Name Changes Confuses Nationalists

Disassociated Press

Toronto- The Canadian Football League is considering a name change. "In order to enhance the league's branding power we've decided to call ourselves the American Football League," Commissioner Tom Wright intimately confided to Moon Zuppa as he purchased Pepto-Bismal at Wal-Mart. "Season ticket sales jumped two-fold since we announced the plan. Toronto thinks they are getting an NFL team. We hoodwinked them."

The CFL has lived a precarious existence for several decades. It was a fun league. A quiet league. A league that has seen both greater and sadder times. Like when Dudley was 'touched' by Mr. Carlson on Diff'rent Strokes.

Predictably, fans were upset at the change, "Damn Yankees! They are ruining our lives! I can't take shit anymore without them staring at me," said one Northern Manitoba (we think) man. As the opposition mounted - Moon Zuppa counted 16 people at one point - during the day officials jumped into action.

The new American representative swiftly stepped forward. "Free bus passes for one-month to any Tim Horton's in the Regina area!" A mad scramble ensued. "Maybe this won't be such a bad league after all," a person draped in Canadian flag said kissing the coupons. And what about the flag? "Um, yeah. I wear it for the red contours that match my hair, eh?"

Sure you do.

Not to be outdone Canadian Tire is also mulling over a name change to entice and attract investors. The proposal would be to change its name to 'American Tire.'