Beaver Alienation Reaches Puberty

Timmy was standing on the sidewalk holding his father's hand when out yonder - maybe half a block - a commotion caught his tweenaged attention. Escorted by a parade of police cruisers and motorcycles, the parsimonious but patriotic protesting beavers had come out of the their ponds and taken their grievances to the streets.

"CANADA IS OURS!" read the caption held by one beaver. "We have been used for too long by Canada and we won't stand for it anymore" explained the head patriarch beaver. "We built every damn dam in this country!"

"Oh daddy, why are the beevies doing this? Don't they know their place?"

"Well, son. Sometimes all things must come to an end and it looks like the beevies have had enough."

Beaver Nation alienation had been growing for some time. Its roots could be found as early as the 1970s when Canada engaged in compassionate social engineering.

The muddled marchers stopped right in front of Timmy as he looked on with a mixture of horror and interest. A hoary beaver stood on a few others and began to shout into a megaphone.

"For hundreds of years we were an integral part of the Canadian economy. The Coureur de Bois and The Bay became millionaires off our pelts. No more. The Beaver Boat Units are mobilizing and preparing to attack!"

"Attack?" Timmy cried to his father.

"Who are they going to attack, daddy?"

"Oh come now son. They're beavers. They ain't going to attack anybody."

Meanwhile, back in oblivious Ottawa where obfuscation was the norm, Canadian officials remained defiant if not in downright denial. Timmy and his pimpled-faced pompous papa watched from a television in window.

A spokesperson for Defense (defense is used lightly here) Canada, Normie-Gordie Burntstrudel tried to reassure the nation. "This is Canada. Everybody loves us as we love ourselves. We are a peacecreating, peacekeeping, peacegiving, peaceeverything country" When pressed if the Canadian military is prepared in the event of the attack he continued with a confident smile "If we are attacked, which is asinine, we are appropriately ready."

One reporter asked how appropriately ready they were Mr. Burntstrudel answered, "All of Canada will unite and defeat the uprising to preserve our unique existence. We've also put in a call to the Inuit. A kayak unit is ready to be dispatched and if dispersed shortly the estimated distance means they will be here in four or five days." When asked if Québec will take part in the defense of Canada all he would comment is, "they are decidedly distinct and thus have distinct choices to make regarding their well-earned distinct territory."

"Paw-paw. I do not understand. I thought Canada was perfect! Will I have to go to beaver school as well as learn French and various Native tongues?"

"Maybe so, son. Maybe, so. It's the Canadian way," Timmy's father responded in a proud tone.

None of this surprised the beavers. "Canada always has its head up its ass. We're forewarning them and they still won't budge. They will see our anger is real and our wrath swift and lethal." Even the Québec division is ready. They don't speak English too well but we are united in our cause."

Anger on what has become known as the 'Canadian street' is mounting. The average Canadian is outraged at the thought of even putting one lousy loonie into the listless military in defense of this country. "We need to put it in more important places. Like public health," screamed one person. Another quipped, "What does beaver meat taste like? Is their fur, like, still popular in Europe?"

Timmy squeezed his paw's hand as they turned and walked away. Unsure of their future they figured they may as well forgo Canada and head for the USA.