Sunday, May 08, 2016

Michael Bloomberg Sets Sights On Banning Cotton Candy; Reveals Failed Attempt At Getting New York To Sleep

Disassociated Press -

In a dark, damp dungeon deep under the Bloomberg building, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (aka Mother Hen, Nanny Mikey) fresh off being laughed at for his failed attempt to tax sugary sodas is not giving up. He gets up from his synthesizer and downs a pack of sugar,  'Maybe I wasn't audacious enough. I mean, the health of people is at stake here and I really think I'm the guy to get it done" he told me. "It's all sciency. Even Bill Nye the engineer is on board. If there's one thing engineers with bow ties know it's diet and dietician things!"

He sat back down on his synthesizer and began playing morbid notes and added, "You see, people don't know how to vote in their interest, They also don't understand the art of compromise. I think we should ban sodas but I'm reasonable so I don't see why a tax is such a big deal. I'm willing to pay it and so should you."

When asked if the potential for such a tax will only create a black market or disproportionately impact low-income people he asserted, "Look, aside from your rabid racism, nothing is perfect but we have a serious fattese problem" Fattese, he explained to me, was his substitute for obsese which he felt was descriptive enough and losing its panache; its cache. "Sorta like how the geniuses had to change global warming to climate change thanks to Mother Nature's natural tendency to be a bitch. Anyway, we have a long history of putting poor people on the right track.'

He then took pride in explaining a song he was working on. He put on a mask. "It helps me think." He paused and continued. "Billy Joe wrote 'New York State of Mind'. A song I love so. I wanted to come up with one that captured New York but in a Bloombergian spirit. This is how I ended up with 'New York Statist Mind'.

And what exactly was the state of a New Yorker's mind?

 "Oh really?" a token random person I quoted to give appearance of balance said. "Dude is nuts. New York killed a man to death by a murderous choke hold selling loosies. LOOSIES! And now he advocates more stupid state legislation that will hurt us? Man."

But Bloomberg is having none of this pish-posh because he knows his mission is for the greater good. "It's for the benefit of all. Look, I enjoy a good Mountain Mist as much as the ne..." Mr. Bloomberg is interrupted by someone speaking in his earpiece. He suddenly blurted, "What's a Mountain Dew?"

He adjusts his mask. "Look, all I'm saying is this is important. It's crucial to my dream of taxing fun foods. The other day I was watching a baseball game on TV and saw a kid eating cotton candy. COTTON CANDY! Could you believe it? In 2016! I was perplexed and flabbergasted. Don't his parents know what that does to teeth? He wasn't obese, in fact he looked to be healthy but his parents were being negligent in making an fattese out of him. So cotton candy is next on my list. This is why I do it. I fight for kids like that. Come to think of it, we should imprison parents who buy junk food!"

Bloomberg closed the interview candidly by saying, "Did you know New York never sleeps? It's true. All that sugar. Did you also know I tried to change that by tabling the 'Sleep Well New York' act? It didn't go far but my plan was to have all New Yorkers in bed by 11pm. A good city is a healthy city that sleeps. It coulda worked if I were reelected. New Yorkers have a long history of supporting paternalistic and progressive policies."

I laughed in his face and could not stop even as I was escorted out his lair where he incubates - among other things I reckon - his madness.

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