Disassociated Press -
Somewhere in Somalia.
Moon Zuppa was deep in Somali pirate territory and gained intimate information and knowledge regarding the pain suffered through American cultural imperialism by Somali pirates. We met one, who goes by the name 'Kony' who asked to read his manifesto to us. We agreed.
"We demand the Americans change the name of the Pittsburgh Pirates immediately or suffer the consequences! We've been insulted long enough! Um, that is all."
After publishing this remarkable proclamation Ed Asner contacted us through Skype to impart his opinion.
"It is incumbent on us to pay attention to the impact our actions have on other cultures" said Ed Asner. "I mean, like, they chose the name 'Pirates' back in the days when we were ignorant. Like, dumb ignorant, you know? Like, 18th or 19th century stoopid."
When told The Age of Enlightenment and other philosophical and cultural movements that shaped the foundation of Western achievement were born in those centuries, Asner replied, "Yeah, off the backs of the poor people!
Out of nowhere, Bill Maher came in the picture and chimed in. "You must be some sort of libbertarian. Who don't you move to your precious libbertarian paradise in Somaliland!"
We asked Kony under what circumstances they would accept the name Pirates. "Yes. If they win more titles. We're watching."
***
Artists who helped propel a liberal-progressive-tyrant into power are now ruing the day did so. Moon Zuppa has learned Bebe Lee who rode his "Coercive Compassion is Compassion" campaign to power largely thanks to a caravan of artists who supported him has arrested each of them and it has been reported plans to execute them.
Details are sketchy at the moment but one insider has revealed "useful idiots are good for some of the time but not all of the time since they can easily start to write music against your power. Mr. Lee must think of the children and urges people to respect the democratic process."
Monday, September 30, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
First Lady Encourages Kids To Breathe More
Disassociated Press -
Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."
Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science.
"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of meals to water."
When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"
Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?
But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."
The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."
Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."
Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science.
"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of meals to water."
When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"
Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?
But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."
The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."
Monday, November 07, 2011
Amnesty Launches Lawsuit Against Occupy Wall Street
Disassociated Press -
Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.
"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"
Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"
The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.
We signed up!
We'll let you know!
Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.
"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"
Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"
The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.
We signed up!
We'll let you know!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
TSA Changes Name To Tits' N Asses
Disassociated Press
"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."
So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.
***
Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.
"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"
"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."
"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."
So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.
***
Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.
"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"
"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Homeland Security Moves To Ban Box Cutters
The announcement has led Home Depot, Lowe's, Reno, Ro-Na and Home Hardware to band together under the banner, "Box Cutters don't commit crimes, but they hurt when they cut you."
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Mouse Overcame Prejudice And Mental Disabilities With Courage
Disassociated Press
Bloomington - The world's greatest labyrinth mouse in history has died. Cousin Ritzputtle (seen right), semi-retarded and always hungry for cheese, was killed when the hamster wheel in his luxurious Thai-inspired cage fell off and cut his blessed little head. "No one could sniff through a maze like C.R. could," head janitor Antonio Ypres told Moon Zuppa.
"Ritzy was once clocked at completing his maze run in under a minute. I don't know how good that is but we felt it was a maze-in. Watching him run around with that little helmet brought joy to us all, " fellow head vice lab person Mills Diatrib recounted with nostalgia.
Moon Zuppa doesn't like rodents and as far as we're concerned one less of these morons eating our cheese the better. Mind you, we're lactose intolerant. But you get our point! Cheese is for humans!
Bloomington - The world's greatest labyrinth mouse in history has died. Cousin Ritzputtle (seen right), semi-retarded and always hungry for cheese, was killed when the hamster wheel in his luxurious Thai-inspired cage fell off and cut his blessed little head. "No one could sniff through a maze like C.R. could," head janitor Antonio Ypres told Moon Zuppa. According to witnesses, there was blood everywhere. Sources say ants were thrown in to clean up the decomposing mess. It's what L'il Cousin would have wanted.
"Despite his retardation, he had the mind of a GPS. In fact, we have contacted the makers of GPS and offered his brain for experimentation. So far there are no takers but we're confident there will be," head lab guy Mike Petrodiezel explained. "It's a huge loss. Too large to bear I'm afraid. Worse than when I lost my mother. it's tough. You know? Rough."
Moon Zuppa doesn't like rodents and as far as we're concerned one less of these morons eating our cheese the better. Mind you, we're lactose intolerant. But you get our point! Cheese is for humans!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Prime President Obama Plans Military Invasion Of Insurance Companies
This summary is not available. Please
click here to view the post.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
President Obama To Stop Being A Professor
"I think I'm getting the hang of this "president" thing," was how he put it. "It's tough though," he said while chuckling, "I keep looking for my chalk when I'm up there speaking; especially when my sleeves are rolled."
He also added. "I think I'm gonna make like Bat-Man and work behind the scenes rather than get in people's faces."
You do that, Mr. President.
