Alec Baldwin Refutes Baldwin II Lineage

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales - Disassociated Press

According to sources rarely used by respectable news agencies, the real Alec Baldwin threatened to leave the United States during the last election not because of Bush but for more 'secretive' reasons. Many of Hollyburntwood's best and brightest sought to escape the shores of American theocracy for more decadent lands. The destination of choice has almost always been France. "Why is this? Everyone knows that Italy offers all-round better food," wondered conspiracy theorist and teacher's assistant Clive Weber. "It was the Italians who taught the French how to make puffy pastries and wine. So why would Hollywood's most beautiful narcissists want to go there?" Mr. Weber has a theory. "In the case of Alec Baldwin, it's because he wants to go learn more about Baldwin II, a French nobleman from the 12th century who wascalled the Crusader King of Jerusalem. "He makes up part of the myth of how the Templar Knights - and later Freemasons- originated. I think Alec wants to go to France for this reason. He probably believes he's a descendant." Does this mean Mr.Baldwin is interested in finding out the secrets held by the Masons? Probably. He's been quoted as saying that he deserves to know. It has been a source of 'irritation that the bastard queer Bush knows the secret.' It all sounds so fantastic but Mr. Weber assures that it isn't. "There's nothing surprising to me when it comes to actors. They believe in anything that is a fad." As for Mr. Baldwin himself he has not returned our calls. We did manage to get him to answer one of our several hundred calls to which he responded, "Who the fuck is Moon Zuppa? I'm looking for Tut's Penis in preparation for my trip, assholes."