Government To Assign NDP Representative Per Household

Disassociated Press -

Somewhere in rural Northern Ontario where the snow refuses to cooperate with the sun -

Hi. Moon Zuppa is reporting (and we use the term loosely) the government is preparing to introduce legislation for "personal long-term planning" through sensitive but resistant documentation we obtained from an outside source in Kanata (just outside Ottawa.)

"This can no longer go on. Canadians need our help," an NDP spokesalien and close associate to Jack Layton named Froluck told us. "It's simple. We've consulted with other non-elected bodies and organizations and decided to conspire a plan to ensure every Canadian is safe." From what Canadians need to be fearful of exactly wasn't disclosed or explained. Froluck added, "Jackie, who is searching for the philosopher's stone in Southern France, would be so fucken' proud of us."

The Liberals, who were holding their annual tupperware party in Arizona, are on board with the plan. "Look, the party stinks right now. We'll approve anything," explained one of Justin Trudeau's flunkies. He continued, "We don't know much but we do know that interventionism is better than laissez-faire capitalism." When pressed to explain what he meant, he answered "Leave me alone."

Moon Zuppa went after the man behind the fiendish scam: Bradford Jefferson IX. "We think the cost of the plan will run into the billions. But we think it's worth it." When suggested this was irresponsible utopian socialist murky mumbo-jumbo all paid by the taxpayers, Mr. Jefferson said, "If taking care of your fellow man is communistic then I'm guilty as charged! You people make me sick. You really need to be more progressive. You see, us Liberals are extremely progressive."

And what is the proposal? Here's an excerpt from a speech given by Mr. Jefferson to the Canadian Kennel Club:

"Thank you. Woof, woof! When people ask me what my passion is, I always tell them it's about liberty; controlled liberty. There's nothing more progressive. But that's just the shell. It needs to be filled with cheese and meat so to speak. It's all about long-term planning. Getting to the root of things. Offering solutions. Being progressive by pretending to both prevent and predict problems. It's about converting our values into practical and favorable action. It's about belief systems. Crescent roles and all the wholesome feelings it conjures up. It's also about the environment and personal health and hygiene. We want to ensure all of these are in every Canadian household. The only way to do this is to build an army of NDP robots to enter every home in this free land. We feel this an appropriate response to achieve our goals. 67% of Canadians voted for us so Harper better shut his stupid cocky face and go with it. He know nothing about democracy and freedom. But we do!"

Yeah.

Right.