Tourist Arrested for Speaking English too Loud

An American tourist was arrested by the language police in Montreal-East last night after an informant overheard him speaking on the telephone.

Timothy Wattdehel, 37, is awaiting arraignment and remains confused and shocked in a jail cell on Ontario St. "I was in a happy mood. Montreal is such a pretty city in the winter time. The white snow is so pristine. The spirit of Ste. Catherine moved me to call my mother."

Lawyers for the language police are charging Mr. Wattdehel with speaking the dreaded English language in public at well above the decibel levels allowed by Bill 102. "De law his clear. Pipple must spik Hinglish aff as loud as la langue Française. 'Specially hin areas where French his de language dominant," explained prosecutor Jean La Couture. "Mr. Wattdehell was clearly in violation of this law," added his assistant. When asked what evidence the prosecution had that was clear he would only say that it came from a credible anonymous tip from a 'patriote.'

"I still don't know what I am charged for. One minute I am talking loudly into the phone - my mother has partial hearing - and the next thing I know I am being hauled away by men who refused to at least explain what I did," Wattdehel recounted. When asked if this was a democratic law, a member of the National Assembly, who did not want to be named - said "it was perfectly justified to do so since we are an endangered species."

Mr. Wattdehell is the first person to be charged under the criminal code provision of Bill 102. "We will be enforcing the law. Soon, we will have tape recorders on every street corner in the city," explained Constable Guy Beaujeau of the MUC.

This has many citizens worried as their civil liberties, already stripped to the bone, have taken to wondering if the government will take the next logical step. One citizen noted "First, it was the wording that had to be half the size of the French word. Now, it's how loud we say it. What's next? The thought police?"

In fact, it has been alleged that nationalists are calling for a scientific study into this possibility. "We must hall do what is necessaire" quipped Mr. La Couture. "Montreal his a sophsiticated city and we must not let foreigners corrupt our innocence." When asked where the money will come from to pay for this study he smirked and said, "The Americans. Who else?"

For now, Timothy Wattdehel will have to await trial alone in a strange land. He may just be warned and fined. "Montreal doesn't look so pretty to me now. The snow has turned to brown with shit" he lamented as he was taken away in chains.