Lacrosse Apparel Hit New Highs in Popularity

Disassociated Press

Ottawa - "It's amazing what a scandal can do for sales," Jake Pappy CEO of Buried Sports told Moon Zuppa. "To be frank, we're a tiny niche sport and we rely on stories like the one in Duke." Not to be outdone, barely accredited schools across North America are opening strip joints on lacrosse fields to entice and induce students into supporting their programs. For example, organizers at Larvard are hoping to attract top flight skanks into their fold. "Hey, we gotta keep up or we'll be blown away. Funding has been scant recently." As for Canada, Parliament is pushing hard to remind Canadians that lacrosse is part of the Canadian sports fabric. "Not many people realize this but lacrosse is Canada's official sport. Sure we would have prefer different circumstances to increase the profile of our sport - as pure as the beaver, loon and caribou - but I'm sure those boys learned a lesson," one nomadic MP was quoted as saying. As for any shifty advice for future high strung lacrosse athletes fornicating with morally lesser beings? "Make sure that the bruises were there before you do anything by taking pictures with a digital camera. And for cripe sakes it's a stick meant for athletic purposes, lads!" Warped sound advice indeed.