Of Skunks and Skanks

Moon Zuppa Opinion Page:

By Beaker

Today. Earlier. I was driving in traffic. There were cars in front of me in the lane. They were all driving slowly in rush hour. "Drive faster assholes!" I yelled at my dashboard.

I wished to Vishnu they heard me. But they didn't because they're stupid. And even if they did I can just imagine what they would say in that whiny, tight ass tone, "next time leave earlier for work and you wouldn't be in such a rush."

"Yeah well that piece of shit that was lodged in my ass took 10 minutes longer to come out. You can't account for that in the morning."

I also thought about how I wanted to fuck my neighbour in the ass. Been there, done that I know but... Her husband ignores her. She's a docile and decent enough lady. She deserves to be squirted on every once in a while and she loves it. For a 48-year old lady she's ok looking. She loves to keep jewelry on when she engages in such activities and I must profess it's sexy.

Even though she ignores me when she sees me taking out the garbage our forbidden love is getting freakier by the day. She is into the DP thing now - outside. And the thing that drives me nuts is that she is so subtle in her requests. Just a glance is needed and I'm her like Oprah on a new age jerk off.

Which reminds me of the dead skunk I drove over. I looked back but there was no stench...until. It was like hitting a wall. Whew! I could feel it entering my pores; my throat, my soul.

It reminded me of the time when Peter farted. It was the single most lethal smell in the history of mankind. It was toxic to the point we feared for his health. You saw it form and gather strength right before your eyes and you could do nothing about it.

I don't think Peter would be too pleased about me talking about this now that he's some fucking big shot in foreign affairs. Sometimes, when I'm annoyed, I send him a letter reminding of that day when we were 17.

He writes back filled with anger and telling me to get a life.

Ha, ha.

I hate things that smell bad. I hate things that hurt my nose.

I stopped my car and did a U-ee and headed for the skunk with a sense of purpose. In the middle of traffic I calmly walked to the skunk and bashed it some more.

"Take that you sonofabitch!"

Onlookers were unsure how to react.

I broke out into "Singin' in the rain."

Gene Kelley had so much style and grace.

I looked back at the skunk. Hopped in my car and looked forward to calling Isabella.