He also added. "I think I'm gonna make like Bat-Man and work behind the scenes rather than get in people's faces."
You do that, Mr. President.
Spoon Wielding Chick Faces Charges
Moon Zuppa received this disturbing 911 call. Please. If you're children are still fucking swear virgins, tuck them away.
911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!
ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.
Alarm smashed.
911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!
Laughter in background.
911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!
This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.
However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."
Poor guy.
Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.
911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!
ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.
Alarm smashed.
911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!
Laughter in background.
911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!
This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.
However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."
Poor guy.
Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sucking Cocks For Haiti
Disassociated Press-
On the heels of George Clooney hosting a star-studded telethon to raise funds to help Haiti, porn stars have bonded together to do their part. "We're sucking cocks for Haiti," Monica Sweetheart told a dick hardened Moon Zuppa rookie reporter named "Phil." Sweetheart, and she sure is, put in a call to a few of her slut bunnies including Claudia Rossi and Eva Angelina after seeing the devastation on the news. "I was working and the scene was fucking from behind so I had a good view of the TV. I couldn't believe what I saw. Once the load finished dripping on me, I decided to do something about it."
What a gal. We need more porn stars like her. For every cock sucked, $1 dollar will be sent to the local Red Cross. And how do they feel about it? "Hey, at this point, the more the merrier. Like an orgy, you know?" explained one aid worker. Another chimed in. "Look, roughly 80% of the cash gets skimmed anyway so when we say we need, say, $100 000, it really means $180 000. It's nice that all segments of the population are coming through to help make up for the corruption."
"I don't think about stuff like that," Sweetheart, and she sure is, said. "If I do, it can really get in the way. I just want to get to as many penises as I can. I may even have a whole new career on my hand. Imagine that. A humanitarian whore! Wow. I, mean, it'll totally mainstream porn once and for all."
And soon they'll be winning Oscars.
Porn Stars For Haiti estimate they'll raise about $201.78.
We don't know how they calculated the .78 cents.
On the heels of George Clooney hosting a star-studded telethon to raise funds to help Haiti, porn stars have bonded together to do their part. "We're sucking cocks for Haiti," Monica Sweetheart told a dick hardened Moon Zuppa rookie reporter named "Phil." Sweetheart, and she sure is, put in a call to a few of her slut bunnies including Claudia Rossi and Eva Angelina after seeing the devastation on the news. "I was working and the scene was fucking from behind so I had a good view of the TV. I couldn't believe what I saw. Once the load finished dripping on me, I decided to do something about it."
What a gal. We need more porn stars like her. For every cock sucked, $1 dollar will be sent to the local Red Cross. And how do they feel about it? "Hey, at this point, the more the merrier. Like an orgy, you know?" explained one aid worker. Another chimed in. "Look, roughly 80% of the cash gets skimmed anyway so when we say we need, say, $100 000, it really means $180 000. It's nice that all segments of the population are coming through to help make up for the corruption."
"I don't think about stuff like that," Sweetheart, and she sure is, said. "If I do, it can really get in the way. I just want to get to as many penises as I can. I may even have a whole new career on my hand. Imagine that. A humanitarian whore! Wow. I, mean, it'll totally mainstream porn once and for all."
And soon they'll be winning Oscars.
Porn Stars For Haiti estimate they'll raise about $201.78.
We don't know how they calculated the .78 cents.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Man Goes On Shooting Rampage; Says It Was A Joke
"Gilbert Arenas is a poser." So was the first sentence uttered by Mack "Little' du Vent in an exclusive interview with Moon Zuppa one day after his infamous shooting spree that left three squirrels injured. "I hear one of them lost his hand. Do squirrels have hands?" We weren't sure.
du Vent was, the story goes, upset about something but we couldn't find out. Mediocre journalist we are. "They say for a war to be just it must adhere to certain principles as set by jus ad bellum lest the war be illegal. I feel I was under attack. I had no choice. Squirrels are schemers."
Interesting thought. Although we're not sure why the Jews have to be involved.
The detective assigned to the case, Davey Lewisvilleberg, believes this was a random act of violence. "To be honest, we didn't really grasp all that adbelloom stuff. All I know is there are three squirrels wondering what the fuck happened. I wouldn't want to be their families right now. Have you ever looked a squirrel in the eye to tell them they lost a loved one? I have. It's no fun, man."
Mr. du Vent, despite his legal posturing, claims it was all just a joke. "People don't get me."
He will be arraigned next week. As for the squirrels, they're going nuts for the truth.
du Vent was, the story goes, upset about something but we couldn't find out. Mediocre journalist we are. "They say for a war to be just it must adhere to certain principles as set by jus ad bellum lest the war be illegal. I feel I was under attack. I had no choice. Squirrels are schemers."
Interesting thought. Although we're not sure why the Jews have to be involved.
