Today's Foreheadlines

-IBM stock plummets after CEO admits to not washing hands after peeing.
- Canada to return half their medals. "That's way too many for Canada. We don't like too much success."
-Little boy and pet monkey to replace local meteorologist. "Our impact study shows that the boy can get the weather right about as accurately as Jim did....at a fraction of a fraction of the cost."
-Little Girl and Barbie doll to replace local traffic reporter. When asked about the terrible traffic jams in town she answered "What flavor is traffic jam?" to a howling groupthinking media.
-Koko to replace manager in shoe store in Zzyzx, California. "Sales were down. We had to try something. Koko is pretty charming. We just have to make sure she's well fed."
-According to stats compiled by an international stats consortium, Stats Canada and the Census Bureau stats can prove to be notoriously unreliable.
-Consumer spending down 3%. "Huh? How can that be? My wife alone has spent 45% of my income already!"
-Canadian PM boasts that his government created 16 jobs 24 days into his term.
-PETA member eaten by Polar bear after shielding it from an Arctic Inuit hunter protecting his family.