Moon Zuppa

Amnesty Launches Lawsuit Against Occupy Wall Street

2011-11-07T20:38:00.001-05:00

Disassociated Press -
Moon Zuppa has learned Amnesty is taking Occupy Wall Street to court for illegally occupying Wall Street.

"It's not right. We see it as a human rights issue. They terrorize innocent bankers - described a persons and/or objects that wear "really neat shoes and ties," Brett Sodommee told Moon Zuppa. He added, "We don't tolerate Israel occupying Palestine so why should we accept what these people are doing to Wall St.?"

Protestors, for their part, don't see themselves as occupiers per se, but as conquerers. As one person who took out a student loan they never knew they had to pay back, "Occupy is a big word, man. We came, we saw, we made no sense. It's all part of the plan, man. Free 'taters now!"

The "Organization for the Stupid," for its part, has offered free popcorn to any protestor who checks themselves in for a free consultation determining the degree of "Stupid" they have and whether it's genetic or not.

We signed up!

We'll let you know!

TSA Changes Name To Tits' N Asses

2010-11-21T12:11:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

"Since America has become a total fucking joke at this point under a man many morons regarded as a fucking intellectual, why not change the name of the Transportation Secuirty Authority? It's fun. We're out of control as a society and scared witless. So we figured changing the name to Tits 'N Ass would, you know, lighten things up."

So spoketh Janet Napolitano and her TSA pal John Pistole followed by a high-five.

***

Reports have been coming in about the ordeal of J. Motherrose who stood naked before several TSA thugs as they foamed at the mouth. "Be careful, Petie. Be....careful. She may bite!" Laughter ensued. Other TSA douches spoke into their walkie-talkies looking suspiciously at a five year-old boy.

"As I stood...naked. They asked me. Do you have anything else to show us?"

"I said, no and that's when they cuffed me for challenging their authority."

Homeland Security Moves To Ban Box Cutters

2010-08-31T23:15:00.000-04:00

The announcement has led Home Depot, Lowe's, Reno, Ro-Na and Home Hardware to band together under the banner, "Box Cutters don't commit crimes, but they hurt when they cut you."

Mouse Overcame Prejudice And Mental Disabilities With Courage

2010-07-13T13:04:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Bloomington - The world's greatest labrynth moused history has died. Cousin Ritzputtle (seen right), semi-retarded and always hungry for cheese, was killed when the hamster wheel in his luxurious Thai-inspired cage fell off and cut his blessed little head. "No one could sniff through a maze like C.R. could," head janitor Antonio Ypres told Moon Zuppa.

According to witnesses, there was blood everywhere. Sources say ants were thrown in to clean up the decomposing mess. It's what L'il Cousin would have wanted.

"Despite his retardation, he had the mind of a GPS. In fact, we have contacted the makers of GPS and offered his brain for experimentation. So far there are no takers but we're confident there will be," head lab guy Mike Petrodiezel explained. "It's a huge loss. To large to bear I'm afraid. Worse than when I lost my mother. it's tough. You know? Rough."

"Ritzy was once clocked at completing his maze run in under a minute. I don't know how good that is but we felt it was a-maze-in. Watching him run around with that little helmet brough joy to us all, " fellow head vice lab person Mills Diatrib recounted with nostalgia.

Moon Zuppa doesn't like rodents and as far as we're concerned one less of these morons eating our cheese the better. Mind you, we're lactose intolerant. But you get our point! Cheese is for humans!

Prime President Obama Plans Military Invasion Of Insurance Companies

2010-03-19T19:31:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

President Obama has just announced a military take over of all insurance company operations across the land. "I've had it with these cocksuckers. Even though our bill does nothing to fix any problems and will cost a mint to operate, I still think the insurance industry is at the root of all our medical evils. So I alone decided it was time to bring back the draft and destroy them by military force. I didn't want it to come to this but they left me no choice. Bang, bang! By the way, it won't cost a dime to do this. We're just going to take the money from, erm, yeah, the education department that way it will be deficit-neutral. Long live Sycacuse!"

No time table was given about when this armed attack will take place but Press Secretary Robert Gibbs - still wearing a Team Canada hockey jersey, "I love maple leafs. It soothes me. I love when they get crisp and I crack them." - said the government is using the insurance industry as a rough draft for attacking "those moronians from I-ran."

There you have it. Moon Zuppa will be on this story like a porn star on a cock. We promise.

President Obama To Stop Being A Professor

2010-02-03T14:23:00.000-05:00

"I think I'm getting the hang of this "president" thing," was how he put it. "It's tough though," he said while chuckling, "I keep looking for my chalk when I'm up there speaking; especially when my sleeves are rolled."

He also added. "I think I'm gonna make like Bat-Man and work behind the scenes rather than get in people's faces."

You do that, Mr. President.

Spoon Wielding Chick Faces Charges

2010-02-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

Moon Zuppa received this disturbing 911 call. Please. If you're children are still fucking swear virgins, tuck them away.

911: Yell-o!
Caller: I think someone is trying to break into my house!
911: You think or you know? Big difference.
Caller: What the fuck are you talking about? Someone is yelling at my window!
911: Who is this?
Caller: Janet fucking Smith you cunt!
911: Well Jeannette, not too many people yell at a window.
Caller: Fuck you! He's fogging up my window!
911: Ok. Janet. I really don't appreciate your tone. I need you to remain calm. We don't want to do anything rash!
Caller: Should I scare them away!
911: NO! I mean, if you do that it can cause a bigger problem!
Caller: Oh my God! He just smashed the window!
911: What's that in the background?
Caller: It's the ADT girl!

ADT: Um, sir. You are trespassing. Kindly walk away. Sir. Um. Listen. We're sending the police. They'll be there in twelve minutes. In the meantime, you wanna tell me why you bothering these fine folks? Did you have a hard day at work? A mother who didn't breast feed you? Sir...sir.

Alarm smashed.

911: Hm. Right. That's not good. Hm.
Caller: Could you knock it off with the "hm's?" He's in my living room!
911: Do you have a safe place you can go hide?
Caller: In my own home I have to run scared? Why don't I just go get a gun?
911: Ha, ha! Hey, Larry. I got a live one here! She wants to protect herself in her own home with a gun while some nut case roams around in her house!

Laughter in background.

911: Listen, ma'am. Don't get crazy. We don't know why he's in your house. He may be there to just make himself a ham and cheese sandwich. Do you have ketchup in the house?
Caller: Yes.
911: Good. Crooks like ketchup for some reason.
Caller: Maybe I can shoo him away?
911: I wouldn't do that. It can cause trauma for the little dicken. We have to be thoughtful here Jane. Got it?
Caller: B-but, h-h-he's in my house! What if he wants to rape me?
911: Don't be foolish. You don't know that. If you do have to act please do it within the context of the law.
Caller: The law? What the fuck do I care about the law? I'm terrified!
911: What? You can't be rational for a sec? Chill a little.
Caller: This is crazy!
911: Ma'am..ma'am. Hello? Jane? Oh, Lord. She's gonna hurt that man!

This chilling exchange was obtained by Moon Zuppa news services. Janet did manage to scare the intruder off by wielding a spoon. "He just yelped and ran away," she explained.

However, the story didn't end there. She was later arrested for attempted aggravated assault. The intruder, who fled the scene, went to police and pressed charges stating the spoon brought back haunting memories of his past. In a statement, the criminal said, "mother would demand he eat cabbage soup even though he was allergic to cabbage."

Poor guy.

Janet will face the judge tomorrow morning to explain her actions.

Sucking Cocks For Haiti

2010-01-22T13:09:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press-

On the heels of George Clooney hosting a star-studded telethon to raise funds to help Haiti, porn stars have bonded together to do their part. "We're sucking cocks for Haiti," Monica Sweetheart told a dick hardened Moon Zuppa rookie reporter named "Phil." Sweetheart, and she sure is, put in a call to a few of her slut bunnies including Claudia Rossi and Eva Angelina after seeing the devastation on the news. "I was working and the scene was fucking from behind so I had a good view of the TV. I couldn't believe what I saw. Once the load finished dripping on me, I decided to do something about it."

What a gal. We need more porn stars like her. For every cock sucked, $1 dollar will be sent to the local Red Cross. And how do they feel about it? "Hey, at this point, the more the merrier. Like an orgy, you know?" explained one aid worker. Another chimed in. "Look, roughly 80% of the cash gets skimmed anyway so when we say we need, say, $100 000, it really means $180 000. It's nice that all segments of the population are coming through to help make up for the corruption."

"I don't think about stuff like that," Sweetheart, and she sure is, said. "If I do, it can really get in the way. I just want to get to as many penises as I can. I may even have a whole new career on my hand. Imagine that. A humanitarian whore! Wow. I, mean, it'll totally mainstream porn once and for all."

And soon they'll be winning Oscars.

Porn Stars For Haiti estimate they'll raise about $201.78.

We don't know how they calculated the .78 cents.

Man Goes On Shooting Rampage; Says It Was A Joke

2010-01-14T22:48:00.001-05:00

"Gilbert Arenas is a poser." So was the first sentence uttered by Mack "Little' du Vent in an exclusive interview with Moon Zuppa one day after his infamous shooting spree that left three squirrels injured. "I hear one of them lost his hand. Do squirrels have hands?" We weren't sure.

du Vent was, the story goes, upset about something but we couldn't find out. Mediocre journalist we are. "They say for a war to be just it must adhere to certain principles as set by jus ad bellum lest the war be illegal. I feel I was under attack. I had no choice. Squirrels are schemers."

Interesting thought. Although we're not sure why the Jews have to be involved.

The detective assigned to the case, Davey Lewisvilleberg, believes this was a random act of violence. "To be honest, we didn't really grasp all that adbelloom stuff. All I know is there are three squirrels wondering what the fuck happened. I wouldn't want to be their families right now. Have you ever looked a squirrel in the eye to tell them they lost a loved one? I have. It's no fun, man."

Mr. du Vent, despite his legal posturing, claims it was all just a joke. "People don't get me."

He will be arraigned next week. As for the squirrels, they're going nuts for the truth.

Kid Flagged For Typing Error

2009-08-08T19:08:00.003-04:00

Disassociated Press -

It started out like any other pathetic day for Joe Harky. The little dicken got up, scratched his balls, brushed his tooth, ate what was left in the fridge, got dressed with high quality hand me downs, shut the door to his outhouse and off he went to a school he's not even eligible to attend.

"I knew it was going to be a rough day when I had to scratch my balls more than usual," Joe said after agreeing to speak with Moon Zuppa and no one else.

During computer class, Joe decided to save a document. He couldn't think of anything witty to title it so he unwittingly went with 'KKK.' "It just happened that way. I had to piss so badly."

While away in the bathroom, his teacher noticed his draft and notified authorities. "I had to do something. With the White House asking us to flag people I was doing my patritotic duty." We reminded her she lived in Caanada. "Whatever," she replied.

Police detained Joe for questioning.The Human Rights Tribunal, a ragged bunch if we've ever seen one, also get in on the act on behalf of the school. "We want his blood. No. Seriously. Can you fill this vile?" one of their flunkies asked us.

"It was an honest mistake but they didn't want to believe me. They kept asking me to prove my existence," Joe explained with a confused look.

"They demanded to know if I was a stooge of the insurance companies or a member of ACCORN. What does this mean, mom?"

It means what you know isn't and what you thought you knew isn't. It also means nothing exists. No one believes.

The moral of this sad and sordid tale, seemingly, is don't scratch your balls to hard because you may just uncover a conspiracy.

Spelling Bee Champ Used HGH

2009-05-28T23:50:00.003-04:00

Disassociated Press -

"I always knew that kid was juiced" one parent shouted as police escorted a spelling bee icon into the courthouse following a massive, but tastefully executed, steroid raid in an Ontario trailer park.

Pinjib Darry, while spelling everything in site, was taken into custody today. What led investigators to Darry was the confession by the main suspect in the bust Les Timwither. Timwither claimed the drugs were destined for six NFL, MLB and NHL teams and one box for "one spelling bee dude".

"He never called it in. I doubt he even knows he's been taking them. His mother is one whacked out chick. Good in the sack though. That Karma Sootra shit really moves my dick".

Organizers and fans alike began to suspect things were off with Darry when the 13 year-olds voice suddenly began to sound like Barry White and constantly flexed muscles after each correctly spelled word.

"Darry is the greatest speller in history. He's won 34 straight spelling bees in six different langauages" Melinda Mofo explained to Moon Zuppa.

She added, "there's certainly a debate about whether we should erase the record books where Darry is concerned. Too bad. He was a hero to us. Like Barbaro."

"Barbaro could spell"? Moon Zuppa innocently asked. We were then shown the door. "I will not tolerate insolence towards Barbs".

Darry's court appearance will be tomorrow morning where he's expected to plead "not innocent".

This is Moon Zuppa reporting.

ING Guy Caught Embezzling Bank Funds

2009-02-10T16:24:00.003-05:00

See this guy? He spent years building your trust telling you to "save your money." Yeah well,turns out he's been hoarding your savings and loansharking it out. Just when you were beginning to believe what you saw on TV.

Now we know why there are no ING branches to speak of. ING guy was the branch.