The detective assigned to the case, Davey Lewisvilleberg, believes this was a random act of violence. "To be honest, we didn't really grasp all that adbelloom stuff. All I know is there are three squirrels wondering what the fuck happened. I wouldn't want to be their families right now. Have you ever looked a squirrel in the eye to tell them they lost a loved one? I have. It's no fun, man."
Mr. du Vent, despite his legal posturing, claims it was all just a joke. "People don't get me."
He will be arraigned next week. As for the squirrels, they're going nuts for the truth.
Saturday, August 08, 2009
Kid Flagged For Typing Error
Disassociated Press -
It started out like any other pathetic day for Joe Harky. The little dicken got up, scratched his balls, brushed his tooth, ate what was left in the fridge, got dressed with high quality hand me downs, shut the door to his outhouse and off he went to a school he's not even eligible to attend.
"I knew it was going to be a rough day when I had to scratch my balls more than usual," Joe said after agreeing to speak with Moon Zuppa and no one else.
During computer class, Joe decided to save a document. He couldn't think of anything witty to title it so he unwittingly went with 'KKK.' "It just happened that way. I had to piss so badly."
While away in the bathroom, his teacher noticed his draft and notified authorities. "I had to do something. With the White House asking us to flag people I was doing my patritotic duty." We reminded her she lived in Caanada. "Whatever," she replied.
Police detained Joe for questioning.The Human Rights Tribunal, a ragged bunch if we've ever seen one, also get in on the act on behalf of the school. "We want his blood. No. Seriously. Can you fill this vile?" one of their flunkies asked us.
"It was an honest mistake but they didn't want to believe me. They kept asking me to prove my existence," Joe explained with a confused look.
"They demanded to know if I was a stooge of the insurance companies or a member of ACCORN. What does this mean, mom?"
It means what you know isn't and what you thought you knew isn't. It also means nothing exists. No one believes.
The moral of this sad and sordid tale, seemingly, is don't scratch your balls to hard because you may just uncover a conspiracy.
It started out like any other pathetic day for Joe Harky. The little dicken got up, scratched his balls, brushed his tooth, ate what was left in the fridge, got dressed with high quality hand me downs, shut the door to his outhouse and off he went to a school he's not even eligible to attend.
"I knew it was going to be a rough day when I had to scratch my balls more than usual," Joe said after agreeing to speak with Moon Zuppa and no one else.
During computer class, Joe decided to save a document. He couldn't think of anything witty to title it so he unwittingly went with 'KKK.' "It just happened that way. I had to piss so badly."
While away in the bathroom, his teacher noticed his draft and notified authorities. "I had to do something. With the White House asking us to flag people I was doing my patritotic duty." We reminded her she lived in Caanada. "Whatever," she replied.
Police detained Joe for questioning.The Human Rights Tribunal, a ragged bunch if we've ever seen one, also get in on the act on behalf of the school. "We want his blood. No. Seriously. Can you fill this vile?" one of their flunkies asked us.
"It was an honest mistake but they didn't want to believe me. They kept asking me to prove my existence," Joe explained with a confused look.
"They demanded to know if I was a stooge of the insurance companies or a member of ACCORN. What does this mean, mom?"
It means what you know isn't and what you thought you knew isn't. It also means nothing exists. No one believes.
The moral of this sad and sordid tale, seemingly, is don't scratch your balls to hard because you may just uncover a conspiracy.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Spelling Bee Champ Used HGH
Disassociated Press -
"I always knew that kid was juiced" one parent shouted as police escorted a spelling bee icon into the courthouse following a massive, but tastefully executed, steroid raid in an Ontario trailer park.
Pinjib Darry, while spelling everything in site, was taken into custody today. What led investigators to Darry was the confession by the main suspect in the bust Les Timwither. Timwither claimed the drugs were destined for six NFL, MLB and NHL teams and one box for "one spelling bee dude".
"He never called it in. I doubt he even knows he's been taking them. His mother is one whacked out chick. Good in the sack though. That Karma Sootra shit really moves my dick".
Organizers and fans alike began to suspect things were off with Darry when the 13 year-olds voice suddenly began to sound like Barry White and constantly flexed muscles after each correctly spelled word.
"Darry is the greatest speller in history. He's won 34 straight spelling bees in six different langauages" Melinda Mofo explained to Moon Zuppa.
She added, "there's certainly a debate about whether we should erase the record books where Darry is concerned. Too bad. He was a hero to us. Like Barbaro."
"Barbaro could spell"? Moon Zuppa innocently asked. We were then shown the door. "I will not tolerate insolence towards Barbs".
Darry's court appearance will be tomorrow morning where he's expected to plead "not innocent".
This is Moon Zuppa reporting.
"I always knew that kid was juiced" one parent shouted as police escorted a spelling bee icon into the courthouse following a massive, but tastefully executed, steroid raid in an Ontario trailer park.
Pinjib Darry, while spelling everything in site, was taken into custody today. What led investigators to Darry was the confession by the main suspect in the bust Les Timwither. Timwither claimed the drugs were destined for six NFL, MLB and NHL teams and one box for "one spelling bee dude".
