Letters to MoOn zUpPa

And some bad holesome advice.

Dear Moon Zuppa,

This is CAIR demanding preemtpive action by apologizing in advance for any mean comments made towards Islam or we will kill you. Kidding. Also, please make your Pope apologize. All we want is to be loved.

Anonymous (Like we didn't know)

Moon Zuppa answers: Um, we apologize that you feel that way. As you know we are secular Christians already heading to hell so there is little we can do. However, we just issued a fatwah demanding that all people bend over and take it up the ass for any ill remarks made to you. All we can do is sit and wait. Thankfully, no one reads this site. Once again, we are truly and sincerely sorry that we treat you badly. Really. Sorry. We don't know what else to say. So we'll stop here. Ok? Bye. Sorry.

Dear Mr. Zuppa,

My mother says you are not a real news site. She also says you're a bunch of immature babies. Is she a bitch?

Ricky in Idaho

Ricky, first of all who's Mr. Zuppa? Are you stupid? And second, yes. Your mother is a bitch. Please send sweet potato pie.

Dear Zuppa,

Not a day doesn't go by where I don't lament Americans and capitalism. What should I do? I can't even take bubble baths in peace anymore. I'm going crazy. I'm lost without my Nazi handbook.

Gunter Grass

Gunter, in our collective numbness Moon Zuppa feels for you. But there's nothing we can do for you. You see, you are crazy. You are mentally an idiot. We can offer you a special bubble bath made with spruce and ragweed. And it's MOON ZUPPA jerk.

Deer Monn Zupa,

Um, Im like todaly hot and luv to suk Ben an' Jerry's isecreem. I wood like to spel bedder.

Signed Maureen's mother Mrs. Epstein-Dowd.

Maureen, you're in luck. Moon Zuppa now offers writing courses given by the Institute of Better Writing for Journalists who have no business having the power they hold. Even though we feel you have deeper problems. We trust you will find it insightful and scary. It only costs $5! Now, stop harrassing us.