A white man - did we mention he was white and privileged? - entered a McDonald wearing a 'Trump makes my dick hard' t-shirt screaming 'Where's my KKK burger, nigger!' while waving what appears to be an assault pistol in the colours of the Russian flag.
'I was shocked' said Malea Hamburgur who took the man's order. 'Not about being called a nigger but that he didn't address me in the proper pronoun because I identify as transgender.'
An eyewitness claimed the man also demanded, 'Hey faggot. Yeah you. Bring me an apple pie.' 'It was quite traumatic' explained Kimmy LeVos. She added, 'Apple pie at this time of day? Who does that but extreme libertarians?'
Details are sketchy and we can't be sure so we don't want anyone jumping to conclusions but the man's name is Kerry Hazelwood III and he's likely from any number of states not Democrat and definitely not from Massachusetts or California because those states are educated and loved Obama.
One thing is for sure, is there no end to the evil's of Trump's Amerikkka?
The pant shitting around the English language by the PQ and its xenophobic and fan base continues. In an effort to make sure he's not soft on having a bad ass stance against Englis new leader Jean Francois Lisee has called for Apple to change its name to respect Quebec clients. Armed with Huggies wipes, here's part of his speech.
'It's only good for business and shows respect. It's not like we're asking them to change fruit or logo. We're just asking them to use Pomme instead. It's very confusing for our little population who are constantly being misled. The other day I received a letter from a little pas - Ti Jean - who wondered why English-Canada was sooo bad towards him. It touched me deep down to see so many of our kids be hurt by the thoughtlessness of greedy American capitalism and the lackey's who support them in English Canada. I responded to Ti Jean and promised him I'd deal with it. Another letter came from Ma Tante La Bouffe who happened upon a Dairy Queen hoping to find sellers of miniature cow dildos and milk. She was quite upset when she found an ice-cream shop! This is not the only story I have heard. Across the province Quebecers are being fooled by misleading store front signs and it has to stop. This is why we're calling on all these corporations that during their board room meetings they consider our sensibilities. Are we not customers too? Also, we will be looking to ban the term 'bon week-end'. We feel too much English is creeping into our dialect interpretation of the French language.
In a dark, damp dungeon deep under the Bloomberg building, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (aka Mother Hen, Nanny Mikey) fresh off being laughed at for his failed attempt to tax sugary sodas is not giving up. He gets up from his synthesizer and downs a pack of sugar, 'Maybe I wasn't audacious enough. I mean, the health of people is at stake here and I really think I'm the guy to get it done" he told me. "It's all sciency. Even Bill Nye the engineer is on board. If there's one thing engineers with bow ties know it's diet and dietician things!"
He sat back down on his synthesizer and began playing morbid notes and added, "You see, people don't know how to vote in their interest, They also don't understand the art of compromise. I think we should ban sodas but I'm reasonable so I don't see why a tax is such a big deal. I'm willing to pay it and so should you."
When asked if the potential for such a tax will only create a black market or disproportionately impact low-income people he asserted, "Look, aside from your rabid racism, nothing is perfect but we have a serious fattese problem" Fattese, he explained to me, was his substitute for obsese which he felt was descriptive enough and losing its panache; its cache. "Sorta like how the geniuses had to change global warming to climate change thanks to Mother Nature's natural tendency to be a bitch. Anyway, we have a long history of putting poor people on the right track.'
He then took pride in explaining a song he was working on. He put on a mask. "It helps me think." He paused and continued. "Billy Joe wrote 'New York State of Mind'. A song I love so. I wanted to come up with one that captured New York but in a Bloombergian spirit. This is how I ended up with 'New York Statist Mind'.
And what exactly was the state of a New Yorker's mind?
"Oh really?" a token random person I quoted to give appearance of balance said. "Dude is nuts. New York killed a man to death by a murderous choke hold selling loosies. LOOSIES! And now he advocates more stupid state legislation that will hurt us? Man."
But Bloomberg is having none of this pish-posh because he knows his mission is for the greater good. "It's for the benefit of all. Look, I enjoy a good Mountain Mist as much as the ne..." Mr. Bloomberg is interrupted by someone speaking in his earpiece. He suddenly blurted, "What's a Mountain Dew?"
