TSA Changes Name To Tits' N Asses

Disassociated Press

"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."

So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.

***

Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.

"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"

"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."

Spoon Wielding Chick Faces Charges

Moon Zuppa received this disturbing 911 call. Please. If you're children are still fucking swear virgins, tuck them away.

911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!

ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.

Alarm smashed.

911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!

Laughter in background.

911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!

This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.

However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."

Poor guy.

Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.