Man Goes On Shooting Rampage; Says It Was A Joke

"Gilbert Arenas is a poser." So was the first sentence uttered by Mack "Little' du Vent in an exclusive interview with Moon Zuppa one day after his infamous shooting spree that left three squirrels injured. "I hear one of them lost his hand. Do squirrels have hands?" We weren't sure.

du Vent was, the story goes, upset about something but we couldn't find out. Mediocre journalist we are. "They say for a war to be just it must adhere to certain principles as set by jus ad bellum lest the war be illegal. I feel I was under attack. I had no choice. Squirrels are schemers."

Interesting thought. Although we're not sure why the Jews have to be involved.

The detective assigned to the case, Davey Lewisvilleberg, believes this was a random act of violence. "To be honest, we didn't really grasp all that adbelloom stuff. All I know is there are three squirrels wondering what the fuck happened. I wouldn't want to be their families right now. Have you ever looked a squirrel in the eye to tell them they lost a loved one? I have. It's no fun, man."

Mr. du Vent, despite his legal posturing, claims it was all just a joke. "People don't get me."

He will be arraigned next week. As for the squirrels, they're going nuts for the truth.