He adjusts his mask. "Look, all I'm saying is this is important. It's crucial to my dream of taxing fun foods. The other day I was watching a baseball game on TV and saw a kid eating cotton candy. COTTON CANDY! Could you believe it? In 2016! I was perplexed and flabbergasted. Don't his parents know what that does to teeth? He wasn't obese, in fact he looked to be healthy but his parents were being negligent in making an fattese out of him. So cotton candy is next on my list. This is why I do it. I fight for kids like that. Come to think of it, we should imprison parents who buy junk food!"
Bloomberg closed the interview candidly by saying, "Did you know New York never sleeps? It's true. All that sugar. Did you also know I tried to change that by tabling the 'Sleep Well New York' act? It didn't go far but my plan was to have all New Yorkers in bed by 11pm. A good city is a healthy city that sleeps. It coulda worked if I were reelected. New Yorkers have a long history of supporting paternalistic and progressive policies."
I laughed in his face and could not stop even as I was escorted out his lair where he incubates - among other things I reckon - his madness.
"This is nuts. I mean, I know this country is radically crazy about its guns but to carve out state boundaries that resemble guns is just inappropriate - and wrong. This is why we're calling on the Federal government to suspend Idaho and Florida for looking like guns. The danger it poses to people inside those states is too great for us to ignore."
Gun-control activist Palma Retardino.
"Flip the state 45 degrees to the right. Look at what you get! And if Florida doesn't spook you out I don't know what will. I support the measure to blow these states up."
"When I die I expect to be treated equally" asserts Jeroy La Simontisha in front of Crappy's Crematorium Bonanza. Mr. La whatever is concerned black people and other minorities are being discriminated against because of high burial costs. "We're disadvantaged and dead on arrival because of racist cemeteries and don't you get me going on those coffins." In response to our question of if it's a person's duty and responsibility to save money through proper planning for retirement and death he replied, 'That's just white privilege Koch brothers greed talk. What part of we're screwed from day one because the system is rigged don't you get'?
He continued, "We need for Obama to give us a subsidy to help us folks out! But he won't do nothing because Democrats are weak and Republicans evil."
It had been a long fifteen minutes for Jeroy as he sipped cappuccino. Finally satisfied with his point, he hopped into his Maserati and sped off into the soft autumn day.
Moon Zuppa was deep in Somali pirate territory and gained intimate information and knowledge regarding the pain suffered through American cultural imperialism by Somali pirates. We met one, who goes by the name 'Kony' who asked to read his manifesto to us. We agreed.
"We demand the Americans change the name of the Pittsburgh Pirates immediately or suffer the consequences! We've been insulted long enough! Um, that is all."
After publishing this remarkable proclamation Ed Asner contacted us through Skype to impart his opinion.
"It is incumbent on us to pay attention to the impact our actions have on other cultures" said Ed Asner. "I mean, like, they chose the name 'Pirates' back in the days when we were ignorant. Like, dumb ignorant, you know? Like, 18th or 19th century stoopid."
When told The Age of Enlightenment and other philosophical and cultural movements that shaped the foundation of Western achievement were born in those centuries, Asner replied, "Yeah, off the backs of the poor people!
Out of nowhere, Bill Maher came in the picture and chimed in. "You must be some sort of libbertarian. Who don't you move to your precious libbertarian paradise in Somaliland!"
We asked Kony under what circumstances they would accept the name Pirates. "Yes. If they win more titles. We're watching."
Artists who helped propel a liberal-progressive-tyrant into power are now ruing the day did so. Moon Zuppa has learned Bebe Lee who rode his "Coercive Compassion is Compassion" campaign to power largely thanks to a caravan of artists who supported him has arrested each of them and it has been reported plans to execute them.
Details are sketchy at the moment but one insider has revealed "useful idiots are good for some of the time but not all of the time since they can easily start to write music against your power. Mr. Lee must think of the children and urges people to respect the democratic process."
Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."
Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science.
"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I
read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of
meals to water."
When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"
Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?
But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."
The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."