We tried to reach ING guy's publicist but she couldn't speak English and we don't know any Dutch. It was an impasse but we managed get passed this through a Mongolian translator. "These are hard economic times in case you haven't noticed" she said. "But ING khan cares about people and he was planning to invest the cash at the right moment."

At 42.5% of course.

When asked about the loansharking operation she suddenly didn't understand the Mongol. "Che, che?" was all she would say.

So we then asked where he was keeping the money. To this, she perked up and replied, "His mattress of course." However, rumors have circulated that ING guy in fact sleeps in a water bed.
In yet another angle, sources not so close to Moon Zuppa have reported he "invested" the cash in a marijuana muffin scheme.

There are concerns some of the muffins may have found their way onto shelves at Tim Hortons.

Winning Over Yellow Lungs And Polluted Minds With Organic Cigarettes

2009-02-07T11:47:00.003-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Virginia - In a crowded smoke-infested room stands Simon LeLemonnet. A person walks up to him, "Cigarette?" "I don't smoke that shit," he replies. In a world of contradiction, LeLemonnet is a walking contradiction onto himself. You see and we write here, he's the CEO of Tobacco Road Industries.

"I recently took us into the kamut and whole grain business," he proudly tells Moon Zuppa as he sips blueberry juice before going on stage to address the crowd assembled for his press conference

The cigarette industry is under constant fire now. Once alone in the world of pouncing on vices, they're in competition with social zealots who seek a monopoly on virtue.

From the podium, LeLemonnet opens with an admission of guilt. "Ok. I admit it. Mea culpa. Cigaretters are addictive. Just like Doritos and Coke." Then he shouts, "But these do-gooders...We're cut from the same chord we shall die arm in arm like King Arthur and Mordred!"

He composes himself and takes a sip of his juice and looks at the bottle. "Ahh, so refreshing!" The he stares into the crowd, "and healthy! That's why I'm introducing the world's first organic cigarette with Omega-3!" He then throws the bottle to the ground and makes an air-guitar lick move.

Crowd stands up and cheers.

Except for one shadowy figure. Yours truly.

Marbury Plots His Next Career Move

2009-01-02T20:04:00.003-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Moon Zuppa thinks Stephon Marbury is a worldly individual. A successful, cocky businessman and athlete, the world's greatest shyster has big plans and the truth about his interest in Italy.

"I's got to git me to I-taly! Damn, those I-talians!"

Marbury, 31, is convinced he knows how to turn copper into gold and the only place to do it is in Europe. "Wees too ignorance here. I gots to git to Yourup. There, I can dupe me some king or sumting. Once the Knicks contract is up I's got to find me a new sugardaddy, you hear me bitch?"

When asked (by us. Moon Zuppa) if he ever plans to actually play basketball and stop dicking around Stephon offered a philosophical thought, "Is it so wrong to get a million dollar contract even though I didn't ask for it? I mean, so I bounce a ball up and down a court. I never bothered nobody. Nobody! I didn't create what I've become. It was them. It was the establishment. Stephon is misunderstood, you know? But I's a hot damn good bizness man!"

No, we don't. He may be known as Shysterbury to some but he's in the process of becoming Mar-Burying his credibility and life.

Government To Assign NDP Representative Per Household

2009-01-02T19:20:00.003-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Somewhere in rural Northern Ontario where the snow refuses to cooperate with the sun -

Hi. Moon Zuppa is reporting (and we use the term loosely) the government is preparing to introduce legislation for "personal long-term planning" through sensitive but resistant documentation we obtained from an outside source in Kanata (just outside Ottawa.)

"This can no longer go on. Canadians need our help," an NDP spokesalien and close associate to Jack Layton named Froluck told us. "It's simple. We've consulted with other non-elected bodies and organizations and decided to conspire a plan to ensure every Canadian is safe." From what Canadians need to be fearful of exactly wasn't disclosed or explained. Froluck added, "Jackie, who is searching for the philosopher's stone in Southern France, would be so fucken' proud of us."

The Liberals, who were holding their annual tupperware party in Arizona, are on board with the plan. "Look, the party stinks right now. We'll approve anything," explained one of Justin Trudeau's flunkies. He continued, "We don't know much but we do know that interventionism is better than laissez-faire capitalism." When pressed to explain what he meant, he answered "Leave me alone."

Moon Zuppa went after the man behind the fiendish scam: Bradford Jefferson IX. "We think the cost of the plan will run into the billions. But we think it's worth it." When suggested this was irresponsible utopian socialist murky mumbo-jumbo all paid by the taxpayers, Mr. Jefferson said, "If taking care of your fellow man is communistic then I'm guilty as charged! You people make me sick. You really need to be more progressive. You see, us Liberals are extremely progressive."

And what is the proposal? Here's an excerpt from a speech given by Mr. Jefferson to the Canadian Kennel Club:

"Thank you. Woof, woof! When people ask me what my passion is, I always tell them it's about liberty; controlled liberty. There's nothing more progressive. But that's just the shell. It needs to be filled with cheese and meat so to speak. It's all about long-term planning. Getting to the root of things. Offering solutions. Being progressive by pretending to both prevent and predict problems. It's about converting our values into practical and favorable action. It's about belief systems. Crescent roles and all the wholesome feelings it conjures up. It's also about the environment and personal health and hygiene. We want to ensure all of these are in every Canadian household. The only way to do this is to build an army of NDP robots to enter every home in this free land. We feel this an appropriate response to achieve our goals. 67% of Canadians voted for us so Harper better shut his stupid cocky face and go with it. He know nothing about democracy and freedom. But we do!"

Yeah.

Right.

From Buckwheat To Token Franklin: Obama Makes Love To My Brain

2008-11-07T21:31:00.004-05:00

Disassociated Press - Free of editing since 2008.

I come back from a two-month tea party in Nunavut with Rex Murphy and next thing I know Obama iz Prez.

And boy was it a mean tea party. Flavors of the world at our disposal.

Moon Zuppa asked me to offer my thoughts about the election. I said, "What election?" and they were like, "How much seal blood did you drink?" and I was like, "None. I'm Hemo-Intolerant."

They informed me about the first black President ever. I was surprised. I coulda sworn there were others. Weren't Bo Jackson or JJ leaders?

Then again, I never cared for facts or history. My first reaction was, "Fucken-A. Benson made it."

I asked what his campaign song was. I was disappointed he didn't go with "Fat Albert" or "Shaft" or "Sanford & Son" or "The Jeffersons." Although I hear he's already plastered the Oval Office walls with posters of Richard Pryor.

Our conversation concluded with my agreeing to offer my insights.

I made a few calls and discovered that Obama's first order of biz, in addition to growing a bad ass NBA-style afro, after he assumes full control of the executive is to introduce slavery. Only this time, it'll be white folk picking cotton - figuratively speaking. Three white people will be assigned to every black household in an effort to equalize history.

He's calling it "Reverse Slavery, Bitch."

I say go for it. If it means balancing things out I say it's about time. We white folks had it coming. And for those of you who feel you had nothing to do with the past I say too bad. You shoulda thought of that before choosing your past. Someone has to pay. Pay it back now!

While I was writing this article, I got hungry. So I headed for the pharmacy. On the way there, a kid tugged my jean jacket from behind as I stopped to light my cigarette. I hate when they fucking do that. He said, "Mister. Obama has inspired me to want to become the first Indian to become leader of America."

I kneeled down and put my hand on his shoulder and said, "That's great. Listen kid, don't take this the wrong way but get a grip. Even if you feather-wearing natives had a chance you would never succeed. To be leader of that country you need to be an American. You are in Canada dumb ass. Capiche, Buffalo Cheese?"

He began to cry. "But I don't want to be President of Canada!"

I looked at him and laughed.

Full on pills, I got back to work. According to my insider - who really isn't a political insider. He's just a plumber. And not a very good one - he told me a rapper he knows said he hear Obama say, "We are the establishment now! Bring some homies and chicks to the White House lawn! Let's bring class to this joint."

At which point, a delirious Jesse Jackson jumped up and cryptically yelped, "Yeow, My crayola's are missing!"

I also heard the KKK, for its part, is now planning to mail a copy of "Birth of a nation" on VHS to remind white people to "wake up" and take back their country. "When you mix a Jew with a nigger you get Jewnig. Do you want Jewnig's telling you what toilet paper to buy?"

The guy has a point.

I didn't know Obama until today. But already his tall, slender build and smooth verbal deliveries have left me wondering if he'll ever share a tea with me and Rex on the Mackenzie.

Jig Joner is a writer we found at a party.

Of Skunks and Skanks

2008-06-06T15:36:00.006-04:00

Moon Zuppa Opinion Page:

By Beaker

Today. Earlier. I was driving in traffic. There were cars in front of me in the lane. They were all driving slowly in rush hour. "Drive faster assholes!" I yelled at my dashboard.

I wished to Vishnu they heard me. But they didn't because they're stupid. And even if they did I can just imagine what they would say in that whiny, tight ass tone, "next time leave earlier for work and you wouldn't be in such a rush."

"Yeah well that piece of shit that was lodged in my ass took 10 minutes longer to come out. You can't account for that in the morning."

I also thought about how I wanted to fuck my neighbour in the ass. Been there, done that I know but... Her husband ignores her. She's a docile and decent enough lady. She deserves to be squirted on every once in a while and she loves it. For a 48-year old lady she's ok looking. She loves to keep jewelry on when she engages in such activities and I must profess it's sexy.

Even though she ignores me when she sees me taking out the garbage our forbidden love is getting freakier by the day. She is into the DP thing now - outside. And the thing that drives me nuts is that she is so subtle in her requests. Just a glance is needed and I'm her like Oprah on a new age jerk off.

Which reminds me of the dead skunk I drove over. I looked back but there was no stench...until. It was like hitting a wall. Whew! I could feel it entering my pores; my throat, my soul.

It reminded me of the time when Peter farted. It was the single most lethal smell in the history of mankind. It was toxic to the point we feared for his health. You saw it form and gather strength right before your eyes and you could do nothing about it.

I don't think Peter would be too pleased about me talking about this now that he's some fucking big shot in foreign affairs. Sometimes, when I'm annoyed, I send him a letter reminding of that day when we were 17.

He writes back filled with anger and telling me to get a life.

Ha, ha.

I hate things that smell bad. I hate things that hurt my nose.

I stopped my car and did a U-ee and headed for the skunk with a sense of purpose. In the middle of traffic I calmly walked to the skunk and bashed it some more.

"Take that you sonofabitch!"

Onlookers were unsure how to react.

I broke out into "Singin' in the rain."

Gene Kelley had so much style and grace.

I looked back at the skunk. Hopped in my car and looked forward to calling Isabella.

Saving Sports And Ourselves Is Taken Seriously By The NHL

2008-04-20T14:16:00.005-04:00

Goiters -

This just in! On the heels of a wonderfully paritized NHL season, the big taco's who run the league have decided to make it even more egalitarian.

"If this keeps up we'll end up with one big team! So we've proposed to have rotating champions. That way everyone wins!" league spinspokesman Harry Gambleman told Moon Zuppa.

Gambleman walks with a noticeable limp. He also sniffs his fingers a lot.

"It all makes sense. It's awesome not knowing who will beat who but everyone always has a chance to win the Cup. So why not bring more fairness to the whole process? Who wants to see well-managed, outstanding teams dominate weak, inefficient ones? We need to help the stupid and irresponsible. Force the good ones to come down a notch. Who needs true competition? The way I see it, they give out ribbons and trophies to 5th place finishers now. I know because my kid got one the other day. His teacher said he's just as good as the 1st place guy who also won the same ribbon. Didn't matter one iota that Jeremy has no arms." some drunk journalist slurred to us.

Whatever.

Moon Zuppa applauds such a noble idea. The world has gone awry because of our excessive chase for the pursuit of excellence. Excellence is a myth. Best to control and determine the future by taxing the good. In this way, we prevent low-self-esteem, depression by artificially increasing self-worth. Poverty will be eradicated and global warming will be a thing of the past. The polar bears will stay where they belong in the Arctic and the seal hunt will be stopped.

It's all for the better.

So who will be next year's champion?

"Well, we're not going to spoil everything. We do want to keep some suspense," Goobleman said with a disturbing and nervous smirk.

MZuPPa can't wait for the Vegas odds.

Drinking Your Own Blood May Lower Cholesterol

2008-03-07T14:55:00.007-05:00

Goiters -

Report prepared by Herbie McKracker. Herbie is in the 6th grade.

It has been suggested in a recent study made by...um, their name escapes me. Doesn't matter. What is notable is that the study is very important because it is a study and studies are made by very smart people who study. Studies are just as good as examinations and what they learned was that drinking blood actually lowers cholesterol.

"We think," Pete from the lab said.

He continued, "We're pretty sure it does. Maxine cut her finger the other day and she sucked the dickens out of it. I was observing the episode and decided to order she take a blood test."

Maxine - who also works in the lab - recounted her horrific ordeal. "At first, I was like, shit, I just cut my finger. And then I was like, darn, I'm bleeding. After that it was like, erm, may as well suck it since I couldn't find a band-aid. Then, Pete wanted me go do a blood test. I was confused. Why does he want me to do a test? Can I get gonorrhea by cutting my finger on an envelope? But then Pete told me it was because he knew I had high cholesterol and I was like, oh yeah. Ok. It's all in the interest of science."