"He never called it in. I doubt he even knows he's been taking them. His mother is one whacked out chick. Good in the sack though. That Karma Sootra shit really moves my dick".
Organizers and fans alike began to suspect things were off with Darry when the 13 year-olds voice suddenly began to sound like Barry White and constantly flexed muscles after each correctly spelled word.
"Darry is the greatest speller in history. He's won 34 straight spelling bees in six different langauages" Melinda Mofo explained to Moon Zuppa.
She added, "there's certainly a debate about whether we should erase the record books where Darry is concerned. Too bad. He was a hero to us. Like Barbaro."
"Barbaro could spell"? Moon Zuppa innocently asked. We were then shown the door. "I will not tolerate insolence towards Barbs".
Darry's court appearance will be tomorrow morning where he's expected to plead "not innocent".
This is Moon Zuppa reporting.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
ING Guy Caught Embezzling Bank Funds
See this guy? He spent years building your trust telling you to "save your money." Yeah well,turns out he's been hoarding your savings and loansharking it out. Just when you were beginning to believe what you saw on TV.
Now we know why there are no ING branches to speak of. ING guy was the branch.
We tried to reach ING guy's publicist but she couldn't speak English and we don't know any Dutch. It was an impasse but we managed get passed this through a Mongolian translator. "These are hard economic times in case you haven't noticed" she said. "But ING khan cares about people and he was planning to invest the cash at the right moment."
At 42.5% of course.
When asked about the loansharking operation she suddenly didn't understand the Mongol. "Che, che?" was all she would say.
So we then asked where he was keeping the money. To this, she perked up and replied, "His mattress of course." However, rumors have circulated that ING guy in fact sleeps in a water bed.
In yet another angle, sources not so close to Moon Zuppa have reported he "invested" the cash in a marijuana muffin scheme.
There are concerns some of the muffins may have found their way onto shelves at Tim Hortons.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Winning Over Yellow Lungs And Polluted Minds With Organic Cigarettes
Disassociated Press -
Virginia - In a crowded smoke-infested room stands Simon LeLemonnet. A person walks up to him, "Cigarette?" "I don't smoke that shit," he replies. In a world of contradiction, LeLemonnet is a walking contradiction onto himself. You see and we write here, he's the CEO of Tobacco Road Industries.
"I recently took us into the kamut and whole grain business," he proudly tells Moon Zuppa as he sips blueberry juice before going on stage to address the crowd assembled for his press conference
The cigarette industry is under constant fire now. Once alone in the world of pouncing on vices, they're in competition with social zealots who seek a monopoly on virtue.
From the podium, LeLemonnet opens with an admission of guilt. "Ok. I admit it. Mea culpa. Cigaretters are addictive. Just like Doritos and Coke." Then he shouts, "But these do-gooders...We're cut from the same chord we shall die arm in arm like King Arthur and Mordred!"
He composes himself and takes a sip of his juice and looks at the bottle. "Ahh, so refreshing!" The he stares into the crowd, "and healthy! That's why I'm introducing the world's first organic cigarette with Omega-3!" He then throws the bottle to the ground and makes an air-guitar lick move.
Crowd stands up and cheers.
Except for one shadowy figure. Yours truly.
Virginia - In a crowded smoke-infested room stands Simon LeLemonnet. A person walks up to him, "Cigarette?" "I don't smoke that shit," he replies. In a world of contradiction, LeLemonnet is a walking contradiction onto himself. You see and we write here, he's the CEO of Tobacco Road Industries.
"I recently took us into the kamut and whole grain business," he proudly tells Moon Zuppa as he sips blueberry juice before going on stage to address the crowd assembled for his press conference
The cigarette industry is under constant fire now. Once alone in the world of pouncing on vices, they're in competition with social zealots who seek a monopoly on virtue.
From the podium, LeLemonnet opens with an admission of guilt. "Ok. I admit it. Mea culpa. Cigaretters are addictive. Just like Doritos and Coke." Then he shouts, "But these do-gooders...We're cut from the same chord we shall die arm in arm like King Arthur and Mordred!"
He composes himself and takes a sip of his juice and looks at the bottle. "Ahh, so refreshing!" The he stares into the crowd, "and healthy! That's why I'm introducing the world's first organic cigarette with Omega-3!" He then throws the bottle to the ground and makes an air-guitar lick move.
Crowd stands up and cheers.
Except for one shadowy figure. Yours truly.
Friday, January 02, 2009
Marbury Plots His Next Career Move
Disassociated Press -
Moon Zuppa thinks Stephon Marbury is a worldly individual. A successful, cocky businessman and athlete, the world's greatest shyster has big plans and the truth about his interest in Italy.
"I's got to git me to I-taly! Damn, those I-talians!"
Marbury, 31, is convinced he knows how to turn copper into gold and the only place to do it is in Europe. "Wees too ignorance here. I gots to git to Yourup. There, I can dupe me some king or sumting. Once the Knicks contract is up I's got to find me a new sugardaddy, you hear me bitch?"
