Man Goes on Rampage at Wellness Center

Disassociated Press -

Montreal - Details are sketchy but we do know that a man has gone on a stapler shooting spree. He's 45 and white (actually he's fat, retarded and black but our editors won't allow us to racial profile) and works at Relax Me Yoga Center. Witnesses say he 'just freaked.'

"He just freaked," the owner of the center explained to Moon Zuppa. "The ong namo dev something chant didn't work for him I suppose."

"It was a matter of time before he snapped. Everyone is so calm and docile around here. It's creepy," said one man to Moon Zuppa. Another interjected, "Yeah, there's so much of that 'Sounds of twigs and bark while hare's take a shit in Forest' music one can take."

More to come as we cover the story from a café from across the street.