As a writer who writes for Moon Zuppa, I wanted to cut through all the bullshit. Quotes are over rated. So what were the implications of these findings?

"We're not sure. Maxine's blood test came back negative which astounded us. It was like, holy moly! Can it be the blood? So now we ordered a bunch of mice and rats to use as guinea pigs."

I didn't get it. He wanted mice to become pigs?

"No, no. It's an expression so to speak. Using lab rats give us a lot of insight about the complexities of the human body. Not sure why, seeing they are rats, but you know what I mean."

I didn't, and neither did my mother, so we let it go.

In light of these remarkable findings what was the next step?

"First, we want to influence public policy about the importance of drinking blood. It has properties that may prove crucial to our survival as a species in the future. Cheerios - which is known to also lower cholesterol - should be eaten with 250ml of blood."

250ml?

"Totally arbitrary. But it doesn't mean it's wrong."

What about drinking other people's blood?

"Well, that is trickier. There is no proof Dracula had low cholesterol so at this time that would be irresponsible of us to advocate."

Of course it would.

You Can't Afford To Not Take This Offer

2008-03-02T10:40:00.005-05:00

Seriously, what is wrong with you? Stay a while. Read some fucking posts. Open your mind. If you stick around Moon Zuppa will give you the 72 Names of God that will leave you (and only you) in a permanent state of enlightenment.

Just send us $1 and each time we will reveal you one name!

What are you waiting for! It's an awesome deal. I mean, come on! 72 GOD NAMES! How can you beat that?

Just post a comment saying "GOD ME!" as well as a cheque and we promise you - P.R.O.M.I.S.E. - to send you a name.

TESTIMONIAL: "I send you my money but all I got was a lousy t-shirt."

Yes. The t-shirt is encrypted. But if you send another dollar we will show you how to decipher it!"

CALL NOW WITHIN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES!

MAKE THAT 9:59 MINUTES!

TESTIMONIAL "I didn't think "Godd Dammit" was a real name. I want my money back."

CALL NOW!

Borat Honoured In Home Country

2008-02-27T19:51:00.003-05:00

Goiters -

Borat was named Kazakstanian of the year for the third straight year.

It was a tearful Borat who took the stage in the town square where tens of people gathered.

"I want to thank all of you. What a great honour this is for me," he told the crowd through a translator.

'I love you."

The organizer of the event, Dimitry Yuskemaniviccio was extremely proud of his countryman. "I know he really wasn't born here but he's all we've got."

"Bah. It always seems to be him who wins," one unimpressed onlooker said. "My cousin learned how to take a bath the other day. Why doesn't he get an award? Why that bastard Borat?"

Soon after the three minute ceremony a pig was slaughtered and a party ensued with what was left of the crowd.

"Let us celebrate into the night! Call Yola and let's share her!" Borat shouted.

Yuskeman added, "There may only be nine people left but don't let the small numbers scare you. We are mental party animals."

Moon Zuppa does not doubt it for one sec.

Local "Eat good you brain burnt bastards and bitches" chapter calls for healthy Halloween

2007-11-27T19:00:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

2007 wasn't supposed to end this way. No sir-ree bobby. It was to end with colorful flowers and a bucket full of buckwheat and soy.

The EGBBBB are a well-meaning organization seeking to make sure we all become what we eat. "We failed to alert and excite the media," explained EGBBBB's part-time communications coordinator Mable McMurphyphy.

It seems the EGBBBB was interested in ridding Halloween of candy and this did not go down so well with local citizens.

"Those people are mental. They came to my house and asked me what I was planning to hand out as candy. When I told them I was handing out, well, fucking candy, they suggested I replace chips for Yop. What the fuck is Yop?" Eric Leif told Moon Zuppa.

EGBBBB'S President Joanie Labellebelle isn't surprised the EGBBBB is meeting resistance. "People are stupid. They are ignorant. They need to be educated. Once they are educated they can be empowered and with power comes greed and lust. We feel that greed and lust filled with sugar is a sinister mix. Why not be powerful hooked on wheat grass and wheat germ?"

So the answer is to free Halloween from candy?

"Absolutely," she continued. "Instead of filling bags with junk that will lead to all sorts of diseases and deformities why not just bake a low fat, gluten free, wheat based muffin with dried dates and hand those out? I mean, what's so hard to figure out?"

Maybe because kids love candy and that the point of Halloween is to have fun?

"Pish posh. We can all learn to have fun with flax seed and kamut. Quite frankly I am growing uncomfortable with Mune Suppa's tone."

Yeah. We get like that. We like to make noises during an interview.

Anyway, we wish EGBBBB the best of luck. They seem to have it all together in the head.

Don't forget, organic chicken broth is on sale at your local grocery store!

Lala Lulu contributed to this piece.

New "For Dummies" books on the Market

2007-10-23T10:43:00.000-04:00

Moon Zuppa's book editor has reviewed these books recently. All can be purchased over the counter. Flash the Moon Zuppa secret word to the pharmacist and get a free paper clip - and free pills of your choice!

-2nd Grade Math for Dummies - Brought me back to a time when math mattered.
-Opening CD Packages for Dummies - Stop, just stop getting paper cuts!
-Understanding Toasters for Dummies - Bagels are different than Eggos? Who knew?
-The Rational Joy of Cooking Goat for Dummies - Sheer delight. Read with your kids.
-Drug Smuggling for Dummies - Tricky but worth while if you know the ropes.
-Human Trafficking for Dummies - The key is to work with the fine people at the ports.
-Terrorist tactics for Dummies - A rising trend not to be missed.
-How to become Jesus for profit for Dummies - A classic sure to never go out of style.
-Porn for Dummies - Now two pages long!
-Fashion tips for skanks...and for Dummies - Foreword by Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
-Checkers for Dummies - I didn't know checkers could be so hard.
-How to become a singing star without singing for Dummies - Foreword by Ashlee and Jessica Simpson.

The secret word is: atrabilius

Marion Jones returns medals because of Paul Simon

2007-10-15T12:32:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

On the heels (or calves) of Marion Jones decision to return her Olympic medals, the IOC has been faced with an avalanche of athletes doing the same. "It's a stupid problem. No doubt about it," said the eight wonder of the IOC presidential world Jacques Rogge. He looked down on the gorun, kicked some pebbles and continued, "Fucking weirdos. I don't know what to do. I wish I was a pigeon right now. I would fly away."

The IOC has been stressed to the point of a nervous breakdown. "We have no return policy," an exasperated IOC official told Moon Zuppa. As she took a second breath she asked, "I can't believe athletes are sending back their medals!"

We could have sworn she then said, "Do you have a bribe for me? I'm very busy."

We offered her a Moon Zuppa t-shirt that have yet to be produced.

To be honest, we don't know if Paul Simon is behind this. Our editorial board had to come up with a title quickly before we went to press.

As for the medals, there are no plans about what to do with the used medals. Moon Zuppa has learned - who we kidding we haven't learned a damn thing. However, we have decided to ask YOU, the PUBLIC, what you think the IOC should do with the medals. Should they melt them? Should they pave roads with them?

Tell US what YOU think!

Moon Zuppa is on temporary hiatus

2007-10-14T00:32:00.000-04:00

We're very not sorry. We're not very sad. But we do feel like we're on the cusp of nothingness.

While we are away please, we beg, think of us adequate - that we somehow made blogging and journalism a tad worse. This would comfort us if you did this.

Michael Vick Wishbone Went Wrong

2007-08-21T16:32:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Atlanta - We, the Moon Zuppa losers, bet Michael Vick wished he stuck to cockfighting. Did we just say cock? I guess we did. Anyway, we over heard Vick tell one of his hoodie friends, "ain't no one give a damn 'bout no damn chicken."

At least, Mike is a good guy. And now he'll be using his talent to draw playbooks for the Minimum Security Falcons.

Nixed Curious George Titles and Books

2007-06-09T22:03:00.001-04:00

Curious George Rolls an Enchillada
Curious George Wonders what it's like to Kill
Curious George Buys a Diaper
Curious George Wacks Off at the Zoo
Curious George Learns Yiddish
Curious George Learns Catholicism
Curious George Transmits Zoonoses
Curious George Fails Toilet Training
Curious George Deals in the Hood
Curious George is Finally Eaten by the Guy with the Yellow Hat

The Gerber People want Paris Hilton

2007-06-08T21:35:00.000-04:00

Rosie O'Donnell Receives Misrule Prize

2007-05-28T22:05:00.000-04:00

Moon Zuppa's most insignificant prestigious and only award is presented to the person or thing who claptraps hardest for freedomism. This year (or was it that year?) the award was presented - by two humans - to Rosie O'Donnell. Speaking of the prresenters, Moon Zuppa spotted a mamihlapinatapai moment between them.

"Rosie is very special given her alternatively schooled background. She has written numerous thesis papers in varied subjects including steel and cheese melting, bestiary and how to trap loose kangaroos trapped in the paddock. We feel she's offered so much to the earnings per share value of low pop culture. Too bad the bitch is not here to accept this horrific and honorific recognition, " explained Moon Zuppa's exhausted editor who accepted the award on her behalf. "I'm also weary."

Earlier in the day there were some unconfirmed but firm reports that Barbara Walters was attempting to prevent the award from being given out. Said Moon Zuppa's unemployed reporter Pete Puck, "She was crank calling talking smack'n shit. She sounded so rickety and pointless. I told her we can't save her journalistic integrity."

However, nothing was going to get in the way of O'Donnell's well-deserved achievement. Quite frankly we cautiously applaud this remarkably banal achievement. Women everywhere should be very proud.

Rosie's Fun Facts:

Favorite Animal: Thars.
Favorite Food: Flummery (w/Swedish Birch).
Favorite Activity: Reenacting Walpurgis Night.
Favorite Toe: The second one.
Greatest Obstacle to Overcome: Oslo Syndrome.

Game Show and Reality TV Line Up

2007-05-08T22:18:00.000-04:00

- Court/Pet TV:When Pets Sue
- ABC: Who wants to be a tax evader after they become a millionaire?
- Food Network: Who wants to watch me make meatloaf?
- Teletoon: Dora the Narcotics Importer
- Teletoon: Diego the Human Slave Trade Kingpin
- Sci-Fi: Aliens bent me over
- NBC: Desperate Whores
- Showcase: Where secretaries have affairs
- CBS: Who wants to be a prostitute?
- TLC:Flip this bank
- TBA: Trading Insurance Policies
- ABC: Who wants to be a civil servant?
- TLC: How janitors make the world go round
- A&E: Dog the Dog Catcher
- FOX: American Idle
- CTV: Canadian Idle
- CBC: Mocking Muslims
- CTV: CSI: Saskatoon
- VISION: RCMP: Nunavut
- TSN/ESPN: Naked Curling

Baseball Attendance Will Increase

2007-04-21T18:56:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

In an unprecedented but smart move in sports one Major League Baseball club has sternly issued a warning to fans.

One opulent owner who chose to remain anonymous decreed the following recently. "I was reading the boxscore the other day and was frightened by the attendance figures. 35 496 fans came to my park. Four shy of a damn, bloody sell-out. I'm here to tell you I will tolerate this. In the future the people who have tickets but don't show up will be found and summarily dealt with. Let that be a lesson to you all. Sell out my stadium or die. My Purple Shirts* will roam the streets to ensure justice is served."

The flimsy clubs have fanatically cried foul since their attendance spreads are far higher. Club officials for one team - let's call them the Washington Nationals because this is a piece of fiction. Or is it? - are complaining that once again the big, rich clubs are having their way. "The rich keep getting richer and nastier. We can't possibly compete with them. How are supposed to find 24 315 people without revenue and police sharing?"

In other news, many things happened in sports. Please consult a sports website. There are many we hear.

*Purple Shirts are a collection of thugs recruited from diverse places. These include Al-Queda operatives who refused to fuck camels, NDP members who are disheartened that communism and socialism truly doesn't work, and former poor-performing McDonald's employees. The organization is growing leaps and bounds and will soon reach 22 people.

PM Harper and President Bush set to Switch Roles

2007-04-20T12:34:00.000-04:00

"I'm tired and bored," President Bush recently confided to us recently. "I need to mix things up a little. Like a good Martini with an olive. I prefer black olives but they tell me it's not the same. You need to use the green ones."

That's when Prime Minister Stephen Harper got an idea. "I just thought it would be cool to switch places. I'm fed up of facing the NDP and their socialist skullduggery everyday. Jack relly needs to get a grip on reality."

No one knows exactly how this will turn out. The French, naturally, hated it and threatened to use whatever remnants of their pseudo-power to prevent it. In a video released by Canal + the French President had this to say from Guadalopue, "This was a uni-lateral decision. We want to take this to the UN security council and veto it. We are French. Merci."

Privately, one diplomat was over heard saying in a bathroom, "Do Canadians know how to handle real power?" "What about the Americans? Can they handle David Suzuki?" another said.

Whatever happens, Belinda Stronach is not wasting time any time. She's has already announced plans to join the Republicans. "I like Reppubikans! I have all the car parts they need." she said with a wink.