When asked (by us. Moon Zuppa) if he ever plans to actually play basketball and stop dicking around Stephon offered a philosophical thought, "Is it so wrong to get a million dollar contract even though I didn't ask for it? I mean, so I bounce a ball up and down a court. I never bothered nobody. Nobody! I didn't create what I've become. It was them. It was the establishment. Stephon is misunderstood, you know? But I's a hot damn good bizness man!"
No, we don't. He may be known as Shysterbury to some but he's in the process of becoming Mar-Burying his credibility and life.
Moon Zuppa thinks Stephon Marbury is a worldly individual. A successful, cocky businessman and athlete, the world's greatest shyster has big plans and the truth about his interest in Italy.
"I's got to git me to I-taly! Damn, those I-talians!"
Marbury, 31, is convinced he knows how to turn copper into gold and the only place to do it is in Europe. "Wees too ignorance here. I gots to git to Yourup. There, I can dupe me some king or sumting. Once the Knicks contract is up I's got to find me a new sugardaddy, you hear me bitch?"
When asked (by us. Moon Zuppa) if he ever plans to actually play basketball and stop dicking around Stephon offered a philosophical thought, "Is it so wrong to get a million dollar contract even though I didn't ask for it? I mean, so I bounce a ball up and down a court. I never bothered nobody. Nobody! I didn't create what I've become. It was them. It was the establishment. Stephon is misunderstood, you know? But I's a hot damn good bizness man!"
No, we don't. He may be known as Shysterbury to some but he's in the process of becoming Mar-Burying his credibility and life.
Government To Assign NDP Representative Per Household
Disassociated Press -
Somewhere in rural Northern Ontario where the snow refuses to cooperate with the sun -
Hi. Moon Zuppa is reporting (and we use the term loosely) the government is preparing to introduce legislation for "personal long-term planning" through sensitive but resistant documentation we obtained from an outside source in Kanata (just outside Ottawa.)
"This can no longer go on. Canadians need our help," an NDP spokesalien and close associate to Jack Layton named Froluck told us. "It's simple. We've consulted with other non-elected bodies and organizations and decided to conspire a plan to ensure every Canadian is safe." From what Canadians need to be fearful of exactly wasn't disclosed or explained. Froluck added, "Jackie, who is searching for the philosopher's stone in Southern France, would be so fucken' proud of us."
The Liberals, who were holding their annual tupperware party in Arizona, are on board with the plan. "Look, the party stinks right now. We'll approve anything," explained one of Justin Trudeau's flunkies. He continued, "We don't know much but we do know that interventionism is better than laissez-faire capitalism." When pressed to explain what he meant, he answered "Leave me alone."
Moon Zuppa went after the man behind the fiendish scam: Bradford Jefferson IX. "We think the cost of the plan will run into the billions. But we think it's worth it." When suggested this was irresponsible utopian socialist murky mumbo-jumbo all paid by the taxpayers, Mr. Jefferson said, "If taking care of your fellow man is communistic then I'm guilty as charged! You people make me sick. You really need to be more progressive. You see, us Liberals are extremely progressive."
And what is the proposal? Here's an excerpt from a speech given by Mr. Jefferson to the Canadian Kennel Club:
"Thank you. Woof, woof! When people ask me what my passion is, I always tell them it's about liberty; controlled liberty. There's nothing more progressive. But that's just the shell. It needs to be filled with cheese and meat so to speak. It's all about long-term planning. Getting to the root of things. Offering solutions. Being progressive by pretending to both prevent and predict problems. It's about converting our values into practical and favorable action. It's about belief systems. Crescent roles and all the wholesome feelings it conjures up. It's also about the environment and personal health and hygiene. We want to ensure all of these are in every Canadian household. The only way to do this is to build an army of NDP robots to enter every home in this free land. We feel this an appropriate response to achieve our goals. 67% of Canadians voted for us so Harper better shut his stupid cocky face and go with it. He know nothing about democracy and freedom. But we do!"
Yeah.
Right.
Somewhere in rural Northern Ontario where the snow refuses to cooperate with the sun -
Hi. Moon Zuppa is reporting (and we use the term loosely) the government is preparing to introduce legislation for "personal long-term planning" through sensitive but resistant documentation we obtained from an outside source in Kanata (just outside Ottawa.)
"This can no longer go on. Canadians need our help," an NDP spokesalien and close associate to Jack Layton named Froluck told us. "It's simple. We've consulted with other non-elected bodies and organizations and decided to conspire a plan to ensure every Canadian is safe." From what Canadians need to be fearful of exactly wasn't disclosed or explained. Froluck added, "Jackie, who is searching for the philosopher's stone in Southern France, would be so fucken' proud of us."
