Jean-Claude Van Damme Prepares to Fight Terrorists

Disassociated Press - Somewhere in a forest in Brussels.

"Some pipple are lactose intolerant. I am terroreest intolerant! I will fight them all wherever they may be! Do you know where they be?" So are the barely articulate words of Jean-Claude Van Damme as he sharpened a spoon. "My martial art motions will come in handy, no?" as he took a sip of his Stella Artois. It has been reported that in recent long years, with his career imitating a mudslide, Van Damme has been seeking in his backyard to revive his once stylish fighting touch. "The only problem is that he seems to have lost touch with reality. I mean, his spirit is ok but not even his films made any realistic sense. I mean, he's a good guy and all but dammit he's Belgian. Let's get real," fellow pugilist impersonator Sly Stone smugly told MZUppa while licking his flexed arms. "My films, on the other hand, were real." For his part, J-C told us he's not cowardly afraid. "I know people think I am nutty crazy like Tom Cruise. I come from Belgium. We chocolate flavored Belgians have always been underdogs. Look at World War II. We did alright." Yeah, when the Germans were not around.