Time for Countries to Contract

2007-04-16T19:08:00.000-04:00

Is it us or are there too many damn countries? What's the point? We advocate some good old fashioned contraction. Start with Europe. Andorra: Dudes, pick a side and be done with it. It can go on like this. San Marino: Who are you guys kidding? Join Italy and stop pretending. Lickenshtein: Come on. You too. You're just taking up space.

Look at it this way: At least you'll do better in world soccer.

As for the rest of you - and you know who you are - contract voluntarily! Run to your nearest regional hegemon and beg for admission - and in some cases mercy. Be honest with yourselves. Are you really giving back to mankind being independent? Chances are you're not. You're only causing more grief to us loopy North American kids who have to learn your lousy exports and official languishing languages. You're also making the opening ceremonies at the Olympics that much longer and harder to watch. It's a sad site to see one shlepp with zero chance at a medal carrying the colours of a flag no one really cares about.

This Shitty Site is Under Construction

2007-04-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

Questes blogges es under constructiones

Questo cazzo di blog e sotto costruzione

Ce blug est sur evaluation psychologique.

Ein dorf bloggenmodenblach nein luft constructionbeigen

Phil Stacey and Sanjaya are Safe

2007-04-04T23:41:00.000-04:00

Belgians Propose Building Giant Fan to Combat Global Warming

2007-02-17T23:37:00.000-05:00

The ASACOW Guide

2007-01-15T11:52:00.000-05:00

Disreputable Press

The 2007 guide from the Advanced Studies for Ambitious Career-Oriented Women is finally out!

In it you will find all sorts of helpful hints to climb up the ladder of success. If you are an average lady with limited skills but is looking to make equal opportunity and affirmative action your partners then the ASACOW booklet is for you.

This year they have added several new suggestions including:

1) How to strengthen your knees.
2) The secret to sucking pipi properly and professionally while keeping your boss perpetually happy.
3) Wonderful new wrist exercises.
4) A new pill that allows you to swallow and avoid sticky messes and affairs in the office.

The male version is expected to be out soon.

The guide is $14.95 but if you call within the next few minutes Moon Zuppa will give it you in four easy installments of $3.74 for free!

Lack of Snow Making Canadians Stir Fry

2007-01-07T23:38:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

Ottawa - A national identity crisis is looming for Canadians. With the sudden lack of snow this winter, the government is wasting little time calling for a Royal Commission to study the matter.

"We want to get tot he bottom of why we have no snow. Canada without snow is like tacos without Mexicans," explained some dude with bad breath in Parliament.

Obviously, global warming is the reason. Everyone knows this. And so who is to blame?

Bush? Dwarfs? Terrorists? Saddam? Ha, ha! He's dead.

Try gnomes.

Sources close to Moon Zuppa's sources say that gnomes have been quietly building a military base in the high arctic in an attempt to one day invade Canada. They have been melting the polar ice caps with a giant hair dryer like mechanism. It is unclear at this time if Denmark is involved.

"Gosh." Was the only response from Foreign Affairs Minister Peter McKay. 'What's going to happen to our hockey players if we can't maintain outside rinks?" he opined publicly. Belinda Stronach is ready to stand by on her back if needed.

Until then Canadians should guard their homes closely. If self-esteem is low, anti-American rants always worked in the past.

"I told the Iraqi government to stick to what we know. And beheading is what we do best."

2007-01-03T15:06:00.000-05:00

Executioner tells Moon Zuppa in an exclusive interview following Saddam's execution.

Jack Layton claims: Inuit Mafia after me!

2006-12-29T13:46:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Ottawa - Stroking his moustache nervously and constantly looking over his shoulder, Jack Layton spoke about a conspiracy. One that is so thouroughly imbedded in the fabric of this country that it would be impossible to root out and destroy. "The Inuits have been at the helm of the most prolific and powerful mafia known to man. Don't let their toothless playful smiles fool you. They are ruthless. Mad! They are the Seventh Family and now they are after me!"

When we approached Mr. Layton on the steps of the Parliament building to elaborate he screamed while pulling out what's left of his hair, "do you see them? Do you! Arghhhhh!"

Palestinian Demands Assurances for Endless Sex in Heaven

2006-12-28T13:18:00.000-05:00

Inside the Palestinian Headquarters: An Exclusive Moon Zuppa Report.

Somewhere in Palestine - In a murky PLO dungeon, one of its own boy soldiers was about to challenge its authority.

A boy was being praised on this day. "God is Great!" screamed one of the leaders. "It is your turn, my son, to enter paradise," Al Barfarafat Ali-Yak Akk said.

"Sure. But first. May I address you all?"

"Allah is waiting for you my son. So are your personal 72 virgins. Now speak quickly"

Standing before the table garnished with jello of various flavours, the boy felt his superiours were "gypping" Palestinian boys.

"It seems to be there are many virgins here on earth. But after an infinity 72 does't sound all that much. What do we do with all these women once they are used? After all, they are no longer virgins. Unless there is a reset option. What are our guarantees?"

The boys shrewd pragmatism unsettled the PLO braintrust. They became even more so once other boys chime din. One young boy with a hairlip and a walleye asked, "Once they lose their virginity do we get another 72 women?" A dwarf boy asked, "Are there enough whores to last for infinity?" The last boy to stand up convinced the leaders to act when he said, " Yeah. I'll go through all of them in a week. I'm only 17."

Sensing therebellion, one of the leaders nervously stood up. Pushing aside the bones of fallen martyrs that lay suspended from the blood dripping ceiling, he spoke to his recruits. "You must believe everything we say. Do we not feed you punks an endless supply of jello? If it wasn't for us you'd be packaged off as a Kosher meal in Israel. If it will make you all feel better we will sign a contract. But first you must sign this waiver agreement absolving us of any responsibilities."

High fives went all around the room.

That was the end of the question period. The boys went back into a trance like posturing as they began to recite the Koran. The boy looked over to another and said, "I like Cherry jello" and quietly strapped himself with the explosive devices handed to him.

It was just another day in the halls of Palestinian freedom fighters.

Intransigent and Inefficient UN Internally Divided.

2006-12-26T16:46:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

New York - Things are not going so well for the UN these days. For an institution that was supposed to establish a rebalancing of the new world order and replace the Treaty of Westphalia it sure is unbalanced.

The latest squabble at the UN may prove to be too much to overcome. "It seems the UN has two different perspectives on how to reinvent itself," UN analytical expert Todd Matunga explained. "One side is for turning the UN into an amusement park a-la Wildwood, NJ and the other is for simply merging with Disney's 'It's a Small World. The UN has some tough choices ahead," Mr. Matunga concluded.

The last great international body where nations can come and cooperate and discuss world matters in the spirit of greedy interests is dying for a makeover. It can't operate in this manner any longer. They know it and Moon Zuppa knows it. So what are the odds of succeeding?

"Not good. The UN has been frighteningly unable to settle the dispute between two other factions that threatens its feeble existence. Notably and notoriously, rival splinter nations who want the concessions stands to have Sprite replace 7UP have been in all out rebellion mode and this has caused major tension at the UN. It doesn't look good," lamented Mr. Matunga.

In the meantime, this week Disney officials as well as people from La Ronde in Montreal will be presenting their cases.

Dora the Explorer Nabbed at Mexican U.S. Border.

2006-12-23T15:05:00.001-05:00

Disassociated Press -

It seems the Dora the Explorer (aka Spic with the Golden Map) Empire is ready to expand into importing and exporting. The CIA and DEA have kept the reputed children's figure under a close eye recently after they captured Boots in New Mexico setting up a brothel. "Boots was key to the investigation. It seems he and Dora had a falling out. There was a dispute on where to take the empire next. Dora claimed it was in white snow. Boot felt it was in the sex industry. He sang like a monkey," one police officer explained.

Speaking only Spanish, Dora would not comment. All she would say in English is that she is "innocent and charged the CIA with racism."

In a double sting operation with Bolivian police Dora's cousin Diego was caught trafficking cocoa leaves out of Peru. They were destined for the United States. "Diego was apprehended at 3pm local time and was too inebriated to be coherent.

"He smoked an awful lot of those leaves with the local tribe," a covert officer told Moon Zuppa.

It seems there was more to her maps than she let on. Dora and Diego have both been exploring a little too much without bona fide parental supervision.

Canada to Buy Entire Kayak Fleet

2006-12-23T14:57:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Ottawa - Prime Minster Stephen Harper announced this week that his government will purchase the entire stock of Nunavut's Kayak's. Minster of Defense Gordon O'Connor determined that Canada needed to bolster its presence in the arctic. "We Conservatives are sending a message to the Danes and other tin pot countries: back off our Arctic, eh!"

A Liberal babbler dismissed this recent ploy as "Conservatives flexing their muscles. They have gone completely mad in their runaway and reckless wanton need for war."

But why kayaks? A military expert from some school explains. "Well, Canada needed help. Our buying record hasn't been stellar recently so we decided to keep it in house. Our military is stretched. What with one ship already in the Gulf of St, Lawrence it was only logical to go to the Inuit for help." What about increasing defense budget? "Oh no. That won't be necessary. This is a peacekeeping, peace creating country. No one would want to attack us. The kayaks would suffice. Besides, we need the money for health care."

When we contacted the Inuit who sold the kayaks he told us through a translator, "it's not like the kayaks were for sale, eh. We need them for hunting, eh. But the government gave us a check for $2 million. It's not our taxes. It's all net to us. Ka-ching!"

Why wasn't this done sooner? "I guess we figured being sovereign wasn't a lot of work. Poor Dougie. There was so much policing he could do by himself up there with one stick and a whistle. But he has help now. Canada has finally responded."

Despite this recent bold move by the government, the Danish flags still flies on Hans Island. 'With these kayaks we now have the resources, agility and ability to run rampant on the Arctic to defend Canadian interests. Sam Steele would be so proud."

Indeed he would.

Cincinnati Bengals to Change Name to Felons.

2006-12-18T17:30:00.000-05:00

NBA is a Fine Piece of Ass League

2006-12-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

My World.

By Allen Iverson.

Who are all these whitey people bad mouthing my league? The league is my court. Man, none of you know nothing. This is how things are done in my house. If someone dare look at me crooked I will smack them right in the mouth. I'm a businessman. I have my pride and family to protect. It's the same with these superb athletes. They have so much pressure. Tattoos and sawed-off shot guns are just an outlet to blow off steam - and some heads. The media don't know what it's like to live in our world. Just listen to the music. We tell the truth.

Man, teamwork is just propaganda. It's about me. I was told it was about me and ain't no one will change this because it feels good to be me. No one understands me. That's why we brawl in the NBA. We are the true victims in an unforgiving divided nation.

Now everyone will be going off on the NBA. That it's a bad ass league filled with criminals. I say so what? It's what people want and we are in the business of supplying what the people demand. We are entertainers. Stern ain't so stern. He my bitch and he know it.

There is no money in morality. Ask any pasty white cracker like Steinbrenner or Jones. If the profit margins are wide then maybe we'll consider it but until then, violence and sex sells homey's. We have an image to uphold. If that image is about thin-skinned, selfish egoists out to preserve street cred so be it.

The NBA is a fine piece of ass league and there isn't a damn thing wrong with it. Now where's my latte and trade?

The opinions expressed in this stupid piece is definitely reflective of what is going on in the minds of Moon Zuppa's readers and children. They do not necessarily reflect the views of this website.

Budding Terrorist Star takes Al-Queda to Judge Judy

2006-12-15T22:39:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

Hey, we were just flipping through some pages in our favorite terrorist magazine and we found this gem. A teenage terrorist recruit is suing his terror masters for unpaid cell bills and false advertising. It seems the sharp young man is not down with the 72 virgins thing. "It's just not fair. We Arabs are good at math and my math tells me I'm getting screwed," he told me. I'm the guy with Moon Zuppa. He continued. Yes, he has a name but I misplaced the napkin and can't remember how to spell it. "They tell me I'm going to get 72 virgins, right? But I'm also going to live for an eternity. What gives? By the time I get through the virgins they will all be used. What then?"

Good point terror boy. "Also, I expect them to pay my cell bills. I set up so many cells in Canada and incurred thousands in long-distance charges. They only told me about Call Select recently. What cheap bastards."

And what does he think his chances will be? "Hey, I know Judge Judy will be tough. She can be a bitch. But I have my evidence in order. They got nothing. I don't even think they will show up. Half of them are wanted. Allah would prefer the judge be a man but what can we do? We are in the land of the infidel. I'll get my verdict and settle the score with decadent Western culture later."

Terrorism is a serious issue. Come to think of it, 72 virgins to infinity is not a good ratio.

Hugo Chavez's True Identity Revealed!

2006-12-13T21:28:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Turns out Hugo 'I'm not a cheap Eastern European car' Chavez is not who we all thought he was. A hero to the blameless and downtrodden, Mr. Chavez is a charming international political superstar we all have come to love, trust and respect like a taco.

At the recent conference where the 3rd annual 'Tin Pot Nations with Oil' gathered, Chavez got up and revealed his identity. "Yes. The rumours are true. I am the Spanish speaking Darth Vader and George W. Boosh is my son." The shocking revelation sent Arab terrorists, North Koreans and Iranians alike into normal confusion. "From the mother-in-law ship I plan to control the world's shittiest and most pointless countries. Prevent me you may try. Putrid your attempts shall be! You will all sway under my command from now. Release the Storm Troopers!"