The Liberals, who were holding their annual tupperware party in Arizona, are on board with the plan. "Look, the party stinks right now. We'll approve anything," explained one of Justin Trudeau's flunkies. He continued, "We don't know much but we do know that interventionism is better than laissez-faire capitalism." When pressed to explain what he meant, he answered "Leave me alone."
Moon Zuppa went after the man behind the fiendish scam: Bradford Jefferson IX. "We think the cost of the plan will run into the billions. But we think it's worth it." When suggested this was irresponsible utopian socialist murky mumbo-jumbo all paid by the taxpayers, Mr. Jefferson said, "If taking care of your fellow man is communistic then I'm guilty as charged! You people make me sick. You really need to be more progressive. You see, us Liberals are extremely progressive."
And what is the proposal? Here's an excerpt from a speech given by Mr. Jefferson to the Canadian Kennel Club:
"Thank you. Woof, woof! When people ask me what my passion is, I always tell them it's about liberty; controlled liberty. There's nothing more progressive. But that's just the shell. It needs to be filled with cheese and meat so to speak. It's all about long-term planning. Getting to the root of things. Offering solutions. Being progressive by pretending to both prevent and predict problems. It's about converting our values into practical and favorable action. It's about belief systems. Crescent roles and all the wholesome feelings it conjures up. It's also about the environment and personal health and hygiene. We want to ensure all of these are in every Canadian household. The only way to do this is to build an army of NDP robots to enter every home in this free land. We feel this an appropriate response to achieve our goals. 67% of Canadians voted for us so Harper better shut his stupid cocky face and go with it. He know nothing about democracy and freedom. But we do!"
Yeah.
Right.
Friday, November 07, 2008
From Buckwheat To Token Franklin: Obama Makes Love To My Brain
Disassociated Press - Free of editing since 2008.
I come back from a two-month tea party in Nunavut with Rex Murphy and next thing I know Obama iz Prez.
And boy was it a mean tea party. Flavors of the world at our disposal.
Moon Zuppa asked me to offer my thoughts about the election. I said, "What election?" and they were like, "How much seal blood did you drink?" and I was like, "None. I'm Hemo-Intolerant."
They informed me about the first black President ever. I was surprised. I coulda sworn there were others. Weren't Bo Jackson or JJ leaders?
Then again, I never cared for facts or history. My first reaction was, "Fucken-A. Benson made it."
I asked what his campaign song was. I was disappointed he didn't go with "Fat Albert" or "Shaft" or "Sanford & Son" or "The Jeffersons." Although I hear he's already plastered the Oval Office walls with posters of Richard Pryor.
Our conversation concluded with my agreeing to offer my insights.
I made a few calls and discovered that Obama's first order of biz, in addition to growing a bad ass NBA-style afro, after he assumes full control of the executive is to introduce slavery. Only this time, it'll be white folk picking cotton - figuratively speaking. Three white people will be assigned to every black household in an effort to equalize history.
He's calling it "Reverse Slavery, Bitch."
I say go for it. If it means balancing things out I say it's about time. We white folks had it coming. And for those of you who feel you had nothing to do with the past I say too bad. You shoulda thought of that before choosing your past. Someone has to pay. Pay it back now!
While I was writing this article, I got hungry. So I headed for the pharmacy. On the way there, a kid tugged my jean jacket from behind as I stopped to light my cigarette. I hate when they fucking do that. He said, "Mister. Obama has inspired me to want to become the first Indian to become leader of America."
I kneeled down and put my hand on his shoulder and said, "That's great. Listen kid, don't take this the wrong way but get a grip. Even if you feather-wearing natives had a chance you would never succeed. To be leader of that country you need to be an American. You are in Canada dumb ass. Capiche, Buffalo Cheese?"
He began to cry. "But I don't want to be President of Canada!"
I looked at him and laughed.
Full on pills, I got back to work. According to my insider - who really isn't a political insider. He's just a plumber. And not a very good one - he told me a rapper he knows said he hear Obama say, "We are the establishment now! Bring some homies and chicks to the White House lawn! Let's bring class to this joint."
At which point, a delirious Jesse Jackson jumped up and cryptically yelped, "Yeow, My crayola's are missing!"
I also heard the KKK, for its part, is now planning to mail a copy of "Birth of a nation" on VHS to remind white people to "wake up" and take back their country. "When you mix a Jew with a nigger you get Jewnig. Do you want Jewnig's telling you what toilet paper to buy?"
The guy has a point.
I didn't know Obama until today. But already his tall, slender build and smooth verbal deliveries have left me wondering if he'll ever share a tea with me and Rex on the Mackenzie.
Jig Joner is a writer we found at a party.
I come back from a two-month tea party in Nunavut with Rex Murphy and next thing I know Obama iz Prez.
And boy was it a mean tea party. Flavors of the world at our disposal.
Moon Zuppa asked me to offer my thoughts about the election. I said, "What election?" and they were like, "How much seal blood did you drink?" and I was like, "None. I'm Hemo-Intolerant."
They informed me about the first black President ever. I was surprised. I coulda sworn there were others. Weren't Bo Jackson or JJ leaders?
