"Our History"

History is usually written by the victorious. The losers are fed shit. But the tiny nation of Helvicta (so tiny it's not even on the map) has decided to face its history dead on. For the first time, the puny, useless nation that recently converted to democracy from the seigneur system is sending its ambassador on a tour of North America.

"Wow. So much greenery! We're not exactly known as brave warriors. In fact, we're probably the world's greatest clowns and cowards," Yully Guusspiper said through an interpreter on Parliament Hill.

Helvicta is an island that had the misfortune of being geographically placed in the middle of history. "Everyone invaded and raped our country. It was a truck stop for invading armies. We have almost nothing left. Only genetic remnants of other cultures."

Its defenses were always scant at best as mercenaries were relied upon to defend its beaches. "Mercenaries never really cared. We had no clue what was going on. It wasn't a good mix in hindsight. It reminds me of Canada and their steadfast belief that they don't need a military. How do they know if the Inuit or Cree won't attack?"

History wasn't kind to Helvicta. But with a new public dental plan in place and French being taught as a second military language, the country is ready to move on. "Once we ran to the hills to defend servitude, to preserve the ideology of indecisiveness and fragment a nation. Today, we remain as cowardly as ever and we want this to be remebered."

Zinadine Zidane has been asked to speak at tonight's ball. He has accepted. The topic will be about how to blame others for your cowardice.