There you have it. You heard it hear first.

Dunkin Dough-Nuts

2006-12-10T22:53:00.000-05:00

More Bits.

Commentary by Tim Horton jr.

Dunkin' Doughnuts should change its name to Drunken Nuts. Their latest commercial has people unnerved. The ad has customers standing in line unsure of what they are reading on a menu because it is filled with French and Italian words. A language known as Fritalian. It's a beautiful language and once again Dunkin' Doughnuts is proving its xenophobic ways. I've been to Fritalia down South and it's a beautiful place, filled with beautiful useless people.

In the 1950s DD refused to offer chocolate doughnuts because it was 'black.' Tim Horton's was racially sensitive and we pushed this agenda aside and began to serve chocolate doughnuts in exclusively white Canadian blue-collar towns. We were always forward thinking even though we didn't need to be.

Tim Horton's is proud of the chesse balls in its marketing department. We produce subsidized homegrown commercials that reflect Canadian values. We do not discriminate against anyone. Anyone!

So come to Tim Horton's. We are not racist. We serve Fritalians proudly.

Porn Stars Unite to Fight Abstinence

2006-12-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

Bits and Notes from Here,There and Everywhere.

A commentary by Jack Bone.

Whores are gethering around everywhere to teach young girls the joys of self-empowerment. It seems the theory of abstinence as preached by the godless gargoyles of the Catholic Church are starting to cut into the industry's profits. One of the main arguements posited by these fine actresses is that porn is just a job. They don't people to be conned by what the moral police are forcing upon women.

Indeed, indeed. We must support this initiative. It's a noble cause. At least sluts are giving back to the community as they give so hard on the set.

It is a fact of jealousy for commoners that porn stars have two vaginas. One for work and one for their private lives. They know how to love one and gangbang many. Only a Roman aristocrat could comprehend. Or perhaps a Hollywood star.

Speaking of which, a movie is already being discussed about the plight of this little talked about movement. Word needs to get out and Hollywood is prepared to do what it takes to make this thing happen.

Not so long ago ankles could not be exposed. Now, ankles are the least of our problems.

Letter to the Editor

2006-12-10T22:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Moon Zuppa,

Stop calling me 'Osama.'

Regards,

Obama

Special Terrell Owens Spells Team with an 'I'

2006-12-08T23:52:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Terrell Owens caught a touchdown for the Dallas Cowboys in a 34-7 loss last night. But T.O. wasn't going to let the score line put a damper on his personal achievement. The man intimately known as T.O. was insincerely interviewed by stupid and insipid Moon Zuppa.

"I'm bigger than that white dude with the Bunyan. Whasshisname? Ted Bundy?"

"I think you mean Paul Bunyan."

"Is he the big dude from Minnesota?"

"Yes."

"Then yeah. I'm bigger than him. I'm also a bigger than Kobe."

When I proceeded to ask him about his teammates he interjected. "Come to think of it I'm bigger than the Dallas Cowboys and I look better than the Cowboy cheerleaders - and they're smokin' hot. What's your question, again whitey?"

"I was just going to ask if…"

"Yeah, you know it. I know it. We all know it. I gather more Moss than Moss himself."

"Can you elaborate what you mean by that?"

"I mean, not even Barry Bonds can be as good as me. Not even Ali is as pretty as me. Dang,, those voices in my head…"

"How do you feel the team is doing now?"

"Team?"

"Yes."

'They say there's no 'I' but if you arrange two letters in team you get 'me.'"

Later on that night when the dressing room had been emptied and abandoned and players went on with their lives, Terrell Owens was still talking to himself in the mirror. He looked at me and smiled and said, "that's me pointing back in the mirror." Indeed it was. The one and only.

Disney's "It's a Small World" Thinking Big

2006-12-04T09:36:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

Expect big changes to those little creepy figurines at Disney's "It's a Small World." According to a Disney underground insider the changes are going to be "really big." Moon Zuppa has learned through a leaky source's source that certain nationalities will be amended to "reflect the true sterotypical reality of specific identities."

For example, word is out that Jamaica will be represented by a drug dealer who sings reggae and says "Yeah, man. Cheap." The Irish will have a drunken pugilist with his fists up saying, "wanna fight?" The Italians will have a man making pizza and eating garlic shouting, "hiya doin!" The Chinese will be behind the counter of a cleaner's demanding "pay me now!" The Indians will be represented by Apu at the Quicky-Mart and his famous "thank you come again!".

The French will be laying down their weapons and on their backs making love. The Jews and Scots will showcase two people fighting over a "quarter" found on the floor. The Arabs will have little kids running around with dynamite strapped to their waists.

Despite this, not all communities are pleased.The Polish and Ukranians have filed a grievance to Disney asking why they were not selected. A Disney spokesperson apologized for the sleight and said they are presently working on something that involves "Polish jokes and potatoes. I kinda like the one of the Polish swimmer who can't swim. So he drowns."

"We are covering all angles. We have asked our thinkers to also consider Germans and Scandanavians. Though it is excessively hard to deal with such boring identities."

Moon Zuppa salutes this effort. It's an ambitious project and may all the colours of the world bleed into one red mess.

Headlines

2006-12-04T09:29:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press

-Lone Italian not caught in Mafia drag net says "life has been as ugly as my mother-in-law" since arrests. "Being the only Italian with clean hands in the city has been tough." When he was told that more than half the names on the list were non-Italians he remained unmoved and unimpressed. "Are we losing our grip? Why did we recruit all those immigrant snitches?'

-George Bush, the W one, dresses as Hitler "for kicks" at a private Polish-Jewish party.

-Former PM Jean Chretien still searching for lost marbles.

-Terrell Owens scores touchdown. Claims to be bigger than Kobe Bryant AND Paul Bunyan.

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2006-11-26T11:09:00.000-05:00

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Montreal's 250 000 Italians Arrested in Mafia Sting: Lone Italian Not Arrested Pleads: "Please don't racial profile us. We are not all Mafiosi's!"

2006-11-23T17:20:00.000-05:00

Osama Bin Laden Fed Up With Conspiracy Theorists

2006-11-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Osama Bin Laden issued a stern warning to conspiracy theorists asking them to 'pipe down' as his reputation continues to wane in opinion polls. Al Queda uses a 'Flintstone Scale' to survey people's opinions. A Fred marking means a high approval rating. A Hat Rocks rating means loss of credibility. Right now, Bin Laden is languishing near the bottom with a Mr. Weirdly.

Moon Zuppa cgot its grimey hands on the video as broadcast on Al-Jazeera. "We planned the attacks. We orchestrated the plan to poetic perfection. We're the ones who hurt our coccyx sitting on rocks all day. We took responsibility on live television! Do they not realize our cost of production? We are trying to achieve a world revolution here. Work with us people."

Bin Laden took a sip of milk from a local goat and added, "Man, I knew Americans were gullible this is really bad. It took me and my officers by surprise."

He pauses crosses his arms and continues.

"I mean, come on. Do they really think their own government would do such a thing? Maybe the Canadians are behind 9/11? Ever think of that? Well?"

First For You

2006-11-17T19:52:00.000-05:00

The following is a paid advertisement by The Monarchy Bank of Canada.

At Monarchy Bank we know how devastating losing your home can be. That's why we believe in our 'First to Repossess Program' to ensure that your dream house is properly taken away from you with the least amount of pain. If you know repossession is inevitable why not do it with Canada's most trusted bank?

You don't want the children to see us take your home away from them? No problem. Here at Monarchy Bank we offer day care. You can leave your kids in a friendly environment while we indoctrinate them to join our cult.

It's the first program of its kind and it's a testament to our dedication of making you, our valued and cherished customer, first. We lead the country in housing and commercial properties seizures.

Furthermore, we are excellent at turning our backs on our clients, whom we consider friends, when they need a small business loan or are looking to refinance their mortgage.

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If it is other services you desire, we are pleased to present the Monarch's Insurance Scheme service. With the lowest payout ratios in the nation, our product is second to none.

Here at Monarchy Bank we are also proud of our commitment to the cultural heritage of this great land. We firmly believe in the history of Canada. Just ask our Veterans:

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Losing your home can be a traumatic thing. Why not lose it with the best bank in Canada?

Monarchy Bank: First For You; when you are about to lose everything you live for.

Man Goes on Rampage at Wellness Center

2006-11-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press -

Montreal - Details are sketchy but we do know that a man has gone on a stapler shooting spree. He's 45 and white (actually he's fat, retarded and black but our editors won't allow us to racial profile) and works at Relax Me Yoga Center. Witnesses say he 'just freaked.'

"He just freaked," the owner of the center explained to Moon Zuppa. "The ong namo dev something chant didn't work for him I suppose."

"It was a matter of time before he snapped. Everyone is so calm and docile around here. It's creepy," said one man to Moon Zuppa. Another interjected, "Yeah, there's so much of that 'Sounds of twigs and bark while hare's take a shit in Forest' music one can take."

More to come as we cover the story from a café from across the street.

Farming is all the Rage now

2006-11-12T19:22:00.000-05:00

Disassociated Press-

Beverley Hills - Farming equipment and apparel is all the rage now among celebrities. The lifetsyle sections of many prominent decadent newspapers across the land have been using their spellchecks to ensure that the latest trends are dictated to the masses. All it took was one unimaginative journalist and dimwitted editor to find the courage to print it.

"Look, if it's good enough for trash celebrities it's damn good enough for those losers," the editor of the Comet Sun Herald Gazette told Moon Zuppa. "People will like what we tell them to like."

Many Hollywood stars have taken to the new style of the 21st century. "Farmers, are like, so, um, you know, important. Where would we get our peaches from if there were no farmers? Trees?" said Susan Sarandon. "Farmer's are 50% of our economy and 50% of our hearts," added Charlie Sheen. When Moon Zuppa asked where he got those figures he responded while rolling his eyes, "You know, you're a bunch of jerks. Even if the numbers are off they oughta be that way." Even T.O. is in on the rage. Dressed as a scarecrow and eating cob Owens yelled, "Give me the damn ball!"

Stocks of companies who deal and operate in the farming industry rose today. "The sale of overalls, straw hats, gloves, pitch forks, and rakes are sky rocketing," said one store owner. "People are carrying them around like they do purses or umbrellas. IT's crazy. I had one girl come in screaming for her mother to buy her a designer hoe."

The major fashion houses in Europe are firmly on board. "People are jaded. They hate Bush for killing all the farmer's. In a way we want to create an outfit that reflects that angst. That return to a simpler time," Caca Channell said through an interpreter as she held a dead skunk in her arms. "If people don't buy my clothes they are not cool."

"Well, it's not the way we wanted to revive farming but I suppose it will have to do. We have all sorts of celebrities calling us for tractor lessons and planting excursions. They treat it like a resort. They think they are progressive I guess," the legendary Farmer Brown said as he responded to all the attention his profession is getting.

"We're the oldest profession in the world. Older than prostitution. The argicultural revolution made man healthier and shinier. We're proud of this."

Will be Back Shortly: Trying to Figure out a Creative Edge

2006-10-29T21:38:00.000-05:00

"Our History"

2006-10-13T15:48:00.000-04:00

History is usually written by the victorious. The losers are fed shit. But the tiny nation of Helvicta (so tiny it's not even on the map) has decided to face its history dead on. For the first time, the puny, useless nation that recently converted to democracy from the seigneur system is sending its ambassador on a tour of North America.

"Wow. So much greenery! We're not exactly known as brave warriors. In fact, we're probably the world's greatest clowns and cowards," Yully Guusspiper said through an interpreter on Parliament Hill.

Helvicta is an island that had the misfortune of being geographically placed in the middle of history. "Everyone invaded and raped our country. It was a truck stop for invading armies. We have almost nothing left. Only genetic remnants of other cultures."

Its defenses were always scant at best as mercenaries were relied upon to defend its beaches. "Mercenaries never really cared. We had no clue what was going on. It wasn't a good mix in hindsight. It reminds me of Canada and their steadfast belief that they don't need a military. How do they know if the Inuit or Cree won't attack?"

History wasn't kind to Helvicta. But with a new public dental plan in place and French being taught as a second military language, the country is ready to move on. "Once we ran to the hills to defend servitude, to preserve the ideology of indecisiveness and fragment a nation. Today, we remain as cowardly as ever and we want this to be remebered."

Zinadine Zidane has been asked to speak at tonight's ball. He has accepted. The topic will be about how to blame others for your cowardice.

North Korea Looking A-Okea!

2006-10-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press - FROMTHEEDITORS;FROMTHEEDITORS,FROMTHEEDITORS.

Vermont - Now that North Korea has joined the exclusive nuclear club, it has never been more popular. "It feels good to be recognized. It doesn't matter what they say about you. As long as they talk about you," a North Korean official said.

We agree. Why shouldn't they have the bomb? The bomb has given so much pleasure to so many.

North Korea is not being defiant. They are merely exercising their unstable right to make a bomb. There is no doubt the U.S. is to blame here. The media too. They have kept real information away from its own people. Just like how my mother kept me away from school - whore that she was.

