Winning Over Yellow Lungs And Polluted Minds With Organic Cigarettes

Disassociated Press -

Virginia - In a crowded smoke-infested room stands Simon LeLemonnet. A person walks up to him, "Cigarette?" "I don't smoke that shit," he replies. In a world of contradiction, LeLemonnet is a walking contradiction onto himself. You see and we write here, he's the CEO of Tobacco Road Industries.

"I recently took us into the kamut and whole grain business," he proudly tells Moon Zuppa as he sips blueberry juice before going on stage to address the crowd assembled for his press conference

The cigarette industry is under constant fire now. Once alone in the world of pouncing on vices, they're in competition with social zealots who seek a monopoly on virtue.

From the podium, LeLemonnet opens with an admission of guilt. "Ok. I admit it. Mea culpa. Cigaretters are addictive. Just like Doritos and Coke." Then he shouts, "But these do-gooders...We're cut from the same chord we shall die arm in arm like King Arthur and Mordred!"

He composes himself and takes a sip of his juice and looks at the bottle. "Ahh, so refreshing!" The he stares into the crowd, "and healthy! That's why I'm introducing the world's first organic cigarette with Omega-3!" He then throws the bottle to the ground and makes an air-guitar lick move.

Crowd stands up and cheers.

Except for one shadowy figure. Yours truly.