Local "Eat good you brain burnt bastards and bitches" chapter calls for healthy Halloween

Disassociated Press

2007 wasn't supposed to end this way. No sir-ree bobby. It was to end with colorful flowers and a bucket full of buckwheat and soy.

The EGBBBB are a well-meaning organization seeking to make sure we all become what we eat. "We failed to alert and excite the media," explained EGBBBB's part-time communications coordinator Mable McMurphyphy.

It seems the EGBBBB was interested in ridding Halloween of candy and this did not go down so well with local citizens.

"Those people are mental. They came to my house and asked me what I was planning to hand out as candy. When I told them I was handing out, well, fucking candy, they suggested I replace chips for Yop. What the fuck is Yop?" Eric Leif told Moon Zuppa.

EGBBBB'S President Joanie Labellebelle isn't surprised the EGBBBB is meeting resistance. "People are stupid. They are ignorant. They need to be educated. Once they are educated they can be empowered and with power comes greed and lust. We feel that greed and lust filled with sugar is a sinister mix. Why not be powerful hooked on wheat grass and wheat germ?"

So the answer is to free Halloween from candy?

"Absolutely," she continued. "Instead of filling bags with junk that will lead to all sorts of diseases and deformities why not just bake a low fat, gluten free, wheat based muffin with dried dates and hand those out? I mean, what's so hard to figure out?"

Maybe because kids love candy and that the point of Halloween is to have fun?

"Pish posh. We can all learn to have fun with flax seed and kamut. Quite frankly I am growing uncomfortable with Mune Suppa's tone."

Yeah. We get like that. We like to make noises during an interview.

Anyway, we wish EGBBBB the best of luck. They seem to have it all together in the head.

Don't forget, organic chicken broth is on sale at your local grocery store!

Lala Lulu contributed to this piece.