The One and Only Rudy Klujiak: An Interview

Rudy Klujiak has a dream and Moon Zuppa found it to be a wonderful dream. Without dreams we are bewildered, pitiful monsters roaming the earth aimlessly in search of blackberries and nuclear weapons. If you don't have a dream you may as well wear a diaper on your head to contain all the brain shit that will ooze out.

Moon Zuppa: "Mr. Klujiak..."

Klujiak: "Please. Rudy. But you can call me Rud.

MZuppa: "Ok. What is the origin of your name?"

Klujiak: "My parents gave it to me, eh. They at first wanted to name me Seed because I looked like one, you see, but they settled on Rudy."

MZUppa: "We meant your heritage."

Klujiak: "I'm Inuit. But you may know us as 'Eskimo' since you are all racists toward my people, eh."

MZuppa: "We race alright. So, tell us about your dream."

Klujiak: "Which one? I have so many."

MZuppa: "The one you contacted us about."

Klujiak: "The one about making love to Oprah like a walrus on the sexual prowl?"

MZuppa: "Hmm. Interesting. Tell us more."

Klujiak: "Well, I have this reoccuring dream where I bang the living hell out of Oprah on her couch with my totem pole, eh. You know, the ones on her set? Not only that. Women from the audience join in too. But the plot has a sinister twist to it."

MZuppa: "What's that?"

Klujiak: "I don't know if I should say this. Aren't children reading?"

MZuppa: "Possibly. Probably not Inuit children given their low literacy rates. We are affiliated with many schools through Scholastics across the country. But hey...kids will have to learn sooner or later, eh?"

Klujiak: "I guess. It seems I unload so much cum on her that she suffocates from the sheer weight of the gooey magic, eh."

MZuppa: "Wow. You may as well tell us about your plan to rank people."

Klujiak: "Sure. My dream is to rank all the people on earth according to their height."

MZuppa: "Interesting. Ambitious?"

Klujiak: "Yes. There are many, many people on the planet and not all have telephones but I think, with the help of my ancestors, I can pull it off."

MZuppa: "You'll travel the world?"

Klujiak: "With my kayak. I must first figure out what to do in the event of more than one person having the same height. I'm sure that will happen.....eh"

MZuppa: "Indeed it will. So why this dream? Why now?"

Klujiak: "Gosh, you know, um like everyone is doing something these days so I figured I may, you know, as well, um, do something. Everyone is always ranking countries. But no one ever thought to do it for people. I don't give a damn about countries. There is so much antler carving one can do. Now is as good a time as any. Everyone is fascinated by it. Peter Mansbridge hasn't stopped leaving me messages to do an interview. I told him if he can eat seal blood pudding without gaggin I'll do it. Great guy that Pete. The View too have been coming after me. I'd like to give them a room with a view to my...."

MZuppa" "Any other dreams in the works?"

Klujiak: "Actually, I want to rank the countries who go to the bathroom the most."

MZuppa: "Sounds like fun. Good Luck, Mr. Klu..er, Rud."

Klujiak: "You remembered! Want to be my best friend?"