Then again, I never cared for facts or history. My first reaction was, "Fucken-A. Benson made it."
I asked what his campaign song was. I was disappointed he didn't go with "Fat Albert" or "Shaft" or "Sanford & Son" or "The Jeffersons." Although I hear he's already plastered the Oval Office walls with posters of Richard Pryor.
Our conversation concluded with my agreeing to offer my insights.
I made a few calls and discovered that Obama's first order of biz, in addition to growing a bad ass NBA-style afro, after he assumes full control of the executive is to introduce slavery. Only this time, it'll be white folk picking cotton - figuratively speaking. Three white people will be assigned to every black household in an effort to equalize history.
He's calling it "Reverse Slavery, Bitch."
I say go for it. If it means balancing things out I say it's about time. We white folks had it coming. And for those of you who feel you had nothing to do with the past I say too bad. You shoulda thought of that before choosing your past. Someone has to pay. Pay it back now!
While I was writing this article, I got hungry. So I headed for the pharmacy. On the way there, a kid tugged my jean jacket from behind as I stopped to light my cigarette. I hate when they fucking do that. He said, "Mister. Obama has inspired me to want to become the first Indian to become leader of America."
I kneeled down and put my hand on his shoulder and said, "That's great. Listen kid, don't take this the wrong way but get a grip. Even if you feather-wearing natives had a chance you would never succeed. To be leader of that country you need to be an American. You are in Canada dumb ass. Capiche, Buffalo Cheese?"
He began to cry. "But I don't want to be President of Canada!"
I looked at him and laughed.
Full on pills, I got back to work. According to my insider - who really isn't a political insider. He's just a plumber. And not a very good one - he told me a rapper he knows said he hear Obama say, "We are the establishment now! Bring some homies and chicks to the White House lawn! Let's bring class to this joint."
At which point, a delirious Jesse Jackson jumped up and cryptically yelped, "Yeow, My crayola's are missing!"
I also heard the KKK, for its part, is now planning to mail a copy of "Birth of a nation" on VHS to remind white people to "wake up" and take back their country. "When you mix a Jew with a nigger you get Jewnig. Do you want Jewnig's telling you what toilet paper to buy?"
The guy has a point.
I didn't know Obama until today. But already his tall, slender build and smooth verbal deliveries have left me wondering if he'll ever share a tea with me and Rex on the Mackenzie.
Jig Joner is a writer we found at a party.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Of Skunks and Skanks
Moon Zuppa Opinion Page:
By Beaker
Today. Earlier. I was driving in traffic. There were cars in front of me in the lane. They were all driving slowly in rush hour. "Drive faster assholes!" I yelled at my dashboard.
I wished to Vishnu they heard me. But they didn't because they're stupid. And even if they did I can just imagine what they would say in that whiny, tight ass tone, "next time leave earlier for work and you wouldn't be in such a rush."
"Yeah well that piece of shit that was lodged in my ass took 10 minutes longer to come out. You can't account for that in the morning."
I also thought about how I wanted to fuck my neighbour in the ass. Been there, done that I know but... Her husband ignores her. She's a docile and decent enough lady. She deserves to be squirted on every once in a while and she loves it. For a 48-year old lady she's ok looking. She loves to keep jewelry on when she engages in such activities and I must profess it's sexy.
Even though she ignores me when she sees me taking out the garbage our forbidden love is getting freakier by the day. She is into the DP thing now - outside. And the thing that drives me nuts is that she is so subtle in her requests. Just a glance is needed and I'm her like Oprah on a new age jerk off.
Which reminds me of the dead skunk I drove over. I looked back but there was no stench...until. It was like hitting a wall. Whew! I could feel it entering my pores; my throat, my soul.
It reminded me of the time when Peter farted. It was the single most lethal smell in the history of mankind. It was toxic to the point we feared for his health. You saw it form and gather strength right before your eyes and you could do nothing about it.
I don't think Peter would be too pleased about me talking about this now that he's some fucking big shot in foreign affairs. Sometimes, when I'm annoyed, I send him a letter reminding of that day when we were 17.
He writes back filled with anger and telling me to get a life.
Ha, ha.
I hate things that smell bad. I hate things that hurt my nose.
I stopped my car and did a U-ee and headed for the skunk with a sense of purpose. In the middle of traffic I calmly walked to the skunk and bashed it some more.
"Take that you sonofabitch!"
Onlookers were unsure how to react.
I broke out into "Singin' in the rain."
Gene Kelley had so much style and grace.
I looked back at the skunk. Hopped in my car and looked forward to calling Isabella.
By Beaker
Today. Earlier. I was driving in traffic. There were cars in front of me in the lane. They were all driving slowly in rush hour. "Drive faster assholes!" I yelled at my dashboard.
I wished to Vishnu they heard me. But they didn't because they're stupid. And even if they did I can just imagine what they would say in that whiny, tight ass tone, "next time leave earlier for work and you wouldn't be in such a rush."
