First Lady Encourages Kids To Breathe More

Disassociated Press -

Emboldened by the failure of her healthy choice initiatives in high school cafeteria, First Lady Michelle Obama is currently educating people of the benefits of water. "Water is, well, a thirst killer!" she shouted at this hapless "reporter." Her excitement about the possibility of empowering children of all ages between 0 and 99 through water was enlightening. "All I'm saying is instead of reaching for the cream soda, drink some water. It'll help prevent all sorts of nasty diseases. Like stupid."

Michelle is so full of life and concern for other people's well-being she has been working hard catching up on her science. 

"Did you know the human body is 75% water?" she proudly proclaimed. "I read it somewhere. I thought, well, it's only logical we dedicate 75% of meals to water."  

When asked technical biological questions like "what the fuck? Aren't humans wired to know when to drink water? Isn't it kinda stupid to 'one size fits all' people with notions of how much water you should drink in a day?"

Good questions. I know for me one or two bottles a day is suffice or else I'll be pissing the rest of the day and night. I don't generally feel thirsty so why should I drink if I'm healthy?

But what I think doesn't matter to smarter people than me. That's why Michelle is concerned about the amount of oxygen us little people take in. "I think it's important to breath. Just like it is to drink water."

The details of her new campaign has not been released but the problem of people not breathing enough has reached epidemic levels. New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, for his part, is adamant it's his job to make things right. "Join me and First Lady Michelle in this most important challenge. It's for the children."