Jesus Returns. Soon Leaves

"I'm outta here," were his parting words and just as quickly he was gone. This time on his own terms. The anticipated return of Jesus may have been long awaited among many, but it was a source of confusion and agnst for others. "Why did he choose to come back now? Something is fishy. I mean his wounds are perfectly healed," cautioned the leader of the Young Skeptics of America. "Elvis is the true king,' exclaimed another.

Moon Zuppa was on sight when Jesus appeared on the Trans-Canada Highway just outside of Regina. One reporter asked why he had chosen this spot, to which Jesus answered, "The aliens always land in the States. Why not give some exposure to Canada?" Almost immediately upon his arrival his presence was challenged by many. The French were wary of yet another potential world player who could threaten their precarious and waning position. The Jews were in full form as they claimed to have "seen all this before." Secularists demanded that he subvert his power to the state and human reason. Atheists chose to deny his existence despite being offered a DNA test. "We can't go along with that. It would mean redefining ourselves. Shit, I'm 44 years old. Who's got the energy?"

Hollywood stepped in, too. Tom Cruise spoke for the Scientology community at a press conference earlier. "I'm going to sue his 2 000 year-old butt. Jesus's teachings have long sinced been dismissed by the great and omnipotent Hubbard." Other Hollywood celebrities, who shall remain nameless, went as far as to claim that "Jesus is just a puppet of Dubya," and demanded that he stop lying to the people." "We do resent Jesus and his moralizing. It's not like he was able to convince the Romans to subdue their decadent sexual practices and indulgences" added another. "Will he sign Kyoto?" marchers chanted in the background.

Surrounded and cornered, Jesus decided to leave. "Man, where am I going to go? It's not like I can return to Bethlehem. First, the Romans, now the Arabs. I'm tired of having to convince people. I did not realize things were this bad. I told Pa, you know God, that it was 1 000 years too late." Jesus told Moon Zuppa that he appreciated his supporters and just wished they came out in larger numbers. "I was prepared to answer all their questions regarding all the mysteries of life. I may as well never existed. Oh well. I guess they weren't ready at the end of the day. They are still divided spiritually.