"This is nuts. I mean, I know this country is radically crazy about its guns but to carve out state boundaries that resemble guns is just inappropriate - and wrong. This is why we're calling on the Federal government to suspend Idaho and Florida for looking like guns. The danger it poses to people inside those states is too great for us to ignore."
Gun-control activist Palma Retardino.
"Flip the state 45 degrees to the right. Look at what you get! And if Florida doesn't spook you out I don't know what will. I support the measure to blow these states up."
"When I die I expect to be treated equally" asserts Jeroy La Simontisha in front of Crappy's Crematorium Bonanza. Mr. La whatever is concerned black people and other minorities are being discriminated against because of high burial costs. "We're disadvantaged and dead on arrival because of racist cemeteries and don't you get me going on those coffins." In response to our question of if it's a person's duty and responsibility to save money through proper planning for retirement and death he replied, 'That's just white privilege Koch brothers greed talk. What part of we're screwed from day one because the system is rigged don't you get'?
He continued, "We need for Obama to give us a subsidy to help us folks out! But he won't do nothing because Democrats are weak and Republicans evil."
It had been a long fifteen minutes for Jeroy as he sipped cappuccino. Finally satisfied with his point, he hopped into his Maserati and sped off into the soft autumn day.
Moon Zuppa was deep in Somali pirate territory and gained intimate information and knowledge regarding the pain suffered through American cultural imperialism by Somali pirates. We met one, who goes by the name 'Kony' who asked to read his manifesto to us. We agreed.
"We demand the Americans change the name of the Pittsburgh Pirates immediately or suffer the consequences! We've been insulted long enough! Um, that is all."
After publishing this remarkable proclamation Ed Asner contacted us through Skype to impart his opinion.
"It is incumbent on us to pay attention to the impact our actions have on other cultures" said Ed Asner. "I mean, like, they chose the name 'Pirates' back in the days when we were ignorant. Like, dumb ignorant, you know? Like, 18th or 19th century stoopid."
When told The Age of Enlightenment and other philosophical and cultural movements that shaped the foundation of Western achievement were born in those centuries, Asner replied, "Yeah, off the backs of the poor people!
Out of nowhere, Bill Maher came in the picture and chimed in. "You must be some sort of libbertarian. Who don't you move to your precious libbertarian paradise in Somaliland!"
We asked Kony under what circumstances they would accept the name Pirates. "Yes. If they win more titles. We're watching."
Artists who helped propel a liberal-progressive-tyrant into power are now ruing the day did so. Moon Zuppa has learned Bebe Lee who rode his "Coercive Compassion is Compassion" campaign to power largely thanks to a caravan of artists who supported him has arrested each of them and it has been reported plans to execute them.
Details are sketchy at the moment but one insider has revealed "useful idiots are good for some of the time but not all of the time since they can easily start to write music against your power. Mr. Lee must think of the children and urges people to respect the democratic process."
Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."
Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science.
"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I
read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of
meals to water."
When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"
Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?
But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."
The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."
Disassociated Press -
Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.
"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"
Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"
The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.
"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."
So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.
Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.
"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"
"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."