North Korea is not a bad country. Just a boorishly misunderstood one. A nation that loves to grow dead flowers and that starves and gropes its own people can only help to help eradicate world poverty. "We don't have much but we are willing to give up what we have," one offcial said. Its leader is astonishingly all-knowing and wickedly wonderful. It is about time we in the West begin to appreciate the country that is North Korea.

God bless North Korea even though they are godless communists. We at Moon Zuppa kinda welcome North Korea into the foray of endarkened and irrational nations.

In other news, Nino the Donkey has died. Nino was famous for playing table soccer (Fussball) in and around the Sicilian countryside. His radiant smile and smelly breath will forever be remembered by rustic locals. A memorial service will be held to honour the former all-star ass tomorrow.

Guest Writer

2006-10-04T21:07:00.000-04:00

Occasionally Moon Zuppa likes to invite an aspiring journalist who has no hope in life to write for us. It makes us laugh and it makes the person feel better about their horribly pointless life.

Living Among the Cripples

By: Herbert Beaudette

When I was given the chance to write for a magazine I leapt for joy. I didn't care what I wrote about or for whom. I just want to express myself. To maybe change the life of some poor sap. Of some stupid kid sitting in a desk somewhere staring out of a class window. I want to reach that kid. Boy or girl. Straight or gay. Black or white. Asian or normal. Cripple or normal. It doesn't mater much to me.

The editor of the magazine was a sweet lady. So young and full of love for God's creatures. She wore a questionable outfit. Her colour coordination was way off. She looked mighty idiotic. How was she supposed to entice me into banging her?

Now, you might being saying to yourself 'how can he be writing about a family magazine out to help the less fortunate by writing like this? Hey, it's my piece. I want what I want. I write what I want. I want what I write. Capeesh?

Anyway, the fucking girl did not want to shut-up. I could not get a word in. I had no idea what she wanted from me. I had all these fucking retards around me with an aossrtment of conditions and an editor who could and would not shut her trap.

I tune out and wondered what would be a good way to shut her trap. Like that freak in the Twilight Zone who shut people up by sewing their mouths shut. But I have no such powers so I fantasized about other means. I imagined myself smashing a can on her face. Or possibly punching her straight on her teeth. What about just ripping her top off? I know for sure my cock would cork her just fine.

I decided against it. Somehow I did not think it would work. I got my assignment. I'm looking forward to it.

Name Changes Confuses Nationalists

2006-10-02T09:38:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Toronto- The Canadian Football League is considering a name change. "In order to enhance the league's branding power we've decided to call ourselves the American Football League," Commissioner Tom Wright intimately confided to Moon Zuppa as he purchased Pepto-Bismal at Wal-Mart. "Season ticket sales jumped two-fold since we announced the plan. Toronto thinks they are getting an NFL team. We hoodwinked them."

The CFL has lived a precarious existence for several decades. It was a fun league. A quiet league. A league that has seen both greater and sadder times. Like when Dudley was 'touched' by Mr. Carlson on Diff'rent Strokes.

Predictably, fans were upset at the change, "Damn Yankees! They are ruining our lives! I can't take shit anymore without them staring at me," said one Northern Manitoba (we think) man. As the opposition mounted - Moon Zuppa counted 16 people at one point - during the day officials jumped into action.

The new American representative swiftly stepped forward. "Free bus passes for one-month to any Tim Horton's in the Regina area!" A mad scramble ensued. "Maybe this won't be such a bad league after all," a person draped in Canadian flag said kissing the coupons. And what about the flag? "Um, yeah. I wear it for the red contours that match my hair, eh?"

Sure you do.

Not to be outdone Canadian Tire is also mulling over a name change to entice and attract investors. The proposal would be to change its name to 'American Tire.'

Moon Zuppa's Shocking Survey

2006-09-27T16:52:00.000-04:00

It has come to our attention that an unusual amount of males urinate while sitting. "It's disturbing quite frankly," Alessandro Nicolo said to himself. "It seems the main reason for this new social behaviour is to avoid afterpiss. Afterpiss tends to leak down the side of the leg if the penis is not shaken properly. Especially if in a rush and if boxers are worn," Mr. Nicolo added.

Moon Zuppa has yet to publish the exact figures but we are presently working on an apple pie chart. However, we do have advanced ourselves a copy leaked to us by an insider. The numbers are indeed startling. A whoppingingly staggering 65% of men admitted to peeing while sitting down. 30% of men stand tall as they take a whiz. We're unsure of what takes place for the unaccounted remaining 5%.

Alessandro, editor here at Moon Zuppa, is expecting to expand his research. "In a time where men enjoy womanly activities such as masturbation, baking and manicures, it is not surprising that men would want to pee like women. And as far as I can tell it's only going to increase once men see the practicality in sitting to piss. Come to think of it, I wonder if the same phenomena is happening among the ladies."

14 people were surveyed.

Stronach to Moon Zuppa: "I did not have relations with that hockey player. Wait. What do you mean by 'relations' exactly?"

2006-09-26T23:56:00.000-04:00

She also added, "I am not a homewrecker. I'm more of a shipwrecker. Wait. What's a homewrecker?"

Intriguing Homeland Security Initiative in Works

2006-09-26T23:42:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

New York City - Republicans and Democrats have finally agreed on a new project as part of a Homeland Security initiative. "With the Bat signal, we can call Bat-Man anytime now", George Bush explained to a pond scrum through an interpreter.

For some reason, Al Gore spoke on behalf of Democrats. "With this joint effort, we are telling idiot Americans that we can all get together invent imaginative agreements."

Not to be outdone, Howard Dean chimed in with his thoughts from Northern Vermont. "This is fine. But they should have added a Superman signal too." When told that Superman does not have an official signal Dean could only let out a loud, creepy yelp.

Democrats are divided on which super hero they prefer. Several other Democrats stepped forward but they may as well have been speaking Old English. We had no clue what they were saying.

The estimated cost of the new signal is approximately $24 million Canadian dollars. The Americans will take this idea to Parliament and present Prime Minister Stephen Harper, who is on vacation in the arctic learning to throat sing with the Inuit, with a plan to extend the signal to Ottawa.

"It'll be so cool," Bush concluded before ordering a hot-dog. "But does Bat-Man exist?" Moon Zuppa asked. Bush stared up to the blue-green sky and said, "I hope so. For our sake, I really hope he does."

Canadian officials could not be reached for comment. No one was around.

Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and the other guy meet in Havana

2006-09-24T00:08:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

The world's three most enlightened intellectual leaders met for a week to 'smoke cigars and play with chiquita's' as one spokesperson put it. "Too bad North Korea is not here. They have done so much for the earth and starving people everywhere," Hugo intimated through a megaphone as he scratched his scrotum.

The purpose of the meeting was to devise a plan to perpetually ensure that the Three Stooges, as they want to be known, remain 'friends forever.'

Strangely, a cardboard pin up of Castro followed the three men around the city. As the day progressed, the strain of thinking too much clearly took its toll on them. Chavez soon began to drink oil from a flask. "Oil and a dash of lime. De-lish."

Chavez soon flew to New York to address the Dis-United Nations where he proclaimed his love for Nicole Ritchie and hatred for key lime pie.

He is winning friends among many celebrities. Barbara Streisand said, "We need more men like Chavez. He's funny too. He keenly observed my nose and asked if I can sniff cocaine out in luggage at an airport. For some reason he seemed serious." Sean Penn, who now suffers from schizophrenia, morphed into his alter-ego Spiccoli before our eyes. "Hey, like wo dudes. This Hugo guy is really cool. Fight authority dudes!"

Filmythmaker Michael Moore is already working on a documentary fairy tale about the 'man and the legend.' "He can apparently drink a pint of oil while singing 'Mary had a Little Lamb.' I'd like to see that mamma's boy Bush do that,' an impressed Moore said. The title of the new film is '2 Degrees Celsius.' "I chose celsius because I know many Americans are too stupid or busy praying to understand the title. I think it's very clever because I am smart. It also points to the cold, callous and calculating nature of my movie style."

Tyra Banks Ready for Bigger Challenges

2006-09-20T14:17:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Beaming with confidence and radiant with over confidence after her ground breaking interview with the accomplished Nicole Ritchie Tyra Banks says she's ready for anything. "I care. I care a lot. Caring helps me to be a better person and a better interviewer and a better speaker and a batter cook. That's what makes me different. I'm a star. A snazzy star. A caring star. Just like Oprah and Katie. I'm like the female Tony Danza of talk shows." She was asked who she would like to tackle next. "You mean in bed?" she demured and winked. She continued, "I would like to talk to a muppet."

Moon Zuppa thought she already spoke to a muppet in Ms. Ritchie. Following the interview, Moon Zuppa was kindly escorted out of the bathroom following the conclusion of her conversation with a friend.

Moon Zuppa Desperately Looking for Writers and Reporters

2006-09-20T14:10:00.000-04:00

Do you like to work in a hip and a relaxed atmosphere? Do you appreciate being part of a professional team? Do you wish to work in an enironment that caters to your creative pulses?

Then Moon Zuppa is not the place for you. You see, here at MZuppa we're retarded. We have no clue about what we are doing or saying. Alessandro thinks he has editing standards but he's just a damn fool. A court jester. He often comes in to work in his pjamas eating a maple doughnut shouting, 'Go with it!' at anything we present him.

What we need are committed (preferably with proof) people who can make this promising paper more promising.

Parliament is Introduced New Bill by Noble NDP

2006-09-18T13:07:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Ottawa - On the steps of Parliament Hill Moon Zuppa could hear the motion for a new bill put forth by the New Democratic Party. Just to make sure our ear drums were functional we managed to speak to some NDP representatives. "We are a humble folk. A kind folk. We are also very noble. That is why we have demanded this bill be accepted by the sitting government. You heard correctly," an NDP spokesfreak confirmed with MZuppa.

The proposal is an intriguing one. "We feel that in order to make reparations for slavery and unholy conquerings blacks and natives should be allowed to have whites as slaves. It's the only way to quell the white man's arrogant burden," Jack Layton screamed from a window in the Parliament building.

Moon Zuppa shouted back and asked if the NDP were going to be enslaved. Mr. Layton laughed hardily and said, "Fat chance!" We then hollered back, "Isn't saying 'fat' not politically correct?" Layton rolled his eyes, "You guys don't get it. The government doesn't get it. This interview is over!"

Once the alcohol wore off, Jack Layton apologized and said that his words were taken out of context. However, his state of mind continues to baffle insiders as he closed by saying, "That's what happens when your border is too close to America. One minute you're asking for apple pie made with red apples the next thing you know it's made with yellow apples. Where's my butler? Where's Benson?"

Letters to MoOn zUpPa

2006-09-18T09:23:00.000-04:00

And some bad holesome advice.

Dear Moon Zuppa,

This is CAIR demanding preemtpive action by apologizing in advance for any mean comments made towards Islam or we will kill you. Kidding. Also, please make your Pope apologize. All we want is to be loved.

Anonymous (Like we didn't know)

Moon Zuppa answers: Um, we apologize that you feel that way. As you know we are secular Christians already heading to hell so there is little we can do. However, we just issued a fatwah demanding that all people bend over and take it up the ass for any ill remarks made to you. All we can do is sit and wait. Thankfully, no one reads this site. Once again, we are truly and sincerely sorry that we treat you badly. Really. Sorry. We don't know what else to say. So we'll stop here. Ok? Bye. Sorry.

Dear Mr. Zuppa,

My mother says you are not a real news site. She also says you're a bunch of immature babies. Is she a bitch?

Ricky in Idaho

Ricky, first of all who's Mr. Zuppa? Are you stupid? And second, yes. Your mother is a bitch. Please send sweet potato pie.

Dear Zuppa,

Not a day doesn't go by where I don't lament Americans and capitalism. What should I do? I can't even take bubble baths in peace anymore. I'm going crazy. I'm lost without my Nazi handbook.

Gunter Grass

Gunter, in our collective numbness Moon Zuppa feels for you. But there's nothing we can do for you. You see, you are crazy. You are mentally an idiot. We can offer you a special bubble bath made with spruce and ragweed. And it's MOON ZUPPA jerk.

Deer Monn Zupa,

Um, Im like todaly hot and luv to suk Ben an' Jerry's isecreem. I wood like to spel bedder.

Signed Maureen's mother Mrs. Epstein-Dowd.

Maureen, you're in luck. Moon Zuppa now offers writing courses given by the Institute of Better Writing for Journalists who have no business having the power they hold. Even though we feel you have deeper problems. We trust you will find it insightful and scary. It only costs $5! Now, stop harrassing us.

Muslim Men Fight for Rights to Wear Burqua's

2006-09-07T20:08:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

"It's a fight they say we can't win. But we'll pray to the East until our knees bleed," swore Al-Hassa Quereb Mapeen. "We should not be discriminated against. We should be able to express ourselves the way we choose."

Readers may be unaware of the fact that Muslum men have been fighting a secret war for centuries to be allowed to wear a burqua. What is seen strictly as women's duty, has now become a growing debate among men. "NO! We are not gay," Mr. Mapeen emphatically denied despite his constant gazing at every man who passes by. "No, no. I am merely acknowledging that Islam is a religion of peership," he nervously added. When pressed by Moon Zuppa of his obvious flaming persona, Mr. Mapeen scoffed with a chuckle. "So, I have exquisite taste in pillow sheets. So what? Let's not deviate from the real issue here. That of winning the right to wear a burqua without being ridiculed."

