don't you get'?

He continued, "We need for Obama to give us a subsidy to help us folks out! But he won't do nothing because Democrats are weak and Republicans evil."

It had been a long fifteen minutes for Jeroy as he sipped cappuccino. Finally satisfied with his point, he hopped into his Maserati and sped off into the soft autumn day.

Moon Zuppa Notebook: Somali Pirates Take Offense To The Pittsburgh Pirates; Loved Leader Turns On Artists

Disassociated Press -

Somewhere in Somalia.

Moon Zuppa was deep in Somali pirate territory and gained intimate information and knowledge regarding the pain suffered through American cultural imperialism by Somali pirates. We met one, who goes by the name 'Kony' who asked to read his manifesto to us. We agreed.

"We demand the Americans change the name  of the Pittsburgh Pirates immediately or suffer the consequences! We've been insulted long enough! Um, that is all."

After publishing this remarkable proclamation Ed Asner contacted us through Skype to impart his opinion.

"It is incumbent on us to pay attention to the impact our actions have on other cultures" said Ed Asner. "I mean, like, they chose the name 'Pirates' back in the days when we were ignorant. Like, dumb ignorant, you know? Like, 18th or 19th century stoopid."

When told The Age of Enlightenment and other philosophical and cultural movements that shaped the foundation of Western achievement were born in those centuries, Asner replied, "Yeah, off the backs of the poor people!

Out of nowhere, Bill Maher came in the picture and chimed in. "You must be some sort of libbertarian. Who don't you move to your precious libbertarian paradise in Somaliland!"

We asked Kony under what circumstances they would accept the name Pirates. "Yes. If they win more titles. We're watching."

***

Artists who helped propel a liberal-progressive-tyrant into power are now ruing the day did so. Moon Zuppa has learned Bebe Lee who rode his "Coercive Compassion is Compassion" campaign to power largely thanks to a caravan of artists who supported him has arrested each of them and it has been reported plans to execute them.

Details are sketchy at the moment but one insider has revealed "useful idiots are good for some of the time but not all of the time since they can easily start to write music against your power. Mr. Lee must think of the children and urges people to respect the democratic process."

First Lady Encourages Kids To Breathe More

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Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."

Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science. 

"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of meals to water."  

When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"

Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?

But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."

The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."

Amnesty Launches Lawsuit Against Occupy Wall Street

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Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.

"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"

Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"

The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.

We signed up!

We'll let you know!

TSA Changes Name To Tits' N Asses

Disassociated Press

"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."

So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.

***

Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.

"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"

"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."

Homeland Security Moves To Ban Box Cutters

The announcement has led Home Depot, Lowe's, Reno, Ro-Na and Home Hardware to band together under the banner, "Box Cutters don't commit crimes, but they hurt when they cut you."

Mouse Overcame Prejudice And Mental Disabilities With Courage

Disassociated Press

Bloomington - The world's greatest labyrinth mouse in history has died. Cousin Ritzputtle (seen right), semi-retarded and always hungry for cheese, was killed when the hamster wheel in his luxurious Thai-inspired cage fell off and cut his blessed little head. "No one could sniff through a maze like C.R. could," head janitor Antonio Ypres told Moon Zuppa.

According to witnesses, there was blood everywhere. Sources say ants were thrown in to clean up the decomposing mess. It's what L'il Cousin would have wanted.

"Despite his retardation, he had the mind of a GPS. In fact, we have contacted the makers of GPS and offered his brain for experimentation. So far there are no takers but we're confident there will be," head lab guy Mike Petrodiezel explained. "It's a huge loss. Too large to bear I'm afraid. Worse than when I lost my mother. it's tough. You know? Rough."

"Ritzy was once clocked at completing his maze run in under a minute. I don't know how good that is but we felt it was a maze-in. Watching him run around with that little helmet brought joy to us all, " fellow head vice lab person Mills Diatrib recounted with nostalgia.

Moon Zuppa doesn't like rodents and as far as we're concerned one less of these morons eating our cheese the better. Mind you, we're lactose intolerant. But you get our point! Cheese is for humans!

Prime President Obama Plans Military Invasion Of Insurance Companies

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

President Obama To Stop Being A Professor

"I think I'm getting the hang of this "president" thing," was how he put it. "It's tough though," he said while chuckling, "I keep looking for my chalk when I'm up there speaking; especially when my sleeves are rolled."

He also added. "I think I'm gonna make like Bat-Man and work behind the scenes rather than get in people's faces."

You do that, Mr. President.

Spoon Wielding Chick Faces Charges

Moon Zuppa received this disturbing 911 call. Please. If you're children are still fucking swear virgins, tuck them away.

911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!

ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.

Alarm smashed.

911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!

Laughter in background.

911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!

This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.

However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."

Poor guy.

Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.

Sucking Cocks For Haiti

Disassociated Press- 

On the heels of George Clooney hosting a star-studded telethon to raise funds to help Haiti, porn stars have bonded together to do their part. "We're sucking cocks for Haiti," Monica Sweetheart told a dick hardened Moon Zuppa rookie reporter named "Phil." Sweetheart, and she sure is, put in a call to a few of her slut bunnies including Claudia Rossi and Eva Angelina after seeing the devastation on the news. "I was working and the scene was fucking from behind so I had a good view of the TV. I couldn't believe what I saw. Once the load finished dripping on me, I decided to do something about it."

What a gal. We need more porn stars like her. For every cock sucked, $1 dollar will be sent to the local Red Cross. And how do they feel about it? "Hey, at this point, the more the merrier. Like an orgy, you know?" explained one aid worker. Another chimed in. "Look, roughly 80% of the cash gets skimmed anyway so when we say we need, say, $100 000, it really means $180 000. It's nice that all segments of the population are coming through to help make up for the corruption."

"I don't think about stuff like that," Sweetheart, and she sure is, said. "If I do, it can really get in the way. I just want to get to as many penises as I can. I may even have a whole new career on my hand. Imagine that. A humanitarian whore! Wow. I, mean, it'll totally mainstream porn once and for all."

And soon they'll be winning Oscars.

Porn Stars For Haiti estimate they'll raise about $201.78.

We don't know how they calculated the .78 cents.