Special Report: Superfriends Sex Scandal Rudely Rocks Regressive Hall of Justice

Wild parties, drugs and orgies. Things you see at your neighbour's house you say? The old Saturday Night Live cast? At Bill and Hilary Clinton's third home? Try the Hall of Justice. New raw, red-hot, revelations close to our sources' sources have revealed the truth behind the walls of the HOJ. "Aquaman was the first to speak out," one aspiring super-hero in training who wished to remain anonymous said. "I myself often saw Wonder Woman sneaking from room to room with nothing but her top and lasso hanging out of her ass."

"These accusations are simply untrue," a spinster for the Hall said. "We flatly deny these mean spirited allegations. We don't know who started them but we have our suspicions." When we pushed her for more information she intimated "evil Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Superman and Mossad were possibly behind this."

The two hip but hoary heroes at the center of the controversy are the Halls two greatest gurus - Superman and Batman. They are thought to be the ones who organized the decadent parties modeled on Roman orgies like the ones Caligula and Nero gave.

"They're all whores. They all want to sleep their way to the top. Just like any VP or Hollywood actress. Batty and Soopy knew this. If you wanted in you had to put out. No big deal. I did it all the time," Rima the Jungle Girl confided in a soft, hush tone. "But I knew things were getting out of hand when they invited Giganta to partake. She's just too big," she sighed.

Batman and Superman could not be reached for comment. However Robin - Batman's beloved bitch - did comment. "I don't know what Aquaman's angle is. I really don't. He's been complaining that he hasn't had enough assignments lately and that he's fed up of the 'sleeping and swimming with the fishes' jokes. But the reality is that only 15% of our cases happen in water. He's useless otherwise."

While searching for his ring, Green Lantern for his part is convinced that any of Brainiac, Solomon Grundy, Lex Luthor or Mr. Mxyzptlk are behind the rumours. He said there was no truth to the rumour of him changing his name to Fuscia Lantern.

A police spokesperson told reporters, "indeed, everyone has their own theory but we'll only get to the truth once we get in the HOJ."

One of the more bizarre charges is the one involving six screwy shlepps - Wendy, Harris, Wonderdog, Zan, Jayna (aka the Wonder Twins) and Gleek. "It seems that they were a target of cruel perpetual hazing," Police Chief Ed Maroon told Moon Zuppa. "Many times they were told they would take on a big case only to find out they had to do laundry or go pick up pizza."

How this will affect the HOJ is yet to be seen. President Bush is preparing to address the nation tonight. The State Department did say that America's (and Canada's) security will not be jeopardized too much. "The Hall of Justice is committed to killing every rat terrorist alive. Green Lantern and Green Arrow are on their way to South Lebanon as we speak."

Later on that day, Moon Zuppa reached Spider-Man, The Thing and Captain America at a local bar they frequent. "It's a damn shame," Captain America said. "I have to go blog about this." The Thing added, "Me mad! Me want hard banana." As for Spider-Man all he would say is that it's been years he felt the HOJ needed to be purged of its vices and restructured. "That's what power and fame does I guess."

The reaction on the streets is one of shock and dismay. "Gosh, the HOJ was the only institution worth cumming on. Now they're just like the UN. What a shame," one citizen lamented.

Yes, but how do we get invited?