Letters to Moon Zuppa

June

Moon Zuppa,

I still think you guys suck like Katie Couric.

Jon Stewart

Moon Zuppa responds; So we hear.

Moon Zuppa,

I notice you have a fetish for scrotums. Especialy scrotums that smell. Why?

Jill

Moon Zuppa responds: Because.


March 11, 2006.

Dear MZ,

i AM jON sTEWaRT. YoU SaCkS Of ShITs. i DID nOT GIVE YOU PeRmiSSIon to PUBbliSh YouR CruD.

I wrote like this to show that you are not worth the time to even merit proper writing.

Jon Stewart - Satire Genius (as proclaimed by Oprah Winfrey)

Dear MZ,

Ha! Ha! I write my own speeches....jerks.

George Clooney - HOLLYWOOD! The bestest place on earth.

Dear MZ,

Where can I meet Billy Lee Evermore? He makes me wet and hot. Hot and wet. LIke good Quaker pourridge. I betcha he's the best retarded lover around.

Leslie, Rootabega, Illinois

Dear MZ,

I am still hurt by your insistance to call me Tony Banta.

Tony Danza - naked and upset somewhere in my studio.

Dear MZ,

I feel for Rongalla. The 2nd guy I'm cheating with on my husband insists I lick and suck his scrotum but I don't have the guts or heart to tell him it stinks. He says he thoroughly scrubs down there but it still makes me want to vomit. What should I do?

Helen Iuty, Montreal

MZUPPA responds: Spit on it and add some Comet. How the fuck should we know? It's MOON ZUPPA not MOON ABBEY, honey. Thanks for reading cunt.

February

Deer MZ,

U tirned downed my artikl i send u? y? r u jirks?

Rosbert Yulliniblimp, Arkinsaw

Dear Moon Zuppa,

What's the point of your blog? How can you publish such things considering that the world is burning up, swiss cheese has too many irregular holes and people are starving in Africa?

Ciaci, Wisconsin

Moon Zuppa responds,

Mr. Ciaci, that's the point.


Dear Moon Zuppa,

Here's my advice for those with insomnia. Relax and suck your toes at a 42.337 degree angle. It works.

Hatfield Ty, Quill Lake, Saskatchewan

Dear Moon Zuppa,

When is Max returning? That guy is a killer. He makes my life much more bearable. He's to writing as convection is to cooking.

Maddy Hencuppy, Flin Flon, Manitoba

Moon Zuppa responds,

Max will intermittently be a regular feature on our site.

Dear Moon Zuppa,

Are you, like, related to Frank Zappa?

Zappahead, Zappaville (Zappa lives!)

Dear Moon Zuppa,

Your satire is suspiciously pro-Bush and Israeli. I hope you die. Date me?

Anonymous

No, it's Maureen Dowd (I write for the NYT)

Dear Moon Zuppa,

I'm a free spirit that once met Koko in a Kenyan saloon outside Nairobi. He was a great runner. I'm not impressed with your inaccurate reporting.

Doug Henning, Dead Zebra (somewhere in Africa)