Baseball Attendance Will Increase

Disassociated Press -

In an unprecedented but smart move in sports one Major League Baseball club has sternly issued a warning to fans.

One opulent owner who chose to remain anonymous decreed the following recently. "I was reading the boxscore the other day and was frightened by the attendance figures. 35 496 fans came to my park. Four shy of a damn, bloody sell-out. I'm here to tell you I will tolerate this. In the future the people who have tickets but don't show up will be found and summarily dealt with. Let that be a lesson to you all. Sell out my stadium or die. My Purple Shirts* will roam the streets to ensure justice is served."

The flimsy clubs have fanatically cried foul since their attendance spreads are far higher. Club officials for one team - let's call them the Washington Nationals because this is a piece of fiction. Or is it? - are complaining that once again the big, rich clubs are having their way. "The rich keep getting richer and nastier. We can't possibly compete with them. How are supposed to find 24 315 people without revenue and police sharing?"

In other news, many things happened in sports. Please consult a sports website. There are many we hear.

*Purple Shirts are a collection of thugs recruited from diverse places. These include Al-Queda operatives who refused to fuck camels, NDP members who are disheartened that communism and socialism truly doesn't work, and former poor-performing McDonald's employees. The organization is growing leaps and bounds and will soon reach 22 people.