"Yeah well that piece of shit that was lodged in my ass took 10 minutes longer to come out. You can't account for that in the morning."
I also thought about how I wanted to fuck my neighbour in the ass. Been there, done that I know but... Her husband ignores her. She's a docile and decent enough lady. She deserves to be squirted on every once in a while and she loves it. For a 48-year old lady she's ok looking. She loves to keep jewelry on when she engages in such activities and I must profess it's sexy.
Even though she ignores me when she sees me taking out the garbage our forbidden love is getting freakier by the day. She is into the DP thing now - outside. And the thing that drives me nuts is that she is so subtle in her requests. Just a glance is needed and I'm her like Oprah on a new age jerk off.
Which reminds me of the dead skunk I drove over. I looked back but there was no stench...until. It was like hitting a wall. Whew! I could feel it entering my pores; my throat, my soul.
It reminded me of the time when Peter farted. It was the single most lethal smell in the history of mankind. It was toxic to the point we feared for his health. You saw it form and gather strength right before your eyes and you could do nothing about it.
I don't think Peter would be too pleased about me talking about this now that he's some fucking big shot in foreign affairs. Sometimes, when I'm annoyed, I send him a letter reminding of that day when we were 17.
He writes back filled with anger and telling me to get a life.
Ha, ha.
I hate things that smell bad. I hate things that hurt my nose.
I stopped my car and did a U-ee and headed for the skunk with a sense of purpose. In the middle of traffic I calmly walked to the skunk and bashed it some more.
"Take that you sonofabitch!"
Onlookers were unsure how to react.
I broke out into "Singin' in the rain."
Gene Kelley had so much style and grace.
I looked back at the skunk. Hopped in my car and looked forward to calling Isabella.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saving Sports And Ourselves Is Taken Seriously By The NHL
Goiters -
This just in! On the heels of a wonderfully paritized NHL season, the big taco's who run the league have decided to make it even more egalitarian.
"If this keeps up we'll end up with one big team! So we've proposed to have rotating champions. That way everyone wins!" league spinspokesman Harry Gambleman told Moon Zuppa.
Gambleman walks with a noticeable limp. He also sniffs his fingers a lot.
"It all makes sense. It's awesome not knowing who will beat who but everyone always has a chance to win the Cup. So why not bring more fairness to the whole process? Who wants to see well-managed, outstanding teams dominate weak, inefficient ones? We need to help the stupid and irresponsible. Force the good ones to come down a notch. Who needs true competition? The way I see it, they give out ribbons and trophies to 5th place finishers now. I know because my kid got one the other day. His teacher said he's just as good as the 1st place guy who also won the same ribbon. Didn't matter one iota that Jeremy has no arms." some drunk journalist slurred to us.
Whatever.
Moon Zuppa applauds such a noble idea. The world has gone awry because of our excessive chase for the pursuit of excellence. Excellence is a myth. Best to control and determine the future by taxing the good. In this way, we prevent low-self-esteem, depression by artificially increasing self-worth. Poverty will be eradicated and global warming will be a thing of the past. The polar bears will stay where they belong in the Arctic and the seal hunt will be stopped.
It's all for the better.
So who will be next year's champion?
"Well, we're not going to spoil everything. We do want to keep some suspense," Goobleman said with a disturbing and nervous smirk.
MZuPPa can't wait for the Vegas odds.
This just in! On the heels of a wonderfully paritized NHL season, the big taco's who run the league have decided to make it even more egalitarian.
"If this keeps up we'll end up with one big team! So we've proposed to have rotating champions. That way everyone wins!" league spinspokesman Harry Gambleman told Moon Zuppa.
Gambleman walks with a noticeable limp. He also sniffs his fingers a lot.
"It all makes sense. It's awesome not knowing who will beat who but everyone always has a chance to win the Cup. So why not bring more fairness to the whole process? Who wants to see well-managed, outstanding teams dominate weak, inefficient ones? We need to help the stupid and irresponsible. Force the good ones to come down a notch. Who needs true competition? The way I see it, they give out ribbons and trophies to 5th place finishers now. I know because my kid got one the other day. His teacher said he's just as good as the 1st place guy who also won the same ribbon. Didn't matter one iota that Jeremy has no arms." some drunk journalist slurred to us.
Whatever.
Moon Zuppa applauds such a noble idea. The world has gone awry because of our excessive chase for the pursuit of excellence. Excellence is a myth. Best to control and determine the future by taxing the good. In this way, we prevent low-self-esteem, depression by artificially increasing self-worth. Poverty will be eradicated and global warming will be a thing of the past. The polar bears will stay where they belong in the Arctic and the seal hunt will be stopped.
It's all for the better.
So who will be next year's champion?
"Well, we're not going to spoil everything. We do want to keep some suspense," Goobleman said with a disturbing and nervous smirk.
MZuPPa can't wait for the Vegas odds.
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