Moon Zuppa inquired about why it's taking so long to make inroads to Mr. Mapeen. He answered, "Ah, come on. We all know the Jews and Bush are preventing it. Damn, Zionist occupiers." Is there any chance they will prevail? "It's hard to tell. Being gay, er, happy and Muslim is a tough gig, man. We'll see. Our first job was to get our cause to the public. Once we secure public support we will take the next step." And if public support is not forthcoming? "Do you have to ask? We know how to manipulate the infidels through our shish-taouks."

Um, no. Moon Zuppa prays to the East also that public support will rally behind Mr. Mapeen's group. Or else.

MOON ZUPPA SUPPORTS JASON ANTEBI

2006-09-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

All work and no play make Moon Zuppa very horny for freedom of speech. We feel like pinching the ass of some fine liberal honey.

People have lost their fanatical fucking minds AND their fallen sense of humour. A humourless society is joyless and intellectually bankrupt. PC = KA-FUCKING-CHING!

Remember, it can happen to anybody with a smile. Jason, we're with you brother. Whatever that's worth.

Liquid Plumber Unveils New Line

2006-09-03T18:54:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

The legendary clearer of sink pipes feels it has finally solved a nagging problem that has persisted for thousands of years. "We are confident that Liquid Plumber for Nagging Women and LP for Nagging Wives will solve many of man's troubles," a Liquid Plumber board member explained to this news organization.

How does it work? Simply open the mouth of a fine lady and pour. Wait 15 minutes. Waiting periods can vary and reach one hour depending on the degree of nagging. If needed, use plunger to suck out the little nagging gnome in her throat.

Testimonial:

"When my boyfriend hunted me down in the house, I did not know what to expect. I was so busy chirping. I have to say our relationship is so much healthier now ever since he crammed Liquid Plumber for Nagging Women down my trap. I feel so alive and I lost 10 pounds!" Maureen Dowd.

Testing to see if Censorship Works

2006-09-01T15:32:00.000-04:00

Hello, George Bush. We don't know you and you don't know us. It's better that way since we know where you live. We are an underground secret society that lives above ground and worships the word 'Bush' - though a different kind of bush. Heh-heh - and we kindly invite you to one of our open-house seminars about how the shampoo industry is really a terrorist network. In fact, we believe America is nothing but an alien front to secretly become Jewish. We also plan to drink and bath in oil with posters of you all over the place. Your government sucks and you stink. Our anger is real. Stop occupying our minds.

Now let's see if we get a message from CSIS or Homeland Security.

Sean Penn Storms Moon Zuppa HQ

2006-09-01T15:20:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Somewhere in Northern Saskatchewan - Ladies and gentlemen, two Hollywood actors have taken Moon Zuppa hostage. Details are sketchy at this time. So far we can only deduce who they may be. One has been heard shouting, "I am Spiccoli! Moon Zuppa is a right-wing neo-con operation! Tom Cruise told us this! We demand that Moon Zuppa change its ways! We are a powerful hypocritical censorship group! We know the truth about EVERYTHING, suckers. And bring us fucking salad. We're starving here! Is this Guadalajara Bay? I can't believe this torture! We storm you're place and you treat us this way? Unbelieveable. Vote for Dean you sickos!"

An unidentified man who remained eerily calm told one Moon Zuppa reporter at spoon point, "If you don't stop writing about us you will leave us no choice but to move to France! Is that what you want? 'Cuz if it is this is what you'll get. No more movies from us! Viva la revolucion de bored millionarios!"

We will keep you posted as this story develops. What has this inverted perverted world become? We have contacted the SPCA after Social Services Canada refused to help saying, "No way, man. Those guys are mental, man. We're staying out of this one. Call the SPCA. Those guys are used to picking up roadkill. Good luck."

Porn Man Pimps new Promotion for Profession

2006-08-31T12:50:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

California - Timber Jones has a lot to show the world. "I'm not just about gangbangs. I'm about so much more," he said into a tape recorder purchased by Moon Zuppa in 1986. Mr. Jones is a star in the world of pornography. "I prefer the term 'Amourous Services." This man rooted in deep thought and penetration says it's all part of a plan to professionalize and eventually legitimize his career. And how does he intend to accomplish this? "The Viagra people want to advertise during one of my scenes. We're not sure how we'll do it but some suggestions have been made." Such as? "Viagra: The Pop a Stiff Wunder Drug would be plastered on the screen. Another has Viagra painted on my dick. Stuff like that."

When is this new idea schedule to take place for the first time? "In September. We're in production right now with a couple of the girls from Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives. They jumped at the chance to do it. There isn't a whole lot of difference between what we do and what they do. We're going to make television history together."

National Party Time in Canada!

2006-08-29T22:28:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Ottawa- Prime Minister Stephen Harper has announced that his party will be switching sides with the Bloc Quebecois for one solid month. "We figure it's a great way to understand what exactly Quebec wants. Walking in another man's destroyed shoes is really important." When asked about the language barrier a Conservative spokesperson named Debbie said that "speaking 'white' won't be an issue for those Qweebekers."

For their part, the Bloc see an opportunity to fool Western Canada into believing that their party actually matters. "It's like a political trojan condom," Gilles Duceppe said giggling. "Don't you mean 'horse'?" Moon Zuppa asked. Duceppe was confused by the question and answered, "Huh? Are you anti-Quebec?"

Not to be outdone, the Liberals and NDP struck their own deal. "We all babble the same gibberish anyway. The truth is that any of the three and a quarter national parties could have switched clothes. We're all fucking crossdressers when you think of it," Scott Brison intimated to us off but on the record. "If you think the Americans were confused with our crass behaviour before what'll they see this crap!" a Liberal backbencher yelled. The NDP, led by their fearless leader Jackie Layton, were still roaming around Parliament looking for the light switch and could not be reached for comment.

September should be a lot of sad fun.

Pluto Demoted. Student Fails.

2006-08-25T18:30:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

A student in a pretend school failed his stupid science project after he included Pluto in his galaxy of planets. "Here at Northern Pike Elementary we do not stand for mediocrity. The student exhibited gross intellectual negligence. We have notified the New York Times. The grade stands," Principal Rina Martin defiantly revealed in a press conference today. When asked about why he added Pluto, Sam Samuel was confused. "I mean, when I went to bed we had nine planets. When I woke up we had eight. But by then it was too late to change my project as it was due that day." For her part, Sam's mother added,"L'il Sammy just wants to put this behind him. It was a good lesson for him. Don't ever take things for granted."

Protestors marched on to school property demanding the child get an 'A'. "I'm worried what this'll do to his morale when he's older. Besides, who cares about Pluto? It's the pinky toe of planets. It's completely useless," one protestor said. The second one offered this observation. "Planets are over rated. We have nine too many."

As for Sammy? "I'll be alright. Tonight my lawyers will determine who we will sue. So in the end we may end up winners even though the planets lost a friend."

Moon Zuppa salutes you Pluto! We hardly knew ya.

Op-Ed by Alessandro Nicolo

2006-08-23T17:28:00.000-04:00

I was wandering around a local playground with a cap and sunglasses the other day. With my hands inside the pockets of my favorite 14 year-old hooded sweater, I also recently took a night walk in a wealthy neighbourhood. The culmination of my thoughts on both those walks made me realize that I'm very fucking smart. Just like that I recognized that my mind operates better than anybody's. Not everyone can understand the sweet sublime complexities of such a smashing news agency. Don't feel bad. Not everyone can start up a multi-cented dollar idea like Moon Zuppa. I'm just better. That's why the cops are always pulling me over. They know this to be true.

This editorial does reflect the views of this station.

Read What (In)Famous Human Beings are saying about Moon Zuppa!

2006-08-20T19:57:00.000-04:00

DP -

"This site is so like not it." Paris Hilton

"Moon Zuppa is an example about everything that is wrong in satire and tax planning." Noam Chomsky

"We don't get it." The View

"Moon Zuppa is a danger to multilateralism. We request they pull out." Kofi Annan

"Genius! In a retarded way." Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Phil

"Moon Zuppa is like an Oreo cookie. You just can't keep from eating, licking and spreading it all over your tits." Jessica Simpson

"Some of the most independent insightful garabge around." The Economist

"Some fine herbal piece of ass writing." The Quill Lake Sentinel

Glenn Reynolds Spotted Stealing Street Musician's Guitar Case

2006-08-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Montreal -Running down the street awkwardly, witnesses heard Mr. Reynolds giggling to himself, "there has to be at least 10, 20, a kahillion bucks in here! Je suis riche! Je suis riche!"

New Look at Moon Zuppa

2006-08-13T21:19:00.000-04:00

Moon Zuppa is proud to report the news that matters most to nobody. While hyped-up on melatonin, it's something we take very semi-seriously. We pick up all the discarded and under valued news and we bring it you - the people who figure the least in the grand scheme of things. Here at Moon Zuppa we strive to be edgy and provocative. That's why the men who write for this paper will report to work dressed in women's clothes and vice-versa. We also plan to have monkey's serve us in a decadent lounge. It's innovative ideas such as these ignoble ones that make us who we are. We serve you. Enjoy and participate!

Quote: Man Fears Chicken

2006-08-11T21:49:00.000-04:00

"I ain't fucking touching that shit no more. I don't want to turn into no chicken. I'm a man. A brave man. Chicken is poooltry - it's not even meat. Fuck that. From now on it's nothing but beef'n beer."

Ronny Ribbit claiming that eating chicken will turn you into a coward, a pussy and a chicken shit.

Classic Games Offer New Ideas to Reflect Times

2006-08-10T13:25:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

A new take on a classic boardgame is set to launch soon.

We've all screamed and cried 'You've sunk my Battle Ship!" But times have been hard for the makers of the game. "It's a daring concept we know but sales have sunk - excuse the pun."

So what's the big idea? "We've decided to arm the ships with actual bombs. Nothing exaggerated. Just enough to make a point," a marketing exec told Moon Zuppa. Apparently studies have shown that customers no longer appreciate plastic toys. They want state of the art weaponry to accompany their games. As one client put it "Dammit, I'm paying for it and that's what I want! Some Tommy Guns wouldn't be a bad idea, either. But all these left-wing, bleeding heart pinkos won't allow it. It's my money!"

Needless to say, executives were pleased with the market studies. "We think there'll be an explosion in sales. We're pretty aggressively happy about this."

As a result of this innovation, 'Operation' is including a live human for every game they sell. "We feel there is a doctor deficit in the world and this is a way for us to somehow help out. We have some legal and insurance issues to iron out but all in all we have many suicidal candidates that are willing to do this. The game may inspire some kids to go into medicine," an anonymous CEO with the company explained over the phone. "We may also increase the voltage on the board. It will entice and encourage people to ensure a steady hand."

We'll let you know, gulp, what 'Risk' decides.

The One and Only Rudy Klujiak: An Interview

2006-07-31T18:29:00.000-04:00

Rudy Klujiak has a dream and Moon Zuppa found it to be a wonderful dream. Without dreams we are bewildered, pitiful monsters roaming the earth aimlessly in search of blackberries and nuclear weapons. If you don't have a dream you may as well wear a diaper on your head to contain all the brain shit that will ooze out.

Moon Zuppa: "Mr. Klujiak..."

Klujiak: "Please. Rudy. But you can call me Rud.

MZuppa: "Ok. What is the origin of your name?"

Klujiak: "My parents gave it to me, eh. They at first wanted to name me Seed because I looked like one, you see, but they settled on Rudy."

MZUppa: "We meant your heritage."

Klujiak: "I'm Inuit. But you may know us as 'Eskimo' since you are all racists toward my people, eh."

MZuppa: "We race alright. So, tell us about your dream."

Klujiak: "Which one? I have so many."

MZuppa: "The one you contacted us about."

Klujiak: "The one about making love to Oprah like a walrus on the sexual prowl?"

MZuppa: "Hmm. Interesting. Tell us more."

Klujiak: "Well, I have this reoccuring dream where I bang the living hell out of Oprah on her couch with my totem pole, eh. You know, the ones on her set? Not only that. Women from the audience join in too. But the plot has a sinister twist to it."

MZuppa: "What's that?"

Klujiak: "I don't know if I should say this. Aren't children reading?"

MZuppa: "Possibly. Probably not Inuit children given their low literacy rates. We are affiliated with many schools through Scholastics across the country. But hey...kids will have to learn sooner or later, eh?"

Klujiak: "I guess. It seems I unload so much cum on her that she suffocates from the sheer weight of the gooey magic, eh."

MZuppa: "Wow. You may as well tell us about your plan to rank people."

Klujiak: "Sure. My dream is to rank all the people on earth according to their height."

MZuppa: "Interesting. Ambitious?"

Klujiak: "Yes. There are many, many people on the planet and not all have telephones but I think, with the help of my ancestors, I can pull it off."

MZuppa: "You'll travel the world?"

Klujiak: "With my kayak. I must first figure out what to do in the event of more than one person having the same height. I'm sure that will happen.....eh"

MZuppa: "Indeed it will. So why this dream? Why now?"

