Amnesty Launches Lawsuit Against Occupy Wall Street

Disassociated Press -
Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.

"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"

Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"

The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.

We signed up!

We'll let you know!

TSA Changes Name To Tits' N Asses

Disassociated Press

"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."

So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.

***

Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.

"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"

"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."

Homeland Security Moves To Ban Box Cutters

The announcement has led Home Depot, Lowe's, Reno, Ro-Na and Home Hardware to band together under the banner, "Box Cutters don't commit crimes, but they hurt when they cut you."

Mouse Overcame Prejudice And Mental Disabilities With Courage

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Bloomington - The world's greatest labrynth moused history has died. Cousin Ritzputtle (seen right), semi-retarded and always hungry for cheese, was killed when the hamster wheel in his luxurious Thai-inspired cage fell off and cut his blessed little head. "No one could sniff through a maze like C.R. could," head janitor Antonio Ypres told Moon Zuppa.

According to witnesses, there was blood everywhere. Sources say ants were thrown in to clean up the decomposing mess. It's what L'il Cousin would have wanted.

"Despite his retardation, he had the mind of a GPS. In fact, we have contacted the makers of GPS and offered his brain for experimentation. So far there are no takers but we're confident there will be," head lab guy Mike Petrodiezel explained. "It's a huge loss. To large to bear I'm afraid. Worse than when I lost my mother. it's tough. You know? Rough."

"Ritzy was once clocked at completing his maze run in under a minute. I don't know how good that is but we felt it was a-maze-in. Watching him run around with that little helmet brough joy to us all, " fellow head vice lab person Mills Diatrib recounted with nostalgia.

Moon Zuppa doesn't like rodents and as far as we're concerned one less of these morons eating our cheese the better. Mind you, we're lactose intolerant. But you get our point! Cheese is for humans!

Prime President Obama Plans Military Invasion Of Insurance Companies

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President Obama has just announced a military take over of all insurance company operations across the land. "I've had it with these cocksuckers. Even though our bill does nothing to fix any problems and will cost a mint to operate, I still think the insurance industry is at the root of all our medical evils. So I alone decided it was time to bring back the draft and destroy them by military force. I didn't want it to come to this but they left me no choice. Bang, bang! By the way, it won't cost a dime to do this. We're just going to take the money from, erm, yeah, the education department that way it will be deficit-neutral. Long live Sycacuse!"

No time table was given about when this armed attack will take place but Press Secretary Robert Gibbs - still wearing a Team Canada hockey jersey, "I love maple leafs. It soothes me. I love when they get crisp and I crack them." - said the government is using the insurance industry as a rough draft for attacking "those moronians from I-ran."

There you have it. Moon Zuppa will be on this story like a porn star on a cock. We promise.

President Obama To Stop Being A Professor

"I think I'm getting the hang of this "president" thing," was how he put it. "It's tough though," he said while chuckling, "I keep looking for my chalk when I'm up there speaking; especially when my sleeves are rolled."

He also added. "I think I'm gonna make like Bat-Man and work behind the scenes rather than get in people's faces."

You do that, Mr. President.

Spoon Wielding Chick Faces Charges

Moon Zuppa received this disturbing 911 call. Please. If you're children are still fucking swear virgins, tuck them away.

911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!

ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.

Alarm smashed.

911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!

Laughter in background.

911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!

This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.

However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."

Poor guy.

Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.

Sucking Cocks For Haiti

Disassociated Press- 

On the heels of George Clooney hosting a star-studded telethon to raise funds to help Haiti, porn stars have bonded together to do their part. "We're sucking cocks for Haiti," Monica Sweetheart told a dick hardened Moon Zuppa rookie reporter named "Phil." Sweetheart, and she sure is, put in a call to a few of her slut bunnies including Claudia Rossi and Eva Angelina after seeing the devastation on the news. "I was working and the scene was fucking from behind so I had a good view of the TV. I couldn't believe what I saw. Once the load finished dripping on me, I decided to do something about it."

What a gal. We need more porn stars like her. For every cock sucked, $1 dollar will be sent to the local Red Cross. And how do they feel about it? "Hey, at this point, the more the merrier. Like an orgy, you know?" explained one aid worker. Another chimed in. "Look, roughly 80% of the cash gets skimmed anyway so when we say we need, say, $100 000, it really means $180 000. It's nice that all segments of the population are coming through to help make up for the corruption."

"I don't think about stuff like that," Sweetheart, and she sure is, said. "If I do, it can really get in the way. I just want to get to as many penises as I can. I may even have a whole new career on my hand. Imagine that. A humanitarian whore! Wow. I, mean, it'll totally mainstream porn once and for all."

And soon they'll be winning Oscars.

Porn Stars For Haiti estimate they'll raise about $201.78.

We don't know how they calculated the .78 cents.