Klujiak: "Gosh, you know, um like everyone is doing something these days so I figured I may, you know, as well, um, do something. Everyone is always ranking countries. But no one ever thought to do it for people. I don't give a damn about countries. There is so much antler carving one can do. Now is as good a time as any. Everyone is fascinated by it. Peter Mansbridge hasn't stopped leaving me messages to do an interview. I told him if he can eat seal blood pudding without gaggin I'll do it. Great guy that Pete. The View too have been coming after me. I'd like to give them a room with a view to my...."

MZuppa" "Any other dreams in the works?"

Klujiak: "Actually, I want to rank the countries who go to the bathroom the most."

MZuppa: "Sounds like fun. Good Luck, Mr. Klu..er, Rud."

Klujiak: "You remembered! Want to be my best friend?"

Special Report: Superfriends Sex Scandal Rudely Rocks Regressive Hall of Justice

2006-07-27T15:55:00.000-04:00

Wild parties, drugs and orgies. Things you see at your neighbour's house you say? The old Saturday Night Live cast? At Bill and Hilary Clinton's third home? Try the Hall of Justice. New raw, red-hot, revelations close to our sources' sources have revealed the truth behind the walls of the HOJ. "Aquaman was the first to speak out," one aspiring super-hero in training who wished to remain anonymous said. "I myself often saw Wonder Woman sneaking from room to room with nothing but her top and lasso hanging out of her ass."

"These accusations are simply untrue," a spinster for the Hall said. "We flatly deny these mean spirited allegations. We don't know who started them but we have our suspicions." When we pushed her for more information she intimated "evil Aquaman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Superman and Mossad were possibly behind this."

The two hip but hoary heroes at the center of the controversy are the Halls two greatest gurus - Superman and Batman. They are thought to be the ones who organized the decadent parties modeled on Roman orgies like the ones Caligula and Nero gave.

"They're all whores. They all want to sleep their way to the top. Just like any VP or Hollywood actress. Batty and Soopy knew this. If you wanted in you had to put out. No big deal. I did it all the time," Rima the Jungle Girl confided in a soft, hush tone. "But I knew things were getting out of hand when they invited Giganta to partake. She's just too big," she sighed.

Batman and Superman could not be reached for comment. However Robin - Batman's beloved bitch - did comment. "I don't know what Aquaman's angle is. I really don't. He's been complaining that he hasn't had enough assignments lately and that he's fed up of the 'sleeping and swimming with the fishes' jokes. But the reality is that only 15% of our cases happen in water. He's useless otherwise."

While searching for his ring, Green Lantern for his part is convinced that any of Brainiac, Solomon Grundy, Lex Luthor or Mr. Mxyzptlk are behind the rumours. He said there was no truth to the rumour of him changing his name to Fuscia Lantern.

A police spokesperson told reporters, "indeed, everyone has their own theory but we'll only get to the truth once we get in the HOJ."

One of the more bizarre charges is the one involving six screwy shlepps - Wendy, Harris, Wonderdog, Zan, Jayna (aka the Wonder Twins) and Gleek. "It seems that they were a target of cruel perpetual hazing," Police Chief Ed Maroon told Moon Zuppa. "Many times they were told they would take on a big case only to find out they had to do laundry or go pick up pizza."

How this will affect the HOJ is yet to be seen. President Bush is preparing to address the nation tonight. The State Department did say that America's (and Canada's) security will not be jeopardized too much. "The Hall of Justice is committed to killing every rat terrorist alive. Green Lantern and Green Arrow are on their way to South Lebanon as we speak."

Later on that day, Moon Zuppa reached Spider-Man, The Thing and Captain America at a local bar they frequent. "It's a damn shame," Captain America said. "I have to go blog about this." The Thing added, "Me mad! Me want hard banana." As for Spider-Man all he would say is that it's been years he felt the HOJ needed to be purged of its vices and restructured. "That's what power and fame does I guess."

The reaction on the streets is one of shock and dismay. "Gosh, the HOJ was the only institution worth cumming on. Now they're just like the UN. What a shame," one citizen lamented.

Yes, but how do we get invited?

Quebec's Language Police Seeks Additional Powers; Asks for More Rulers

2006-07-21T20:08:00.000-04:00

Disturbing humourous news oozed out of Quebec City this morning. It seems as though L'Office de la Langue Française - the dreaded and notorious language police - is looking to broaden its powers to harrass and fine law abiding citizens. "We feel it is appropriate," Guy Bouthillier stated fangs and all in a matter of fact tone to us.

It seems that the Office that protects the French language is running out of rulers. "We've have put in a new order at Stapl, er, Bureau en Gros at the expense of the Federal government. They owe us for the misery they have caused our people," a crusty, impolite lady eating a Joe Louis* said through a translator. The feds in return had this to say. "Really? How awful. They ran out of rulers? The poor bastards. Of course we will reimburse them. We may not agree with them but they do good work. Every society needs their own Brown and Black shorts. No wait, shirts. That's it black shirts in waiting," one lost civil servant explained.

The Office is also seeking to expand their powers by asking the government to legislate a law where if English is spoken louder than French this results in an automatic $45 fine and a paid subscription to the Journal de Montréal. Members of Quebec's National Assembly could not be reached for comment as they were debating whether unions are in fact beneficial to society. We did manage to elicit this comment from the Parti Québecois, "Va dont chier, gang de maudit anglophone. Des regles sons importants pour nous. Comprenez-vous, tabernak?" Loosely translated? "I'm a fat, bald, tired man with little ideas."

*For our American audience, Joe Louis is the Quebec equivalent to a Twinkie.

Violence at Old Folks Home Perplexes Band

2006-07-21T19:52:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Deerfield, Florida - "This was by far our most violent encounter with fans," lead singer of the New York Dolls David Johansen said following the fiasco. "Yeah, it was like fucking wapred man. Canes were swinging. Wheelchairs spiralling out of control with no one in them. It was like an Edgar fucking Poe novel," added guitarist Johnny Thunders. It seems the problem started when those in attendance began to shout out requests. "They were, like, asking for Judy Collins and Judy Garland. So we ripped into our version of 'Somewhere over the rainbow'," Sylvain Sylvain recounted. "It was all down hill from there."

24 old people were arrested for disturbing the peace in this quiet condo town. Many were hurling expletive compacted words at the band. "We don't know what got into them," Dr. Pissarella told Moon Zuppa. "As far as we can tell they all had their hot milk and went to the bathroom before the show started."

"It was not nice of them. We've changed. Why can't they? It's like we all have a personality crisis now," Johansen confided in a tender moment of pontification. "We're not the same hams last seen in 1973 dressed like freakish little girls. We're about peace and love now." "It's all about that now," Thunders continued finishing Johansen's sentence while comforting his friend as they both stared out the window while staffers rounded up the elderly gone mad.

Attention: Moon Zuppa will soon have naked waitresses entertaining you while you read.

2006-07-21T19:40:00.000-04:00

"Well, we haven't quite figured how we'll do it but god fucking dammit we're going to fricken try," spokesperson for Moon Zuppa Alessandro Nicolo told Moon Zuppa. "Serveuses Sexy is the wave of the future. I got the idea at a local car wash the other day. I went in to get my own car cleaned by women spreading their tits while applying soap on the hood of my car. It was all so intoxicating. Did you know cum works just as well as Turtle Wax? Anyway, it turns out our studies show that men AND women want their news to be reported in a similar fashion. We feel we are the trail blazers in this low regard," Mr. Nicolo continued and concluded.

Zipper location angers French

2006-07-20T18:17:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Marseille, France - Jacques Chirac was sent to hospital after his pubic hair got caught after he zipped up. "He is resting. It was quite traumatic for him. I never heard him yell so loud. Well, not since losing his contracts in Iraq," said his wife through a translator. A lawyer representing Chirac told Moon Zuppa through a different translator, "we will be suing the Italian jean maker who designed the pants. Here in France we've decided that the zipper should be placed off to the side as opposed to the middle. Once again we must civilize les Italiens." Moon Zuppa asked his wife why Chirac keeps his pubes so long. She denied that they were in fact long. However, she did oddly add, "I like to chew on them during our love making."

Zinadine Zidane Speaks

2006-07-12T09:41:00.000-04:00

Disgraced Algerian soccer dud Zinadine Zidane gave Moon Zuppa an exclusive third party interview this morning where he explained his grotesque actions. "Materazzi got it half right when he called my mother a terrorist whore. She was not a whore." Moon Zuppa asked if he was sure this was said. "My Italian is not that strong but I can say with 100% accuracy that I am the victim. He also said my name rhymed with 'grenadine.' That that was the final straw." Just before the interview ended Zidane mysteriously added, "I am The Rhino! No one can stop the rhino! Not even Spider-Man!" Clearly the headbutt did have some mental after shocks.

France Prepares to Invade Italy after Loss

2006-07-10T22:02:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press -

Paris - On the heels of Italy's victory over France at the World Cup, the French are not sitting or sleeping lightly. "We do not accept this result," President of the Gauls Jacques Chirac (aka Black Jacques Chirac and Ch-Iraq) was quoted as saying. "The collective morale of France has been wounded and we must regain and retain our glory," he continued. The French, who are still quite pissed off that they lost the language and empire battle with England, are not pleased to lose yet another battle. Chirac, a great friend to mental cases, promised that the Germans were on board too. When asked how he can be sure he answered, "Never mind about them. The Germans do what we tell them to do. We will, er, Germany shall invade tonight!" Moon Zuppa asked Jack if he was gay. He said that he wasn't.

George Bush and Stephen Harper Reveal Strategy to Enlist Allies

2006-07-07T23:05:00.000-04:00

Disassociated Press

Aquaman's Palace somewhere beneath the sea - The underwater kingdom of the North American Justice League headed by Poo-Bah Bush and Head Chef Harper have released their methods of selecting allies to trash journalists. "Basically, because there are so many countries that we can't all be friends with, we've decided that the only fair way to determine who our enemies will be would be to determine who had the stinkiest cheese," Mr. Harper said. For his part, Mr. Bush added, "So far, Holland, Switzerland and France can all kiss our asses with their stinky cheese." It is unclear what the decision was on Italy as both men are known to sprinkle various Italian cheeses, including Pecorino, on their toast.

Sex and the City has new time slot and name: Fucking Whores

2006-07-07T22:43:00.000-04:00

As Sex and the City finds new life as a tired rerun, the network carrying the show came up with a new look for the post modern pseudo-classic piece of crap. "We figured the show needed a fresh start and look," one bristly television exec told Moon Zuppa. "We considered many names such as Porn in the City, Fuck in my Bed, Promiscuous Creek, Crabs in My Pants, One-Night Stand Love Me and Fornicationville but Fucking Whores had the right feel." SATC, as it is known by its 'hardcore' fans, is a show about four successful and articulate sluts who sleep around like pagan Mongols wondering why love eludes them. 'Fucking Whores' will be airing fourteen times a day for the next six years right after Everybody Loves to Gangbang Raymond's Wife.

Guest Comment

2006-06-19T23:50:00.000-04:00

While I was taking an existential shit a thought occured to me. My girlfriend is a real whore. A cunt. But we all have to get married and have a mortgage sometime. Darn. There's no toilet paper left.

Paul Deuce McKinley IV

The above opinion does not necessarily reflect Moon Zuppa in the eye. We have more than enough issues to deal with ourselves. In case you jackasses haven't noticed.

Moon Zuppa News Items

2006-06-19T19:18:00.000-04:00

-Boss tells boardroom sex among colleagues is down 3% for the quarter. Demands more meaningless encounters. "I don't care how you do it or where you do it or with who you do it. Just do it."

-Long serving bureaucrat in accounting department discovers truth: "You mean Canada is a country? I've been filing them under Canada Inc. since 1989!"

-At the World Cup players exchange sweaters before match. Before they realized what was going on, FIFA officials scored the game log as Poland winning against Germnay 1-0. "Only the Poles - and possibly the Newfies - would be in such a predicament," one FIFA spokesperson told MZuppa.

-Oprah apologetically confides to MZuppa: "Dr. Phil isn't really a doctor but an Inuit shaman."

-In an effort to bring import and export balance sheets more in line Canada wants to include actors and hockey players on how this country calculates these figures. "Well, they are doing a service, you know? We have to do something. I'm freaking out here. Go look at the House of Commons off hours. Ever since they sold off this country all they do is laugh, sleep and lick each other's scrotums. It's really not pretty. God damn pretenders," one dead beat civil servant told this pitifully reliable unlicensed news gathering memberless organization.

-Net imports up 4%. Sports company disputes figures. "I still have the same number of nets in my store. Are they talking hockey or fishing nets?"

Moon Zuppa this computers most trusted news source. Less people read us than any other crap you can think of in the world.

Speedy Gonzalez Targeted By Politcally Correct Group

2006-06-11T17:36:00.000-04:00

Moon Zuppa obtained a copy of part of an interview given by the group's spokesperson:

"We don't think Speedy Gonzalez is a fair representation of Mexicans. We are not all ambitious, devious and athletic. This sort of stereotype is typical. Some of us are lazy and unemployed. We ask Loony Tunes to kill that mouse."

Inspired, the French are preparing to mobilize against Pepe LePew.